Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , sorry your a bit down. Bdy times eh, this is one reason l never have bdy's a lot of the time they're more hassle than they're worth. Unfortunately though yeah you two are very different. He just doesn't see things the same and that flows through to all these even simple everyday things . Such a shame in all this time you just haven't had any consistent real day in day out you two time, just life and being you two in your own world together. We really need that as a couple to not only just have it together, but if there are differences to also just see how we truly gel in the way we live, who we are.

Whenever gf was down to mine again we'd have all the fun of the first wk or two but then things and any differences would start to hit the fan for a wk or two and there'd be a few clashes. But then later we'd find our rhythm and just get use to things all over again and just settle into being us again more and more and just start all nicely fitting again . But with the wrong person that could then go the other direction, you just need that time to know.

[CMF]

Hi rx

Thanks. You get it. I wonder at times if it's worth considering living together or just keep on as we are. Just a weekend couple.

[CMF]

So I told M if he wants to go to the movie Saturday night it's fine. He said no & I'm assuming cos it's our night & my bday next day. He said he may see it Thursday night. I asked who with, he said his son, wifey & her man. So now I've just been cut completely. He didnt sound too keen though & said he'll probably end up watching it when it comes out on Foxtel. Don't know why he & I can't just go one Sunday?

So first I'm invited, then I'm cut & they're going without me but he doesn't sound keen. Wonder who's pulling the strings there?

[Guest_1584]

Thx cm and oh yeah , faced with the same thing again myself we've been separate so long now. Even she says she's changed and l do see them, not feelings but just in other ways, l probably have to. We really need a test run first of all apart so long. l'm probably going up again later on for a longer stay first of all. l do see the changes

But yeah , there's been a lotta frustration for ya.lt's nothing that some real time together, a few mths, couldn't show you where things are though it's just that you guys can't get that. Shame as time goes on.

[CMF]

Yeah.

I don't mind if M goes to see the movie, but to include me then exclude me & organise to go when I clearly can't make it is not very nice. He didn't sound to comfortable about it. If they really wanted to go all together they'd organise a day that works for all of us. If they do go Thursday I'll let him know how I feel. Guess I'm not important enough to be accommodated, more important for wifey & her man to be there.

Dissapointing.

[CMF]

In fact, I don't know M & I can't just go see it on our own. It's like he feels bad going without me & feels bad if we go without them, hence why he said he'll probably watch when it's out on Foxtel ie don't go with anyone so no one's upset. Lucky they have the BIG TV.

Seriously, why can't he just tell them night session doesn't work for me & we're go see it on our own on a Sunday arvo. We had the chance to see it last Sunday.. maybe he knew something was in the pipeline ie seeing it with wifey. To say they want all of us to go then organise without me. That hurts.

[Guest_1584]

It was so sweet of his son to want you all to do that , and with dad and you and all, l mean it would mean a lot to m to. Maybe you could do both together go to the movies then stay over yours later or carry on Sunday for yours.

Man you guys have so many bdys and aaccasions l get tired just reading them all.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Yes it was sweet. The issue is I can't go Saturday night as I have little miss. Looks like m won't go without me on Saturday cos it's our night/my bday. I really don't know why we can't all go one Sunday arvo.

[CMF]

Would be interesting to see what wifey is like around m when she's with new man.

[CMF]

Tbh I think it's more about them seeing the movie. I'm just included cos I'm M's partner.

It's his son's bday all over again, plus the other parties where M got a late message'by the way R is invited too'