Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I've calmed down. I know he transferred extra cos ive bought so much and he doesn't want paying for too many big ticket items ie new doona. He was just being thoughtful. We had a bit of a laugh about it, He said I love getting fired up. Hope that doesn't mean yesterday's conversation is brushed off cos I wasn't fired up, I was really upset.

He mentioned again about me sleeping over when the new room is done. Said little miss will probably start sleeping some weekends at her dad's. He has an expensive mattress for his bad back, I know that but I told him he could sleep at mine too. If my mattress is an issue I want him to be up front. I have a 17yo daughter too whom I won't leave on her own. It can't be me going there all the time, esp if sis is still living there. Also, he gets up early to cycle, what am I supposed to do? I'd rather be in my face own home.

Yeah, not sure about him always saying I could sleep at there. Goes both ways.

[Tess2]

Hi CMF,

I know you have a young child and you both have older children but you and M have been seeing each other for sometime, could you not have a discussion with them about moving forward. Your little girl doesn’t need details of course but she could understand a sleep over.

I am not sure though given the circumstances it should be at his place. That would give his sister more scope to stake her claim.

your place would be better and schedule for say a week ahead so that the kids can get used to the idea and your little one has time to think about and ask you anything she needs to?

just some thoughts

tess

[CMF]

Hi Tess.

Completely agree. I wouldn't stay there if sis was there. I don't need a party. Little miss would be fine with it. We slept in the same bed when we went away in January and she didn't question it.

We will get there. He came over today and offered to help little miss with her remote learning, making sure she was understanding.

I really think when sis moves it will make a difference. As I said, she was wouldn't like it if she was followed to her bedroom. M's bedroom is the one room she hasn't taken over.

I'm wondering what he said to her re not interfering with his room. Wonder if he made a joke of it/me? He wouldn't be game enough to tell her to step back, not now that she owns him.

Cmf x

[CMF]

So I told M most of his stuff has arrived and asked when is his house 'free' ie when is sis not there as per our chat. He said tomorrow, but I'm working, so he asked what suits me.

Dos this mean he hasn't understood what I said or how I feel? Does it mean he told sis to back off a bit? I DO NOT want to do it when she's there, even if she butts out. I'm not interested.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

I have learnt that men are by and large, but not exclusively, simple people. And just mean what they say, it is women who read more into it. So my guess is he is just asking you what suits you , so when are you free and and him when sis won’t be there and just select a time.

dont put off joy in life until his sister makes a move and goes, who knows that could be this year, or never and the stronger you and M are the more authority you have. I mean authority in a good way.

Also try not set your goals of togetherness be put off too long , like when the children are.... or when she does this .... your plans as a couple are yours so move on with it, even if gradually.

Sincerely Tess xx

[CMF]

Thank you Tess,

You are right. I'm putting things off and waiting for...I guess this gives her more power too. You are also right that women read onto things more, esp me.

I think he's trying not to make too much guess about the sis thing. He said he'll make sure she doesn't get involved so if she's there she'll know to give me space. I know he would be trying to avoid conflict between sis and I so he would have mentioned it to her in a subtle way I'm guessing. He would also know what she's like if you get her offside , He wouldn't want that for us.

Geoff made a great point on another thread about how 'date night/day ' can become monotonous if same day every week esp if 1 person may not feel like it 1 day. Our Sunday's are great, but yes, it can feel too much like routine and not fun, while I'm even though where we go is always fun and different. Mixing things up a bit is good, when we can. This Saturday we are going out for dinner for my bday. M's suggestion.

I had a little meltdown w hen this lockdown was announced. Asked him to pls not send me pics of them h a long fun cos it's hard being alone, working from home, remote learning etc. He has been popping in some days, bringing coffee, helping little miss with school. He took on board what I said, how it made me feel last lockdown.

I feel a little nervous about going over to set up his room cos I don't know how he told sis, but pretty sure he wouldn't have thrown me under the bus. You are right though, maybe I need to say something to her if a moment arises.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l think in this case Tess is right , God it still feels very very strange saying that name, was my ex's name. But that's exactly how l see m in your case.

He is between a rock and a hard place in a way bc although she might be an in your face pain in the arse , for him it's not so much like that . And he also still holds the gratitude with everything she's done for him and his kids too , and then there's the share owner house thing butttt, he does want you to be happy too. So although it's taken him a long time to get his head around it at least he's will to gently give it a prod now and also lift his game a bit with you two too.

We always knew he was gonna take patience hey , cringing says cm . But l think he's onto it finally and he's tried to give her a gentle nudge l'd say. l think you'll be safe but eh , l'd still double check before hand .

Good luck.

[CMF]

So today is my bday. Great day. Breakfast with my girls, then over to M's to set up his room which he loved quick shopping trip then out for a lovely dinner with M. My outburst last week must have got him thinking.During dinner he actually brought up us. He asked, as far as living together, how I see it happening. We'd need a 5 bedroom house initially, till the older ones move out, close enough to school. How do we do that? Rent and pay our mortgages? He said we could sell our houses and buy a big one. I told him I don't know how it would work as I don't think he wants to move from his house. He said he'd be prepared to move. If we sold and bought. What if we split up? After all, we don't know what to it's like to be together so much. My older daughter doesn't want to live with them since falling out with his son. I don't want that to he the reason she lives with her dad. M suggested we could start with sleepovers . Little miss will hopefully start t o sleep at her dad's soon on weekends. I said that everything depends on other people's actions. He asked if that was his fault. No. Little miss needs to start sleeping at her dad's, his sis needs to move out. He jumped straight away saying she won't be there forever. Told him again that for starters I'd like to be able to go to his house and not have others in my face all the time. I want a normal relationship, us & our kids. He asked if little miss dad would have her overnight if we wanted to go away a weekend. We didn't cone to any conclusions but it was was nice he brought it up. We chatted slot, He said what he loves about me is I keep it real, I'm not pretentious. When we went to pay the waiter asked how we knew about the place, M said his sis recommended it. He also mentioned something else she did at home cos she's so good at frickin everything. Again, she's in everything we do. Had a great day, lovely night but just questioning everything.

[CMF]

He's asking how I see us living together. I just wanna be able to drop in ehen I want to see my partner without having the extras there.

That would be a good start 😔

[CMF]

I asked what he'd do with his house if we lived elsewhere. Would he rent it out? After all, if we rented initially we can't pay mortgages AND rent. He said he could sell but I think he forgot it's not his to sell. I have no doubt sis would try and buy him out and live there. Big house, pool. She's already taken over, why not go all the way?