I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Croix]

Dear Ghost~

I was thinking about your message on Facebook and that you may well be wrong in calling it stupid. I've found that sometimes emotion takes over and I do things I normally would not, and it has been the right thing. All that has happens is that I've not been able to analyze my motives at the time - which does not mean it was a mistake, just unanticipated.

I've mentioned stuff (not the same as yours) from my past to my doctor, and to my partner, and even some to my offspring, and all in all it has had a positive effect. I've felt less burden from having to keep everything secret, and those I've told have been sensible enough to support and not make a fuss.

Your family are adult human beings and have to bear loads in life, it is not all for you to bear. You have to let them do some of the heavy lifting. Putting it all on yourself is unrealistic and unfair both to you and them.

When I look back keeping everything secret behind a mask has meant I've felt I've not been worthy or acceptable. Now I'm pretty sure that won't make sense.

Pity November is so far away, if it had been me at the time I'd have jumped at the chance.

I'm not sure a walrus would make a good angel - the wings would look downright silly 🙂

Croix

[Ghost_76]

Thanks again, all you beautiful people.

I had a good time with my daughter. She's so mature for her age and enjoyed every second.

Today I'm back in hospital. In a sense it feels like I betrayed myself. I had a plan and now it's changed... I spoke to my psychologist and she suggested taking small steps.

I really suck at asking for help... I feel the need to be in control. Now, with all these emotions, memories and feelings surfacing, I'm struggling. I know that I'm sinking fast and to be totally honest.... I'm scared. Not scared like when I was a child. I'm scared of my thoughts and mindset. I don't know what to do... I feel like a failure for not going through with my plan. I'm scared that people will look at me and think I'm a coward that only seeks attention.

I don't know how to put my hand up and just let go... I'm so used to keep everything inside (yes, the mask thing, Criox). I've always handled things on my own and in my own way.

I'm lost and I'm scared... So very, very scared. It's like being torn in two. This constant battle inside of me... And I know that I need to choose a side... I'm so confused ... This pain is so heavy and real inside of me. I just want it to end.

A very confused and scared,

Ghost

[Croix]

Dear Ghost~

Having to alter your plan is not a big thing, in fact it is pretty much how things work. I'm sure you will have heard of the quote "No Battle Plan Survives First Contact". It simply means one has to be flexible. The hopes you had for your plan are still there, even if the procedure is a bit different.

I, and many others here are looking at you and there is no question of your being a coward, or attention seeking. Too many of us have been in the same place. As for knowing what to do, it is uncharted waters for you and getting there day by day is all anyone can do under the circumstances.

It is scary, and I understand the fear of where my mind was taking me, but you are surrounded by competent people to keep an eye on things, and you will get there. These are not just empty words designed to encourage, it is my experiences - and those of others - speaking.

Your daughter sounds lovely, and I guess at least in part her nature is down to you, you have much to give. Pain can lessen when you think beautiful things.

Hang in there Ghost, it does get better

Croix (who thinks your psych sounds sensible)

[Birdy77]

Dear Ghost ❤

You had a good time with your daughter! That's wonderful. You still have that capacity to enjoy and be happy, that's a fabulous thing to tap into. Don't you think that's a sign of hope?

It sounds like you're really proud of her. I am so glad you were able to have that really special time with her.

When you say you betrayed yourself, because you didn't follow through with your plan ... I don't think you did, because you had a new plan: you decided to go to the concert and then you promised yourself you'd give life another go and go back to the hospital ... which is what you've done, so you've followed through on the revised plan, right? (Unless I'm misunderstanding you).

You say you feel so torn in two and that you need to choose a side. Is there such a rush to choose a side? Could you maybe put choosing a side aside (I'm not stuttering) for a little while and just let things pan out, see what happens as you surrender for a while, let those who know what they're doing do what they do?

There is no time limit for this, so try not to pressure yourself. As you have shown yourself, there is still the possibility of good feelings inside you ... things can change, things can get better, but only if you give it a chance. Choosing the other side doesn't give a chance for anything. It closes off all possibilities.

You suck at asking for help, and yet here you are, doing a really good thing for yourself by taking yourself back to be in the care of those who can help you. You are doing it, my friend, letting them help you. Try not to hold back, see if you can just let go. You're safe. You will be safe.

