Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

No matter how nice she is she's selfish. She goes away, has alone time with men yet she tries to invade everything we do. I do think M may be getting snappy cos he's under presdure. He knows very well where I stand with everything now. He knows why I shut down Friday night. He knows something needs to change & soon, he knows I have the 'letter' I wrote which makes it pretty clear to her how I feel in a nice way.

I messaged him to confirm he knows that the time I'm taking off over Easter us for us/kids. If he can't make that clear to her it will be a kick in the guts for me. I really wanted it for us /little miss however if we go interstate I know he'd like to take the boys as they haven't been. That's OK with me. Who does sis think she is just including herself? She's not his wife or kids mother as she likes to believe. She thinks she's automatically included in what we do. I'm not taking a week off to be with her. I hope it comes up again as I will make it clear I am taking that time to spend with him. Him & me not him, me & her. She posted on FB that she likes people who are honest with her,no matter how hard it is. Well I hope she means it cos it's coming.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I find people who express on Facebook that they want people to be honest no matter how hard or it is, maybe just saying it for show. If you are someone who likes honesty from others to maybe do not need to write it on Facebook. Just my thoughts.

It is good you can tell M how you are feeling and be open.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Totally agree. It's like people who say ' I don't lie'. I feel if they need to make a point of if, maybe they're trying to convince themselves. I'm a believer that of not having to make a big point of something. Actions should be enough.

[CMF]

I'm a little peeved that Friday night I was put in the scenario that he clearly knows I don't want to be in. Today I was happy & sociable with his cousins. If it's him , me & sis I'll shut down. I hopr he saw the difference in me. He shouldn't expect me to be ok with it after all the times I've brought it up with him & I'm not gonna pretend I am cos hesjust disregarding my feeling if that's the case.

She says she likes the new guy but I think she feels stupud/embarassed cos the ex cheated on her so she slept with new guy so quickly to get an upper hand on her ex or to 'prove' she's over him, to show she can score another guy easily. I don't like that she's still seeking revenge on her ex or that she told us how much money the new guy earns. She's got a big mouth, whsthe earns is personal & private. She's known him 2 weeks & she's blabbed that to us. Maybe she's trying to impress us 'look what I scored'

She officially ended with the ex less than a month ago. To meet a new guy (on line), date & sleep with him all in 1 week....hmmmm I'm not sure what she's trying to prove. She needs to be in control, have the upper hand. I think even M is surprised to see this side of her.

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Oh God , surprise surprise , yeppa , l figured all that pretty much but oh well , her crapola is her worry right , you just need her out of yours and m's face for starters hey.

Yeah he'd see it and the difference l mean he'd have to be blind not to after 3yrs of it.

ex

[CMF]

Yeah rx,

I knew she had this nasty side & card reading confirmed it. When she called me that Sunday when it was confirmed he was cheating she told me she didn't love him anyway, suspected he was cheating. yet weeks before she was ready to move in with him, have kids. She has a bed he gave to m's son, wants to write 'cheater' on it & dump in his driveway. New guy straight away, sleep with him outta spite/payback or to look tough/in control. That's why she lends people money...control yet says she wants to 'help '. Now I know why M doesn't want me to send the text to her, he knows what she's like but he defends her of course. He knows I was spot on when I mimicked what her reaction would be cos she wouldn't have control. I've told him she's controlling everything. Even us. I think he needs that though. His ex wife used to organise everything, he just sat back. No wonder he needs her there. He true colours are coming out, not just her ex's.

Both her & M can't be on their own. He needs someone to control everything ,& she heeds to control. I clearly see it now, everything is ' I don't know, I'll ask my sis, she looks after that, she did this, she did that ' yet ye has a leadership role at work where he is in control of alot.

No wonder there can be tension between m & I, she's controlling, he knows I'm right yet dinies it, cards confirmed it. He was very squirming after fitst reading when all this came our. No wonder he gets snappy, cos he knows he's struck between a rock & a hard place & can't get out.

He told me it won't always be like this but i could hear in his voice he wasn't confident.sis would have been controlling with his ex too, in his ear, she told me so. I feel sick about this.

[CMF]

M has to help her take the bed back, load on the Ute and drop off. Wouldn't surprise me is she wants to do it tonight, afterall it's Valentine's Day, a day for us

[Guest_1584]

Afraid so cm , he's always seemed quite happy having her do all the stuff she does , l know the type of person known guys like that . Even when she came out to the bin that time, he probably didn't even mind.

lt's such a toughy for you bc you probably don't wanna go that far as his partner but of course you still wanna be able to just be free to be the partner in ea others lives . l think he's exhausted with it all and knows your picking it all up and that's wearing him out even more and tackling sis would be too much for him. lt doesn't have yo be drama though he only has to start doing those little things.

l need a coffee

big hugs

[Guest_1584]

He's probably having nightmares that you might crack it and send the text.

[CMF]

Agree, agree, agree.

She's asked for the number of the lady who reads my cards. Now that will be interesting. I told M that. I'm sure I'll come up somehow but i wonder how much?She may even be told some truths about herself. Hopefully she gets told she needs to move on from her brother, that she's blocking his relationship. I didn't want her using my reader for this reason but maybe the card reader will be the messenger...everything for reason. The Universe is taking control. Wonder if she'll pick up on her dominance?She wants her brother to be happy right.

I'm a little anxious tbh. I think things maybe coming to a head and be realised. She posted on FB that she may be quiet but sees everything. Still digging at the ex. I replied so do I...