Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahh right , and being a brother too would add a weird twist.

She must of been feeling it all though mths now especially lately but it sounds like then even if by some miracle she hasn't then between m and the the psychic, even she must be onto it by now.

lt's a toughy alright being part her house too and with everything he's done for m. wish l had a sis like that actually in a way but yeah not in others. And with a partner as well then yeah , it'd have to tone right back for sure. Sounds like she is a very smart cookie actually but then often very smart people aren't all that perceptive too, pretty common.

Think if you can hang in there and your happy with m and the you guys side of things though , it'll all pan out in the end. She'll have to become more involved with the bf and she'll be moving or something sometime. Add in her finally putting 2 and 2 together one way or other.

[Guest_1584]

l've always had the feeling sis didn't so much want to block you out or intrude, but more like she wants you to be part of her family and their thing and she wants to be part of your thing with m , like the 3 of you , like it is with her bf now and m. M l think felt like that too they're both very social and family like and it's just been more like bringing you into it too they would've loved you being part of their clan , not really anything malicious . l think for them both it's more just a bit of a shame you don't really want the happy 4some thing- or 3some either.

She doesn't sound like a bad person, just a bit on the self centered and insensitive side.

Just thoughts. rx

[quirkywords]

CMF

How are you feeling today. has his sister said anything?

Randomx you have interesting insights.

[CMF]

Hi my friends,

Feeling better, just very tired from work.

Rx, I do agree with you. They do want me to be a part of their 'thing '. They are both very sociable. She is not malicious but when M & I have such limited time together she needs to understand that it's 'our' time, just like she has private time with her bf. Because we have limited time she needs to understand she can't be a part of everything we do. She also needs to not get involved in'our' conversations especially from another room. Also, there are times I want to do things for him. I don't interfere when she does things for him. She has a bf, her focus should be on him. Her bro doesn't need to be 'looked after,' by her. He is old enough and has me.Would be different if M and I had more time together. At the moment I need a break from her. Spoke to M tonight, he asked what I want to do tomorrow night and said he'll pop over for dinner. He didn't suggest I go there so I think he finally understands.

She is just overbearing.

[CMF]

She can't be in his ear changing his mind about something he and I have discussed. She can't be the centre of his attention all the time. She needs to respect our time and our privacy. Just like we respect hers. She needs to butt out when things do not involve her. I don't want to be a threesone or foursome. Not when I see him so little.

[Guest_1584]

Oh yeah and fair enough too cm.

No one could blame you .

Hope you can get a nice Sunday anyway eh.

rx

[CMF]

I haven't been feeling very well this week and I'm exhausted and really down. M came and had lunch with me today which was lovely but he mentioned that we're having dinner at his mum's tonight I was home alone & although I'm extremely tired and not feeling well and I didn't want to go , didn't want to be around them and Their perfect lives I still feel sad that even though he knew I was home alone I didn't get inviited. Sis' boyfriend always goes but M just said to me 'oh you're all alone enjoy the serenity' it just makes me feel excluded and lonely he didn't know I was alone till this evening but sis' bf is there so much and involved in the family and it's been less than a year. 3 years on, M & I are in the same space. Their lives are so perfect, they have everything and get everything they want. I'm just a misfit. He knows I like my alone time but just to be asked would be nice, just to be considered instead of ' oh your all alone" What am I? Just a date?

I just want to climb back into my hole and never come out.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

you sound so sad and tired. Believe me, their lives aren’t perfect, there is no such thing. True some people seem to be happier or more together than others, but I think that is partly disposition and partly effort.

the situation you are in with M has made you isolate yourself a bit, and. Increasingly so that is probably why you were not included, and would you have gone if asked.

you want it to be a lot more of the two of you that is natural, but it isn’t going to be like that now, and maybe won’t be. But you may need to compromise and be part of the group if you want to be included more.

it is very difficult for you, but relationships are more complicated as we get older and people have lives and other people where relationships and patterns of behaving have built up over many years.

be kind to yourself.

Tess

[CMF]

Feel more & more we're not in the same space. I have a young child, he has freedom. He loves me & cares, but not in the way I need. He is alot about himself, what he wants is has to get a bike ride in. We want different things. Last weekend I did mention we have nothing in common. He agreed but said we're both good people. Is that enough? I've been in pain all week and little miss has vomited a couple of times, like last night. I haven't had much sleep.He asked this morning how we are and if I'm going to work. Told him maybe later, he said rest. Its 2.30pm He hasn't checked in at all to see if I'm home or at work. When he does he'll be all chirpy and happy. He doesn't know how to show empathy. I'm so tired. I feel I have no one I can really rely on. No one who understands. Our worlds are so different. He's oblivious or ignores it. I feel and see it so much. If I ended it he'd tell himself it's my loss. Woukdhe question why or what we coukd fix?

Maybe I'm too tired but I'm feeling very alone in my relationship.

I don't know 😞

[CMF]

Shame on me. I decided to call M, I don't have to wait for him. Well silly me forgot he wadxeorki g with a friend today, helping with a job. I'm so good at creating situations that are incorrect. I told him we'd talk later but he said it's okay and made time for a quick chat to see how we are. I have other examples where I've created a negative situation in my head and it wasn't the case at all. I'm aware I do it, yet I keep doing it. I started on this relationship so happy and easy going. I don't know why I've become like this but fo know the on going, dragged out sis situation is a big part of it. A constant thorn in my side.