Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

PS...I bought him an electric toothbrush to keep at mine 😁

[Guest_1584]

Haaa , well someone had to buy the damn thing hey.

rx

[quirkywords]

CMF

I like making observations instead of getting annoyed or even complaining.

GF of Ms friends sounds as though she likes male attention.

Glad M mum is so considerate and realises you need time together.

[CMF]

Hi dear Quirky

Yes M's mum is lovely & he is so respectful to her. One of the things I love about M.

Yes the friend does like M's attention I think. She socialised with her friends at the bday, snuggled on the couch the minute M was alone but didn't talk to M at all. I guess being good friends with M makes her look good with her bf, also they all cycle, something in common. Still she could have socialised with us as a couple. Not sure she spoke with M's cousin either. Then again I was added to the invite as a 'by the way' half hour later 😒

[CMF]

Sorry, I meant she didn't talk to ME at all. She def spoke to M.

Thing is, M is oblivious to these things. Even his sis says so.

Didn't speak to M last night as his friend was there helping get his new bike ready to be built. I wonder if the gf went too?

Now I'm just overthinking things.

[CMF]

It was nice talking to M tonight that he told me things were quiet at his house. He told me what his boys were up to & didn't mention what sis was doing. I know she's part of tge family but not part of our relationship. It's M, the kids & I. No need to tell me what she's doing, just like he wouldn't if she didn't live there 😊

[CMF]

Tonight was exact opposite of last night. I knew my last post would bring in what I don't want. Nice dinner with M, my daughter his son. Sis comes home, sits next to M to show him dining chairs. M tells me 'she wants to buy new furniture for this place. New chairs, new TV.. '. I think she saw my confusion. I switched off as they she flicked thru pick of chairs with M. I looked away, shut down. She suggested a rectangle table but they agreed square is better. I'm confused. What is she doing? It was a married couple furnishing their home. I went into the kitchen with while he made coffee. She followed still showing pictures. He told he'd to just keep what they have. When I got M alone I told him I'd leave after coffee so I could let them order furniture. He got annoyed. We had coffee watching Graham Norton, she told M 'they have watched that episode & Gogglebox is on' like I wasn't there. I decided, stuff her we are watching a movie with little miss as planned not letting her take over. She went upstairs but the minute the movie ended she came down asking if we enjoyed it. She must have been sitting there waiting for me to leave so she could have M to herself.

I can't deal. She has a man. Shouldn't she he planning to move into her own place not buy new for her & M? She is trying to own him in every way. I feel so sick.

[CMF]

I remember one day, few years ago, M telling me that when we live together he will leave it to me to furnish the house he trusts my judgement & knows it'll be great. Funny how last week I said if our 'kids' moved out we might live together earlier & this week sis is wanting new furniture for the house they share.

Anyone else think it's strange?

[Guest_1584]

Hmmm, wonder if m mentioned that and she's jumped at it ?

But what's got me thinking now is why would she be wanting new furniture at m's right now if she's seeing a future with new man ? She'd be all exited about that, not at m's.

[CMF]

Exactly. It's like she wants to make sure there are reminders of her everywhere rather than me doing it. I could be jumping the gun. This morning she broke a chair & they are squeaky. The discussion may have only happened today but M is happy to leave them ,she's pushing for new ones & a new TV. They have large smart TV. Why buy New one? The other thing i thought is maybe she's planning to move back to hers & wants to buy furniture for M to have but there was no mention of that. When he got annoyed that I was gonna go home so they could order furniture I told him 'nothing ever changes does it'. It was odd the way he said 'she wants to buy new furniture for THIS place. She gots lots of money to spend'. She was then talking about rectangle table & what fits better. I'm just gonna ask him tomorrow what's going on. If she is gonna move, surely he should get what he likes or let me decide with him. Tjen ahain, he didn't like any of the chairs she liked & she called him boring. Well, maybe she should move out & buy what she likes. He was asking about the cost too so i guess it's 50/50. So who gets it if she ever moves out? Why are they buying furniture together? What is she up to? He should be buying what he likes when she goes. I don't want to go to a house furnished by her & def not live in one. It's like she's claiming her territory. I told M she sat right up when I threw out the comment about living together earlier. I don't want to live in that house she owns. She'll walk in & out as she pleases. I really think she has issues when it comes to her brother. Always hanging around, always physically between us,listening, involving herself. She has attachment issues & it's not good. Although she went upstairs tonight she was down the minute she knew I'd be leaving. When she came home & started showing him chairs he could have told her we'll discuss later but no. She walks in & takes over, all about her & him. She should just jump in his bed too.