Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I hope so. I do k ow he is trying which means a lot to me. She needs boundaries though. Doing all these nice things doesn't give her right to be involved on everything I know she wouldn't like it, being told, having someone interfere in decision making with her bf. She loves M hanging with her and bf c p s she's in love with both, gets attention from both. I wonder if she'd like M going up to the bedroom with them? Joint their conversation? No idea why she thought at it was was invited into his. Well i do. Cos he discussed it with her and she took that as 'intervention needed' cos I was doing it for him. She has to have a hand in everything. His room, where we go, what we do, what he buys me. He does ask her but give an inch she takes a mile.

I feel sick and even bad for ranting to girls at work. It just came out. The bedroom pushed me over the line.

Things gotta change. I need to take cotrol of our relationship. No more sitting back and letting her run the show whether he sees it or not.

[CMF]

I don't know where i want to be in my life anymore.

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh , your getting there cm , pat yourself on the back .And without a shytstorm so far too so to me that'd be a real achievement bc l probably would've cracked much sooner and caused one in the end. Don't worry about the girls , they love this crap haha.

[CMF]

I'm just so down and out. I mean, where are we headed? Sis will never change, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. If we lived at his place she would walk in and out as she wanted cos it's her place and she's used to it. Example, hot summer day, I'm relaxing by the pool on my own. She (and bf) would walk in and take over. There goes my quiet day. He says he's move or sell but deep down not sure he means it. I reckon hes6hoping I'll give in. My older daughter wont6live with us. What do I do there? Our relationship started with plans for the future. Now we have none. I've learnt what sis is really like. I'm seeing her true colours and they're seeing mine. I'm easy going but I won't be a doormat.

I'm shutting down in our future. I'm not budging. I should just go with the plans I had ie sell my place, but townhouse . When I say that he asks what about him. He's not really a thinker, doesn't think long term at how things are actually going to work. He's had ideas but 3 years later has realised it's not so easy, how do we do it.

We love each other, he tries to understand me, my anxiety, my frustrations but hes so flippant, follows whatever, thinks positive without really evaluating the facts of the situation. He once told me he was positive about us living together to counteract my negativity. A few weeks ago we discussed and he agreed it's really tricky.

Facts are facts. No amount of poisitivity can change them. Great to be positive but he doesn't consider the facts.

No wonder I feel like Negative Nancy. I mention the logistics, the facts. we have actually gone backwards cos if sis and how his son treated my daughter. It's frustrating. I give up.

[CMF]

My whole life has a cloud of negativity over it. Work, relationship, future.

[CMF]

She bought into his house to pay out the ex and shacked up with him and his boys right at the time we got together. She stopped sleeping at her Bf's (now ex bf)

Guess she wasnt banking on me or another woman being in his life. She thought she'd have him s nd his boys all to herself. She knew she couldn't have a family or future with her ex so she found a substitute.

Sad.

[CMF]

...and if anything is said about me not going there I'll be honest. I see him twice a week and I'd like privacy, alone time, just like everyone else gets and as it would be (I hope) if she didn't live there.

[CMF]

Beautiful day with M. Alone time, nice drive, lunch, talking. I have no doubt how much he loves me, shows it in many ways. Unfortunately on the way home I saw text message from sis, who had gone for a drive with bf to visit friends. So she's away with bf but still thinking about texting her brother. M also had to mention her a few times in conversation and then show me the cover she bought him for his air pods.

I feel bad not going to his place anymore but it is justified. She has alone time with her bf, I want it with mine. I want it to be ad it would be if she wasn't always around so I need to create that. I've been drinking turmeric lattes. M said he will try and find the powder to make it for me when I go over. Of course then he remembered they have some that his sis bought in India. Might pass on that one.

[Guest_1584]

Well at least you had an almost perfect Sunday eh , but l can feel you soooo strongly in this . Just wondering though , is sis picking it up lately do you think ? She must be by now surely .

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx

Well I'm wondering same thing. That blow up I had really changed things for me. I told him exactly how I felt and didn't hold back. I don't know what or how he told sis. Then I went and set up his room when I knew she wasn't there. I cut her out of it completely and she hasn't commented or said it's nice or anything and he hasn't said she liked it either. I'm still upset over it havnt been there since, she would realise cos yeah, she's so smart and amazing all that. I think he sees how quiet I've been, he s been so loving. He always calls from his room now. Privacy. She has a clairvoyant she talks to now and then who is very accurate. I'm sure she would pick up on it. In fact, I want a reading from her. Seriously, sis is so smart,and amazing at everything, she must realise how rude and intrusive she can be. It's just selfish. Then again, she gets all she wants, she manifests always us says you can do anything if you try. Well, she wants her bros attention when I'm there and she makes sure she gets it. I'm so up in the air no idea about our future/relationship now. I want to see her next move ie move out. I need to know what it's like if she doesn't live there. Will she still be intrusive? Will she be there all the time? Will she be always texting?I reckon so. I don't think I can live like that with him, it will affect us hence why I was won't live at his house. The constant texts when he's with me...She just thinks of him even when with her bf.

Yeah no amount of loving from him will change how her behaviour affects me . Maybe one day she'll grow up and move on with her life. M is the 1st man she's lived with, she'll expect her bf to be like him maybe.