I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nik

I am so glad that you have come back to chat and I can hear how scared and how overwhelmed you are right now. I feel kind of disappointed to be honest that you perhaps will not be allowed back to the drama class, I understand a need to address the issue and like White Knight suggested something like "yeh, sorry about that, it wasnt the right thing to do, I wasnt feeling well". I dont think that excluding you and asking you to leave is a very supportive environment or shows very caring or accepting people at a time when you were not feeling great, you reached out but with confusion and made a mistake. It is hard for people to acknowledge suicide and thoughts of suicide and what their role in that means, and this scares the hell out of people and they don't know how to respond, I think you are seeing that clearly now. I am so very sorry this has all gone a bit pear shaped for want of a better word and turned out like this for you, I would have hoped people would be more understanding and supportive.

I think one step at a time and try not to role play in your head what you "think might happen" and just take it one step at a time and deal with the issues as they present themselves, as it may turn out differently than you are thinking.

I think also with some time they will calm down too and hopefully things can return to how they were for you in the drama class. I hope you have a plan in place to take care of yourself so as when you are feeling so very vulnerable and like you are going to hurt yourself you can reach for your plan and execute it and know it is a good one and that you are supported.

Huge hugs for you Nik

Hope to chat to you some more

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hi,

What what on at the ED?

Well, I stayed there for six hours, in the same chair, in the same room, I seriously lost track of time.

1. There was a doctor, she took my blood pressure, my weight, that sorta stuff.

2. There was a mental health person, who talked to me and I had to explain everything that was going on and talk about why I was there and what was happening, so I explained everything; the voices in my head, my depression, my anxiety, my issues with eating, my insomnia, and my autism

3. Then a social worker came to see me, because I said something about my parents fighting, so we talked about a traumatic event that happened when I was a child.

4. Another doctor came in, offered me food (like a hundred times) I said no.

5. I slept (It's true, I was so tired, both mentally and physically)

6. Then I left

It was a tiring experience, and I don't think anything will change.

- Nik

[smallwolf]

Hi Nik,

Regarding he note you wrote - putting aside whatever the content was, there was a reason why you wrote it and perhaps a cry for help, a reaction to everything that was going on in your life. Since my 20s, I would have suicidal thoughts, but never acted on them. My reason for not talking about it was that I was concerned what everyone would think of or about me. Add 25+ years to now... the emotional pain was too great (?) and found I needed to talk to someone. Now I talk to a psychologist periodically and refer to myself as a work in progress.

That wanting to be by yourself is something I can understand and I have done that on more than one occasion. "Unfortunately" the thing to do is the opposite, so says my psychologist for a short while - doing things that give meaning to you etc. can act as a both a distraction and coping mechanism.

Finally, on the parents ... I am sure that your parents do care about what you are going through if you told them. It is possible to both tell them and not tell them at the same time. Know that sounds confusing. Just before I was put onto anti-depressants was a really bad time wrt. suicidal thoughts. The next chat I had with mum I only to mention suicidal thoughts and that was enough for her as she did not want to worry about me. As for the details there are only 4 people who know my thoughts and actions at that time - 3 of those persons are in the mental health sphere. So I (and sure you) will work out the boundaries of how much to say to whom. You are worth more than you think, and your parents would say the same.

It takes courage to ask for help when things to wrong. It takes strength to admit is a mistake. Regardless of what happens next, you are supported and accepted here.

Tim

[_Nik_]

Hi,

thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it.

I was wondering if anyone could help me with something.

I am visiting a pediatrician, and they were talking about starting medication (the mental health people at the ED were talking about it too) and I really want to try it, because I am at the stage where I am sick of being like this and I really want it to be over, but my mum doesn't want me to do it, because she's afraid that it'll be hard to take me off it. Is there anything I can say to her, to make her change her mind?

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I feel like you are sounding really positive about what is coming up for you and the process to get things in place for you and that is so wonderful.

I get that your mum is scared and she is worried about the medication, is there some information that the doctors have given you that you could perhaps sit and read with her? You could speak to your doctor too and ask them to spend some time with your mum to go through the medication with her and what it will do and how you will come off and what the process is. Sometimes it is just the fear of the unknown V's the fear of the medication itself.

It would be great if she could get some support too and she is probably worried about his process as well and how it will impact you, not only just the medication.

Hugs

AS

[smallwolf]

Hi Nik,

Not a professional so cannot really tell you about antidepressants but I can relate my experience to you...

