Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I didn't even help with dishes, 3's a crowd. At 1 Point M & I moved to the kitchen to have a coffee & little miss an ice cream. I thought sis had gone to her room or something as she wasn't around but then she appeared, in the kit hen with us, talking about her stuff. It just proves to M everything I've said. He felt my mind shift cos I felt his shift. I talked to Sis about the ex & new man but my energy & mood just drains completely when there's 3 of us. I told M if I get peeved enough about it I'll send the text. Wonder if he's worried. Doubt it. She didn't really do much wrong I think it's just that 'married couple' feeling I get around them. It leaves me completely drained of energy.

[CMF]

And sis would have picked up on it too cos she heard me get peeved about the bday invite. After I got peeved & really anxious I said 'maybe I should just go home.' I'm sure she heard that too & I'm sure she would have stopped around M after I left. Good opportunity for him to say something about how I feel, after all,she got to spend a nice night, with a man, without his sis hanging around. If things go well with this guy I have a perfect reason to say something cos she's not allowing us what she enjoys & takes for granted. I left Mrs feeling again like I just can't do this any more. I later to him he needs to sage the house. There is a negative energy, maybe sis, maybe the clutter. I wish I could go on, tidy, declutter, buy some plants, but it's not my place, it's THEIRS. I can't even breathe properly. I want to tell him I just can't do this, evetytime I'm there I become anxious, withdrawn, wanna get out, can't breathe. The energy in that house is not good. It's happening again, these feelings. Does he care enough how it affects me or do i just stop going, unless it's an occaision,make him really see. He must have seen/felt it tonight, esp after the recent talks. It just saps the life out of me & i can't hide it😒

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh cm cm , sorry darlin.

Yeah he saw it he's well aware of it these days and of course she would've noticed you leave and not being yourself . like he's been aware awhile now for sure but l think it's too much for him , like after the invite thing. lt's mostly quiet an easy fix for him the sis thing, but he doesn't seem to realize that. At least he kept focus on you two that time when she interrupted. He only has to do little things like that. Make a spot for you beside him on the couch curl up and stuff sis would pick things like that up too. Anyway you'll see him over the wkend l suppose eh , and you'll have your beautiful time like you usually do , that'll pick you up again a bit.

Big hug. rx

[CMF]

When he sat in a spot where I couldn't sit next to him it hurt. I hearf sis ask little miss to help her so i expected a spot on the couch next to him. Aren't we supposed to be showing we are the couple. Of course it could be where he always sits at night so he just went there cos he can put his feet up but usually when I'm there we sit together. We won't have our usual Sunday cos their cousin is here from interstate so we're having lunch there all together & maybe a swim. Ive met the cousin once & we really hit it off. Sis was ok tonight for most part. She didn't really annoy me except the comment about THEIR show they like & he should know that cos i told him those comments upset me. I wanted to hear about new man & of course M wants to know. I mean she spent the night 4 days after meeting him but tonight was a little about the ex cos his friend was texting her about him cheating etc. She's not really done with him. You're right, he must feel pressure now, knowing exactly how I feel. The bday thing upset me cos I was already drained & anxious. I can't believe the shift in energy when 3 of us together. I thought tonight would be ok but I automatically felt blocked out, uncomfortable when 3 of us in a room. Is The Universe trying to tell me something? How can I go from such a high all week,manifesting, having good things happening to such an anxious low where I can't breathe properly? I can't keep putting myself in a position where I can't breathe.

[CMF]

He told sis she should have her cards read by my woman cos she's so accurate. Considering another of my readings talk about sis' dominance etc and he agrees they're so accurate, yes he gets it alright. It also hurts that he says he agrees with me on things,like the bday afterthought, & says he wouldn't do that but still defends the other person,not me. He is a people pleaser, admits it but I've told him he should have my back, not someone he's known for a few months. But you know, she's a cyclist &cycles like the boys so she must be hot stuff to him cos she's sooooo good despite the fact she'was trying to force his friend to sell his house & move to a suburb she loves. He has a child who lives with him 50% & goes to school. Why would you uproot them? This is the gf I didn't get a good feeling about when I first met her, just like I didn't get good feeling about sis' ex when I saw certain behaviours. This gf likes being one of the boys. To text MY partner a bday invite then add later that 'obviously' I'm invited...why would I think I'm not invited? Is it boys only? Am I over reacting cos I was drained? Maybe sis does give off bad energy around me? Anyway, it's normal for couples to disagree at times so she can stick her nose in cos we have no privacy to talk about anything.

[CMF]

He did start to rub my neck after dinner, maybe to ease the obvious tension. I didn't get up to help with dishes cos she was in the kitchen then he went in to make coffee. No room for 3 of us. I'm still anxious & upset but he's coming here tonight so I guess I should be happy and vibing high to really show him the difference. Not that I think he'll pick up on it. I wonder what sis said to him about the bday party cos she would have asked, she's always listening & getting involved I think. This was 1st time she heard us snap at each other, oblivious that she causes the tension for me. You could cut the air with a knife on the couch. I'm sure she picked up on it. Perfect timing for him to gently mention how I feel seeing as it was 3 of us. The perfect example was there right in front of them. The Universe putting me in the situation I didn't want cos I manifested it & maybe for him to see to.

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Ahh cm , yeah l could feel the couch situation from here. l think she tried to do something with that sitting with you and ur d trying to smooth it over which was in a way nice of her. And taking her out to the kitchen too.

l think she's known a long time to well lately for sure , could feel her out there earlier too. But it's like it's a combo of just her being her and the fact she gets along with m to , likes you and your d , think it's all a bit of a jumble for her, m's the same. Sounds like she is trying a bit though at least that's something right.

Anywayyyy, he'll be over tonight and the lunch might be nice. You won't have to try when he's over , you'll just be yourself and different anyway if he can't see that by now he must need glasses haha.

Have a good wkend eh , nice energy everywhere.

rx

[CMF]

I wonder if she asked him what's going on re the disagreement ? What would he say? She would have heard me say 'I should just go home' his reply was 'why, what are you upset about now?' He was concious she was there hearing it too...interesting. What am I upset about NOW.

Yeah tonight SHOULD be nice but these things are festering now & I'll need to get them off my chest. For someone who's meant to be making more of an effort he didn't last night.

Cmf

[CMF]

Re the bday invite & my reaction...remember sis told me that M is oblivious, he thinks everyone's nice.

[CMF]

Well...mixed weekend. M came stayed over last night. I cooked a nice dinner. We agreed sis' new man sounds nice. I tried to get more conversation out of him re it, no luck. Told M it's not right that shesslept with this new guy yet still texting ex's friend re him. He agreed & said he's gonna tell her to drop it & move on (yeah right) I apologised for my reaction to the bday party invite & explained that he always agrees with me but defends the other person. I feel invalidated & unsupported. He disagreed & said the whole thing was not that big a deal so i asked he snapped at me. I could see his annoyance but I got my feelings out. He jokingly asked what I bought him for Valentine's day (we don't do Valentines) .told him I'm his gift so he can come see me ( instead of sitting with sis), he said he'll drop in.Woke this morning overthinking & feeling sad. We had lunch at his as his relo is here from interstate. I had some alone time with sis & told her myself about texting ex's friend re him & she should stop & move on.Was lovely afternoon. His cousin keeps saying we need to go visit her. Sis was there after Xmas & visited. I reminded M that we both have time off over Easter, thinking maybe we could go with the kids. Somehow, sis managed to include herself & say it could be a road trip in her car.

Nice way to end a lovely afternoon . She really needs to get her own life. When I asked in the past if she was always gonna be involved in everything we do he said of course not. We'll see.😒