Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh, after your second last post l should say. lt sounded so good , like a normal couple for once - no sis.

[CMF]

Haha. Actually is wasn't M I was referring to it was work. Having said that, was just on the phone with him & heard sis gave him a kiss goodnight. M's was a mmmwah kiss. Quite sickening between a brother & sister that live together. Funny, when he sleeps here, we don't kiss goodnight, even if we go straight to sleep.

[Guest_1584]

Same here actually , although things with gf are looking that way again to atm , but just everything, life.

ps , kissing sisters, that does sound just weird, in that way especially , and when you two don't even.

[CMF]

Ah don't you love it. I'm still peeved about the movie incident, the way they went about it. I suggested to M we could take his mum to see the Elvis movie. I'm not that interested but thought it'd be nice to take her. We are going tomorrow and guess what? His son & wifey are joining us. When he told me I could help but say 'so we're all included this time?' I told him I only wanted to go to take his mum. Seeing as the others are going now I see no point in me going. I mean, that's how it works isnt it?

[CMF]

He asked if my d would like to come but I thought she wouldn't be interested plus she's working. Funny thing is she said we should all go together. Sound familiar?Told M she is interested but the time doesn't suit her. I know he's already booked tickets anyway. I wonder if the an to include wifey & his son was already in place anyway? Wonder if he asked or if they invited themselves? Cos I suggested taking his mum they had to include me. Ah the anxiety of a Sunday with him & wifey.

[CMF]

I can't deal with it anymore.

M booked the movie for 3.30pm. I didn't know it went for 2hrs 40mins. He asked what time little miss gets dropped off cos I'd be home 6.30pm. He knew this was a little late for me. I told him I might not come, I really want to go. I asked if he could have booked an earlier session ie2.40pm. He quietly said yes but his mum had a few things to do. I didn't fly Believe that. We had lunch, did food shopping & went to his place to drop it off, pick up his son. This is when the real story came out. Wifey called & I heard him ask 'aren't you meeting us there? Have you already been to the party' THIS is the reason why he booked 3.30pm. To accommodate HER. He knew it was a bit late for me & his mum would have accommodated me. He had to please his Wifey, couldn't stand up for me & tell her 3.30 was too late.

Will it ever end where she rules him?

[CMF]

I messaged little miss' dad to say I'd be home at 7pm. Sure enough. He was trying to call me at 5.15. I knew he was on his way from across town. At 5.45 my older d was calling to say little miss was home & when would I be home as she was going out. It was an awful day. I had anxiety about the lie, little miss' dad, everything. I couldn't enjoy the movie & now I need to speak to M about the lie.

[CMF]

M&I had an argument. He said the main reason was his mum & he didn't mention his sis cos he knows my attitude toward it. He said my anxiety is silly cos most things never happen. I was furious. He says I need to allow myself to relax & enjoy my Sunday's. That I have a family that does nothing for me. He said I need to trust little miss is fine with her dad, to let go a little. Not for us, for me. He said we'll be fine no matter what. Told me my crap afternoon made his afternoon crap cos my phone was going off, I was anxious & I shut down. He said I should be able to enjoy 1 day of the week cos it's all I get. He said he loves me but I think I should tell him to find someone else. Someone free, more like himself, not like me.

[CMF]

I don't want him to waste any more of his time & money on me. It's not fair on him. Clearly we're very different. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My anxiety is silly to him. His perfect life & perfect family is different to mine. I'm a loner, he needs people. He deserves someone he doesn't have worry about. Someone fun.he deserves better than me & I deserve someone who understands my feelings.

[CMF]

If I'm gonna sit at home on my own & cry, I may as well be on my own. He says my kids do nothing cos that's what I allow. His sis controls him & his kids cos that's what he allows. Today they were talking to his son about his night out like they were his parents. They're a happy family. No room for me & my anxiety. They don't need me.