I always look forward to hearing from you my dear friend, thank you so much for posting.

Lots of love,

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Thank you Birdy and Criox,

I feel like I'm sounding like a broken record. These last two days has been really tough. Yesterday, all I wanted to do is give up and today is not much better.

I'm getting frustrated with myself, because it feels like I should be better. But all these emotions and feelings that I suppressed for so long, is taking its toll. I'm torn in two... there's this darkness that seem so inviting ... just letting go and find the peace I'm so desperately graving. But there is also this small part that tells me to hang on. Am I going crazy? I'm so scared and so confused. I'm trying, please believe me when I say that I'm trying. I'm just so tired and it feels like this is never going to end.

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.

How are you guys doing? I'm hoping that you are both doing well. Thank you for all your advice and caring.

Ghost

[Birdy77]

Dearest Ghost,

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. You are showing such courage ... I am actually in awe of you, the way you are there, doing the best you can despite wanting to just fade into the darkness. You are displaying a bravery that you can and should (and may, one day) be proud of.

I wish I could hug you.

We know you are trying. That is 100% obvious, so don't you for a second think that we think otherwise.

I will just say again, (and I also feel like a broken record, but let's just keep saying what we need to say, it can't hurt) ... there is no rush to decide your fate. If you can give yourself some time to just try a few different options? The alternative is final. No more options.

I love hearing from you. When I saw you'd posted I just felt so happy. Not happy that you're in such a wretched spot, but so happy that you're still open and communicating with us and I hope you keep doing that because it means a lot to me.

I am sending you my genuine live and friendship - you mean a lot to me.

🌻birdy xoxo

[Ghost_76]

Hey Birdy and Criox,

Sorry, it's been a while...

I'm still in hospital and to make things more interesting, I had to change psychiatrist. I'm still trying to keep my head above water.

I had a new memory yesterday ... I always thought the abuse started when I was 8. This memory was from when I was 7... It's been messing with my head. I know it's probably silly, but it had a huge impact on me.

I'm still battling the demons that wants me throw in the towel. Some days they are more convincing than others. I did come to a point where I actually seek help from staff. I'm just scared that one day these demons are going to win...

How are you guys travelling. You've been on my mind a lot.

Thanks for the hug, Birdy. I'm sending you one too, my friend.

Take care, my beautiful friend.

xxx

[Birdy77]

Dearest Ghost,

It is so good to hear from you ❤

It does not sound silly that the memory from a year earlier has sent your head spinning... quite the opposite ... it's like you thought you knew these memories, and now more emerge ...

Is it good that you have a new psychiatrist? How are you finding that?

I am so glad you sought help from staff there .... that is what they are there for my friend. Please continue to do that.

Hey, did you enjoy p!nk??

I've been ok, but I have been embroiled in this really annoying family situation. I will tell you about it when you are feeling a bit better. It's really doing my head in. But I'm fine.

Loads of love and hugs my friend xo

🌻birdy

[Croix]

Dear Ghost~

Yes, you get to the stage where you think your history is all cut and dried, and that is what you get used to and become reconciled to, then a new memory pops up, disconcerting, worrying, even frightening.

Really the memories are all of a bunch, and if a bit fuzzy around a timescale it will be OK. You are still you, and slowly dealing with it. For me, though I don't have experiences like yours, there are two things, the actual events and the memories. The events are past, memories have come back unexpectedly, and although they remind me of the past event I'm sort of conscious it is the memories I'm dealing with, and as such they have less power.

I dunno, Ghost. I'm probably not making much sense. Maybe I'm trying to say you have survived the events themselves and now will survive the memories.

I'm very glad you have asked the staff for help, I really hope they are responding promptly and effectively and show care. I remember in a ward I was unhappy with the staff who seemed distant and rule bound. One day one came up and gave me books, having noticed I was not traveling well. They were that nurse's private property brought specially from home.

It made a huge difference, the uncalled for perceptive kindness, and the books themselves which became an escape. Hope your new psych is OK and hte nurses as good.

Birdy - I hope your family hassle settles down

Croix

[Birdy77]

Dear Ghost,

I just have been thinking of you and wishing good thoughts and feelings for you.

I am sending you all the promising and comforting feelings of a sunny day, with Spring in the air and blossoms about to burst, showing that there is hope and life and newness ahead.

With love,

🌻birdy xo