Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Yeah, but he said that about the last one too. That they'd move in together end of last year/early this year...till he cheated on her. M seems to think that zlot lol. I'm really curious to see if she still tries to co trol them seeing as half the house is hers now. His kids are adults now. They don't need her. Interesting how M said she'll be fine when new man's away hunting as she has lots of friends. I pointed out that's no different to her living in her house now. She can spend time at new man's time on her own & time out with friends. She did it before she lived with M. What's the difference now.

Don't know why imso cranky & negative today. I think the fact she bought him the tops has contributed. He may have given her the money but just the fact she has to but him stuff. Air pods, jeans, tops. She's in my space. All 6ft 3 of her.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah exactly right, it's all your space now, no wonder.

That's odd saying the same thing again.

[CMF]

She was talking about living with the ex before he cheated. Its very confusing. She says she can't sleep if someone's not home but M says she likes her space. Maybe she just days it thinking it's cute. 6ft 3 is not cute.The thing with new man is that he needs a house with lots of room ie garage as he has boats & big cars. Her house is not big enough. She's said this herself but couple of weeks ago she mentioned twice about 'when she moves back...' to her house ie new furniture , fireplace. This was a week after her card reading with my lady. Then there's my dream...maybe she's thinking about moving back but hasn't told M? Who knows. Maybe new man thinks she should have her own space. After all, he lives alone. Also, her place is rented and maybe until October. I do wonder...if she goes to live with him & say it doesn't work or it's too far would she expect to shack up with her brother again,? We know he can't say no to her.

Too much to think about.

[Guest_1584]

Sounds like she's thinking about her place not in with him.

Could get lucky October . Doubt she'll ever live with m again though once she's gone that'll just be a faze in life that's passed. She wouldn't go back to it especially with you and him being more a couple once she is out.

[CMF]

Hi rx

You have a point but I wouldn't put it past her to go back there, esp if her place was rented.

Now I shouldn't be thinking negative like that. Hopefully she'll go live with new man & stay there. If they live out his way even better

[CMF]

Nice weekend. M had work commitment Friday so little miss & I had a movie night. I got washing done, it was nice. M stayed here Saturday. Wifey's new man was at theirs but went home. No idea why, maybe had work Sunday. He doesn't really sleep there. Sunday was lunch & movie. Something I ate didn't agree so I've been in pain & feeling crap. I was cranky yesterday. Work colleague getting to me, feeling negative, little anxious. I've really been craving some 'me' time. Saturdays i have little miss & Sundays M. I never have any time just for me & I'm really feeling it.

[quirkywords]

I am sorry you are unwell .

can you make some time for yourself, does not have to be a lot of time but choose something you enjoy. .

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

So hard to have ME time.

I have a dilemma. Next Sunday is my bday & M is taking me out for lunch. I was contemplating family dinner Saturday night but haven't said anything. M's son saw Top Gun over the weekend & loved it so much he wants to organise all of us to go this Saturday to see it. Him, his gf, his brother, wifey, new man,M & I. It's an 8.40pm session. I know I'll fall asleep. I also need someone to look after little miss. We saw a movie yesterday & I was surprised we didn't see Top Gun as I think the plan was always to go with wifey. Anyway, I'm not keen on Saturday night but told M he should go. He wants me to be able to go.The dilemma is does he go or not? He usually stays at mine Saturday night & it is my bday. I really don't want to go as I'll fall asleep as I do on the couch. I really wanted to have dinner with M & my kids. Guess none of them are interested in popping in for my bday like I go to theirs.

Anyway, I'm not interested. It's my bday. I'll tell M to go & I'll have dinner with my kids.

Problem solved.

[CMF]

Pretty sure the plan was always for them to see it together so they've organised what suits them. I wanted to take M out for dinner for his bday but he wanted the family dinner with his boys (& wifey). When I said I'd fall asleep he asked if I'd fall asleep every Saturday night.i can't help if the dark cinema makes me feel tired. Anyway, I've obviously thrown a spanner in the works.

[CMF]

Maybe we're just not compatible. We're not interested in the same things, not excited by the same things, different life stages, different taste in things, he's a people pleaser, I'm not, he has a need to be liked by everyone, I don't. I like being alone, he likes people around. He wants to travel, I don't. He loves his sis controlling him & his kids, I don't.