Firstly the most important thing to do is to understand the side effect. Remember these are possibilities also.

If you want to change from one medication to another you will wean off the first and start on the second. Something I have had to do a few times and you would be told how to by the person prescribing the medication.

It is natural for your mother to be worried about you and educating yourself is the best way to work out what you are dealing with. And my psychiatrist also says that medication also works best when you do talk therapy as well. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

Tim

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I've been busy over the last couple of days doing performances and stuff, and now I am really upset at myself because I think I've made my close friend's life rubbish.

I just got mad at him, and there wasn't any reason behind it, and he didn't hug me like he always does when we say goodbye. I'm scared that he hates me now, and that's all my fault.

I must be such a stupid person.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nik

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so very overwhelmed at what has just happened with your friend.

Only if you want to , can you tell me a bit more about what happened with you snapping at him? Was it warranted, where you standing up for yourself? Was it uncalled for? I see you said that you didn't have any reason for it but something must have triggered you or you felt something to react to? It would be good if you can identify what it might be so you can manage it for next time.

I think either way you perhaps just need to talk to your friend and explain how it came to be that you snapped at him, if you are at fault that is fine, you can say that, you can say you made a mistake, everyone does it. I am pretty sure that you have not made your friends life rubbish and that he does not hate you. You are most certainly not stupid Nik, everyone makes mistakes and you snapped, no problem, have a chat to him and address it and give him a hug to apologize.

I am so sorry you are feeling so very anxious about this but I am sure too that it can be repaired.

Hugs

AS

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I saw him yesterday and the day before, and things were fine between us, but I am still scared that he is a bit wary of me, and not as close as we used to be.

What happened that day was this:

I wanted to speak to him after our performance like I always do, so we went out to a couch area and sat down. He told me he didn't have much time because he needed to catch a tram or a train (don't remember which) and they only ran every hour, he also didn't want to leave our other friend waiting (whom was catching the train with him). He told me not to be discouraged by that, and to still tell him what I need to say. So I told him that he lied to me, when he told me he'd help me do something, and I asked him if he would forget, and he said no, and then the day comes when it was supposed to happen, and he never brought it up. I knew he didn't forget, because this thing mattered a lot to him, as much as it mattered to me, and he wanted me to get better. So I told him he lied to me, and that he didn't do it. He said he couldn't force me to do anything. So I got angry ( because he always says that, and I feel like it's an excuse, but I know I am overreacting) and told him he couldn't force me to live either and to stop trying to. His voice got very quiet and hurt, and he said "You know everything I do for you is to help you". So I told him to stop helping me. He didn't reply and just looked really tired, and fed up and he put his head in his hand. I stood up, and grabbed my bag. Then we both left silently. I used the walk down the stairs to calm down, and by the time we got out of there, I apologized. He said you don't have to be sorry. Then he went to leave. I said "i..." (it was like an attempt to say something, but my voice decided not to work and I decided not to say anything). He goes, I would give you a hug, but you don't like your mum seeing you. I said I didn't care. So he hugged me, for a very short time, and then left. Our hugs are usually longer, or so I thought, so know of course I am scared he hates me.

Yesterday, I didn't get a very good hug either, and it was only a goodbye hug, because he used to hug me when we met, but not any more.

The day before that, I did get a better hug, but i'm wondering if it were going to be similar to out normal ones had we not had to go on stage a few seconds later.

I don't know what to think. I think I'm over analyzing everything.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I can hear how this strained relationship with your friend is really impacting you and I am so sorry it is really making you emotional and run scenarios through your head and think alot about this and the friendship and what is going on and what he is thinking and where you go from here.

There is a sure lot going on here and I sort of got a little lost in the actual events that you described, I am having trouble understanding what he lied to you about and how he agreed to do something with you or for you and forgot. I then hear you say he is trying to help you and get you alive and you don't want him to do that?? I am understanding this correctly, sorry to make you explain i am a little lost.

I can see though that he is still hugging you and embracing you, and it may take some time to repair the friendship if it has been strained lately, but he is still there for you and has not abandoned you at this time which is wonderful. Perhaps you need a conversation with some more time where you are both not rushed and you perhaps need to let him know how important to you he is and that you are feeling sad about the friendship and the events that have gone on lately.

I think some time and a good chat will help get your relationship back on track, it is so tricky to manage these things but I think you just have to let him know how you are feeling and that you miss and care for him.

Hugs

AS