Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

My colleague was called into the boss' office at 5.25pm today. I was told i would have to lock up. Naturally i am anxious. Is it because of what i said? Has something else happened? My office manager told me they would speak to me before speaking with her to make sure i was comfortable with how it would be dealt with, but the new boss could be different. I'm very uncomfortable about her knowing i said as it will make things very awkward at work. especially as she says she is not a 'dibby dobber'. Today she was on the mobile again. She gave me some of her work to help her with, which is fine, but she then fluffed around with something non important. I was helping with her work, leaving my own aside, while she fluffed around with something else. I have to try get all mine done tomorrow as i am not in till Friday now.

Feeling a little nervous 😞

[quirkywords]

CMF,

Thanks for keeping us up to date with what is happening with your colleague.

Do you know what happened at the meeting had nothing to do with your talk to the boss.?

I hope you are not feeling nervous.

I think the boss should keep your name out of it.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky

The meeting was about a complaint about her from a client. The boss took the opportunity to mention she needs to be 100% focus

[CMF]

The meeting was re a complaint about her. The boss too the opportunity to mention she needs to be 100% focused and not distracted. It's made no difference. Friday 13th today. What a day. Had a few triggers but i handled them ok. I realised i was assuming the worst and it may not be the case. I'm feeling crap about menopausal weight gain. It's really getting me down..I'm very tired. Off to bed.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I hope you are feeling better today.

People are aware of your colleague so that is a start,

i agree assuming the worst is nit a good idea as you get all worked up over something that may not happen.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi

Not feeling much better. I am always bloated and my tummy hurts. I put jeans on today that i wore a year ago and they looked awful. I went thru my wardrobe and took out everything that no longer fits. I'm size 10 now with a few 8's but I'm so physically uncomfortable. M noticed i was flat today. Said if it bothers me i should do something about it. I have no time. 3 kids, on my own. He gets it but it doesn't make me feel any better. Wish i could crawl into a hole. Just want to be alone. No use to anyone.

[CMF]

I'm struggling. Been a tough week, anxiety playing up and so down today. I was anxious this week, my work colleague up to usual crap at work which upset me. Do i really need to say something again? Have a team building day this Friday, little miss' dad said he can pick her up from after care only to tell me tonight he is not sure. i have told work i can go, now it is up in the air again. I am trying to sell an old couch and so many people stuffing me around. they are coming,they are not coming, they place a bid, they then say they don't want it. Again i feel like the 3rd wheel with M and his sister (whom i love). I popped round yesterday for a coffee and it was mentioned that they need to get his son organised to go o/s next September to visit his grandfather's town and meet relatives. This is fine, I know M was hoping to take his boys ,and suggested maybe we could all go, it's not an option for me. His sis just got back, she goes regularly. I have no problem with them going (I assume M may go too) but i feel they are planning things and living a life together and i feel excluded. It is a year away but she said they need to make sure his is organised. Our kids went out today and M and I went for lunch then back to his house. I really would have liked some alone time as i have felt crap this week,he has had a few things going on too, but his sister was home and they were doing a few things around the house so yes, i felt like third wheel. I wanted to help with the dishes this morning and they told me to leave them. i know they are being polite but i felt excluded, like they are the couple and i am a guest so i went and sat outside on my own. Surely i am more that just a guest by now? Wednesday nights her BF goes for dinner and sleeps over. That is fine but it is like they have each other.I feel he has her to talk to about everything and therefore doesn't need to tell me everything. I want to be the one who is there for him but feel i am not cos he has his sister and i can't see it changing anytime soon. She is like a mother to his boys as they hardly see their mother. I don't want to say anything to him as i know he will tell her cos they are so close. He has no idea how i feel and i can't tell him. I feel like the 3rd wheel in our relationship. They have done nothing wrong at all, they are wonderful to me but I've said this before, it is like they are the 'couple' as they live in the same house and i am a guest or a friend.

[quirkywords]

CMF,

Sorry you are struggling and feeling down.

It is understandable that you would feel left out but of course you are pleased he is close to his sister. Does M ever spend much time at your house.

do you think you could try tell M how you feel left out Nd how you understand how important his sister is to him. ?

Do you feel comfortable if he comes to your house? Sorry if these are silly questions.

if you were feeling ok would you still have these feelings or is it worse when you feel so down?

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Not silly questions at all. His sister has been such a support to him and his boys and saved them from having to sell their home, so she deserves to be there. He does come here too but I usually go there on Sundays and we head out. They have a great coffee machine, a pool. I don't know, it just worked out that way. We both have our kids living with us so of course it is hard to have 'alone time' but it is more frustrating when the kids are out and then we have his sister around. I did mention last week that i feel we will never really 'be together'. It just seems so far out of reach at the moment. It isn't something we stress about though as we are happy. Last week we went to the footy show recording as his sister's bf bought us all tickets. As we were leaving he was walking with his sis (they are both tall and long legs) and i was just lagging behind until we got outside.
The weekend was the 8 month anniversary of his dad passing. With his mum and sister we went to church, cemetery and lunch. His mum mentioned that she was going to take her own car so she could come home as it is the only day we get to spend together and she didn't want to interrupt it. There is no way i would have allowed that but it was thoughtful . His sister's response was that it was a silly suggestion cos she was going to come to lunch. I was rushing to get to the mass on time. I was feeling cranky and almost like i shouldn't go as i felt i was just following them around. Little did i realise how much it meant to M. He messaged me later thanking me for going to church and cemetery. He said i am so supportive and a perfect fit, said it feels like we've been married for years and feels so natural. I was so humbled that he felt that way. Things are very easy going with us, we do fit. I don't know what i expect. He has his sis around and i have little miss. He could think the same of me but Sunday is our day and it was frustrating that all the kids were out but his sis was home. His ex wife was high maintenance, never happy and hated people around. i don't want to appear like that cos i'm not. Today i just needed time with him, not be the 3rd wheel.

[CMF]

I feel so down. Had a team building day on Friday, we did The Amazing Race. It as so much fun, I haven't run so much in a long time. My boss is VERY competitive. His team came 2nd, The team I was on won and they all said we won cos of me. I did contribute a lot and work out puzzles but it as a team effort. I'm worried my boss is peeved cos we beat his team and he knows they all credit that to me. Had a nice weekend with M but feeling flat once I got hone. Bought my son a lava lamp as a surprise. Worked great at M's house but not working at home. Cannot find little miss' summer uniform anywhere despite seeing it a fear weeks ago when I rearranged some clothes. It has just dissapeared into thin air. I'm so upset and frustrated as she needs to wear it from this week. She will probably be the only one not wearing it. I'm such a let down.

cmf x