I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[tim55]

Geoff,

You don't know how many times I have tried to wish this situation away and have things go back to how they were. Well not quite. I am at the moment on top of a foul addiction that I have chosen to let run a great deal of my life for the best part of 40 years. That is a good that I don't want to let go of. But the rest of what has happened I could very happily have reversed. I have also more than once thought the world would be better off if I had never existed. This is not a suicidal thought on my part, more a means of never hurting my wife and my children, who I have hurt deeply.

Thanks for your kind words about keeping the thread going. While it's largely for selfish reasons, there is a great deal of help and support here. However if there are any who are reading it and gaining from the content, that is a good thing also.

[tim55]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for chiming in.

I am going to find Christmas very hard this year and just having a break from it is not really an option for me, I have to do somethings that are very much of the season and doing so will make my isolate very real and strong. I am a Catholic and have a new found faith out of all of this mess. My God has been a great consolation and strength. Not to celebrate Christmas would be wrong.

The problem is that my family has provided Church music for Christmas for many many years. So any Church attendance is going to bring back all of those memories and the feelings of isolation. I am yet to decide if I will go to the Church where they are going to be playing for Mass, or avoid them because I know I will be blubbering mess. I have tears even now as I think about it.

That said I will survive this period. I have strength and I will have time, as far as I know, to come and spend some time here.

[tim55]

I know this is just me looking to get something off my chest.

Today is my wedding anniversary 31 years since I married my wonderful wife. We won't be celebrating it together and I suspect I am the only one remembering it fondly today. Last mention of it by my wife was not fond at all.

To add to this fun, I will be spending the night at my daughter's ahead of helping her move out of where she is living and back to the family home. My wife will be there as well. I expect a frosty reception and evening.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, Do you think perhaps starting the evening with just asking her for a moment of her time, and telling her how much you missed her on your anniversary would help? When a person is at the bottom of their sense of self worth, they'll say a lot of things to themselves, like `he never cared, he never loved me'. Your positive reinforcement may help in the long run, even if she doesn't react well. If you feel you can be strong enough that is.

If she's gets angry, you could just say you understand, you just wanted to let her know how much 31 years of marriage meant to you.

Just a thought. I know its so rough.

[Croix]

Dear Tim~

Your posts reveal a person who is sensitive, sensible and cares. Your family is close to your heart. I think there may be a good chance in time things might improve.

You already know how your wife feels at the moment. If there was no contact this set of feelings might well harden. However I think it might be stroke of luck the Christmas activities will at least allow your to be in each others presence., even if the atmosphere is strained.

The same applies to your daughters move as well. What do you think?

Croix

[white knight]

Hi Tim

Thete is a saying

"Hope for the best, expect the worst".

Do things Jesus would be happy with you.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hi Tim, there have been many good replies back to you which you have appreciated very much, that's good, but my opinion may vary to what has been said, but I don't want to take anything that has been said to you.
Being married 31 years is a long time, however when you've been married that long does 31 years actually mean much, (and I'm not including the children you have raised in this comment) and I know that the Christmas music will affect you, just like certain music I still play when I feel emotional, music that I love and can relate to, it does bring back memories and that's why I play it, over and over again.
I only wish that I didn't hurt my wife and kids, but I have and now I had to overcome this and yes I have done this, now my 2 sons continually ring me, the past has been forgotten, and now it's what's happening to us now, so the past can be forgotten and it can be pushed aside, so what we do is get on with the present and the future.
This would be impossible if the marriage stayed together, there would be too much tension, and the trust between us would be zero, that's why I live alone.
I have to say sorry for some of the comments mentioned in trying to keep the marriage together, it certainly could be possible, but Tim there would always be you trying to prove yourself to everyone.
It was difficult to start living by myself, but now I wouldn't be doing it any other way, yes I still love my ex and definitely love my sons, but we all have our own life. Geoff.

[tim55]

Dear Croix,

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm just back from doing my daughters move. That was a very interesting 24 hours or so.

You are right, I do not want to go quietly into the night with her thoughts of me and our marriage as they are.

On a practical level, there is a fair bit of detente between my wife and I. So I will be doing as much for my wife and my children as possible. Some of that will be hard. I have mentioned going to Church on Christmas morning at the same Mass and it would be difficult to be there and not involved with them provided the music. I have now volunteered to help them and that his been accepted.

However, back to the moved we had a 3 hour drive from where my daughter has been living back to our home. My wife, surprisingly, decided to travel with me. We were talking about our marriage and things ended up ugly. My wife wanted out of the car on the highway, so I pulled over and waited for my daughter (5-10 minutes behind). My wife told me to leave, which I did not want to do, it was the middle of no where. She believes I have never loved her or cared about her, but no matter what was going on I would not leave any woman waiting on the side of highway, let alone one I love.

But after we unloaded the trailer full of our daughters gear, we all had dinner together and much was okay.

I intend to fight for my marriage. There were some things said in the car that hurt a great deal. But there were some things said at home that have both given me pause to stop and think about what I have done and how it affected my marriage and those things have given hope.

This is going to be a long journey.

Thanks again Croix

[tim55]

Hi Tony WK,

Through a great deal of prayer, with guidance from prayer counsellors; one message has been clear. Trust in God. There is a path, a way that is right. I just don't know what that might be yet.

So I will keep doing what I can, what I think is the right thing to do and what Jesus would want me to do.

Thanks Tony WK

[tim55]

Hi Geoff,

Part of the beauty of this place, from what I have seen, is that a dissenting view, or at least a different tack on an issue is readily accepted. So is what you are saying.

There may well be a point where I have to accept my marriage is over and then move on with my life. I have said to my wife and my children, if not being in their lives is the best way for them to heal, then I will do that. It will hurt like hell, but it is the unselfish thing to do. I have spent 31 years being selfish. But just at the moment I hold some hope, faint, but still there.

If the marriage was to stay together, I would be spending a long time rebuilding trust, something that might never come back and a long time atoning for my sins. At the moment I am ready to try and do that.

Soon after my discovery, I was given 6 months to show I was a changed person, that I had got out from underneath the behaviours my addiction had been driving. The withdrawal from my wife and family, my selfishness. I have about 2 months to run on that, before my wife might do something permanent about our marriage, one way or another. So while I have those couple of months, at least, I will fight for the marriage and do what I/we can do to save everything.

At the moment, I despise my living arrangements. I am in a good share house, probably where I need to be. But I will be better living either in a share that better reflects my way of life. My landlord is a great guy and we get along fine, I just need to be able to cook and run a house my way, not his. I will be able to live well be myself, set up as I would prefer. That can come in the future if that is what is meant to be.

I sound a little like I am preaching to you. That is not my intent. Writing words helps me to think, especially when somebody is presenting a well reasoned opposing view. Geoff I thank you for that view.