Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahh cm cm ,

Ya see this is what l love about you and m stuff , we can come back another day and it's all just fixed itself haha. Wish mine would do that hey.

He's come a longgggg way hasn't he. You can see he still struggles getting it through to himself but he sorta gets there one way or other.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

You know what? I think I'm always just looking for negatives. That's why it fixes itself cos the issues aren't always there. My overthinking mind creates them. We had a great day. Beautiful lunch at a winery with a beautiful view. Great conversation. Open discussion. I was surprised when he said he'd still be with me if I was strongly anti Vax, even if it meant wr couldn't go out for drives and lunches. Wow. I just thought it would mean the end of us. His kitchen is still so tidy. Yhe fact he did that for me speaks volumes. He said he's really fussy about it now. I think he's really hoping I'll move in eventually,lots of room. We did talk about travel today. He wants us to visit my parents home town in Italy one day & wants to take Little Miss to see it and where her dad's parents are from.

This commitment I feel is full on. Maybe all my honesty re how I feel has really sunk in?

Yeah. I don't know.

[Guest_1584]

Haaa ya see , there it goes again.

Pretty cool really . My gf won't get vaxed either. The only side it worries me about is for her health really but if we were to keep going no way it'd mean splitting up over it . So are you vaxed or getting vaxed , or not? l wasn't going to for a long time there but l changed my mind haha and in the end thought to hell with it.

Anywayyyy, yep he's in it for the long haul differences or not so that's pretty damn nice cm.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah I didn't want to but'm fully vaxed now. I have to so I can work in the office plus my son begged me to so wr can have our lives back. My kids have suffered enough. I also did it for our relationship. I couldn't do that to M,not get vaxed, cos I know he likes going to wineries & Sunday drives and I want to go shopping and sit in cafes.

So yeah. I'm vaxed & feel better for doing it.

[CMF]

Had dinner at M's tonight. His son was a little down as he couldn't go away or go out this weekend due to exams/study. I think M didn't want him to feel alone. Dinner was nice, sis & bf were there. I saw another side of bf I didn't like. He is a bit of a stirrer but also a bit of a jerk I thought. I mentioned that from 6pm tonight we don't have to wear masks outdoors. He laughed and said he'd never worn one anyway. I was a little surprised. He's been putting everyone at risk. I knew he'd had friends over last month who got drunk and slept there but I didn't know he was so blatantly ignoring the rules. He's fully vaxed bur doesn't matter. He's posted things on social media re vaxing to stir people up & it caused some tension amongst sis' friends. Sis got quite peeved at him for continuing to stir her about her Vax. She told him that's He's gone too far now and needs to stop. Wow. Now that he's all comfy and settled in the family I find him quite annoying. He gets hayfever and constantly makes a snorting noise to clear his throat. It's revolting and constant. I also thought when M stayed over last Friday sis was at her bf's house. Turns out she was home later, so still don't know if M stays here only if she's home with them. Now he can cycle properley with a group and weather proving, will that change his mind on sleeping here? He was organising his ride tonight, where to meet etc. It may not, but interesting times ahead.

If I were dating someone like the bf...we'd be done. Laughing & thinking it's funny not wearing a mask all this time. Staying at M's, risking getting Covid & infecting others and us. M knows how I feel about rule breakers. I made it clear what I thought about their selfishness. M just agreed with me and all along the bf was one of them. Guess I was right not to go there during lockdown, but still he could have infected M and in turn M could have infected us and his school etc. M was furious with a dad at school who refused to wear a mask yet bf did the same thing. Guess he just can't stand up to his sis and tell her but he can be peeved off at others. Sis works in healthcare too. How irresponsible of them.

Yeah, bf bit too cocky for my liking. Don't think sis has much patience for him either.

[CMF]

Maybe true colours coming out like the cards said.

[CMF]

Also, M didn't suggest swapping our sleepover to Saturday night.

Wonder why? Still feeling the need to 'protect' his 18yo son? Sis maybe not home tonight to babysit?

No idea but I feel my mood shifting again.

Also... I was talking to M at the table after dinner. Quiet conversation re my little miss, not for all ears but I could feel sis staring and listening. Really had nothing to do with her but she has to have her nose in everything.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I enjoy reading or well expressed thoughts.
I sometimes feel I have L plates on in my relationship even though I have had a few.

Sometimes we think we know are partner and all is well and then they can say or do something and one starts to overthink.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Iam overthinking. I was in a grumpy mood today and i'm really emotional tonight. M did nothing wrong. I think his son would have been home alone studying so only fair he stayed with him. Keep him on track too as he procrastinate. He has 2 exams Monday. I was moody with little miss in supermarket today for no reason. I watched Mamma Mia 2 on TV tonight. Love that movie and just cried my eyes out.

No idea what's wrong with me. Just really emotional.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I can understand and relate to being emotional. Someone says something neutral I take it personally and then feel I am overreacting.

I know I am emotional and sensitive and that makes have much empathy.

I think you are juggling so much and working so hard so no wonder you are emotional.