Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

My days have been same as usual. Today i spoke to the Office Manager re my colleague's behaviour at reception. Again today i returned to my desk to find her on her mobile while both office phones were ringing. Another instance she was yelling for me to help her when phones were ringing and a plumber was standing there yet when she was talking to the plumber about her personal stuff she didn't answer the phones and left me to handle it on my own. Her mobile phone was constantly ringing, texting- her partner, her daughter. I'm so sick of hearing it. So today i spoke up. Hopefully it is dealt with professionally and discreetly.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am glad you spoke up even though it can be hard as you don’t know the response you will get.

It must be difficult for you and other colleagues in the office to cope with her behaviour.

Maybe she has her own problems but using work time to solve ether is not the answer.

Let us know what is done after you told management what ishappening?

Quirky

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

it must be so hard to watch this at work but all you can do is speak directly to her or to her manager. It sounds like you have done these things. I know you do a good job yourself so just keep doing that. It is hard but you can’t change the behaviour of others. My advice is to find a way not to focus on what she is doing and don’t get caught in her games and manipulation. Let it go. Much harder done than said, but it is stressing you too much and you have so much good stuff going on in your life

tess

[CMF]

Thx Quirky and Tess,

Struggling today. Hormones all over the place. I'm cold , moody and feel like i gained 10 kilos overnight. I had my hair blow waved for the function last weekend and it was gorgeous, even lasted all week. I thought i would get a blow wave from one of the cheaper salons in a shopping centre today. thought it would cheer me up and if i liked it thought maybe i could get one every fortnight as they are not too expensive. OMG, it was awful. She asked if i wanted volume, i said yes, full at the back, but of height. I have an a-line bob, she made it flat on top and full and curled under at the ends. I told her i didn't;t want it full on the sides. OMG, it looked like a tent.. It was not smooth and had no shape or style at all. Thank god the salon was near the exit. I wished i had a paper bag to put over my head. I watched her and knew it was not right. I almost felt like saying 'are you serious? Is this how you blow wave? Are you even qualified?"I was so dissapointed and upset. I came hoke and tried to fix it but ended up washing and doing it myself again. My neighbour is renovating and there is an internal door that keeps slamming in the wind. I told him and we have put bricks in front if it to stop it as it kept me awake for a few nights. When i got home i could heat a 'bang', 'bang' as it is very windy today. Luckily i was able to crawl in between the framework to check and yes, the bricks had been moved despite the builder s being told to make sure they are in place. I put them back in front of the door but was very annoyed. Lucky i was able to get in.

I am very agitated, shivery and cannot think straight or function properly. Cannot get anything done at all but am trying to push myself.

[CMF]

I'm pushing myself. Pushing, pushing. Heating is on, stomach is aching, a PMT type of ache. Have tidied, put clothes away, thrown out rubbish. Washing is done and outside drying in the wind, Rain is threatening but i am hoping it get it almost dry before it rains. I plan to fold the clean washing and try and clean the bathrooms and perhaps vacuum. I always feel better when the house is clean and tidy. I just need to keep busy despite feeling physically and emotionally crap.. I am shivery and stomach is so sore but i know it will pass. it is hormones playing havoc with me. I was snappy with little miss today (especially after the bad blow wave) but i have told her i am sorry for being grumpy and that i am just not feeling very good. We hugged it out and i reminded her how wonderful she is and how proud i am of her.

I need to keep moving, keep cleaning and keep busy. I will not waste this day.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am sorry you are feeling like this but you seem to be doing things you know will help.

Be kind to yourself

Quirky

[CMF]

Thx Quirky,

Had a beautiful relaxing day with M yesterday. Lunch at a local cafe. We talked, laughed, enjoyed each other's company but i woke with anxiety. I know what caused it, but it got worse as i was further triggered. I know I've been here before, i know a phone call will sort it out but i know I'll be on hold for ages and and ringing this dept causes anxiety. I know my mind is going haywire, I'm catastrophising. I also know there is quite possibly no issue at all, that my mind is making up all these scenarios which are unlikely. Despite being anxious about a particular thing quite a few things worked in my favour but 1 little thing has made me question if i did it correctly. I finish work early today. Have 4 hrs to make the phone call and check it but I'm anxious thinking about it. It brings back all the anxieties I've had for years with this dept. So what if I'm on hold for a while. It can be done, it is a simple thing but i feel so sick.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Ok, i did it. I made the call and all was fine. My anxiety will hopefully settle. I still have stomach pain but the sun is shining and i hope to have a good day.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

Congratulations for deciding to face your fears and making the phone call.

I hope that your day gets betters. It is cold here and no sun, so hope all is well with you.

Thanks for sharing this as it shows we can conquer our anxiety.

Quirky

[CMF]

My colleague now 'refuses ' to do some things at work. I wonder if i can refuse to do things? What would happen? An email comes in to both of us, she tells me about it. I can't open the link so she offers to forward it to me. I say no, just action it. She wouldn't do it. She has become a self entitled, lazy pea brain. Complains to me about other staff but she does the same thing.i tell her to inform the dept manager if it's an issue, she says she's not a dibby dobber.she feels she does not have to do things and just expects everyone else to do it for her. I asked for help, she told me to Google it. She asked me and when i didn't run to do it she got snappy and said she wanted me to have s look and i wasn't doing it. I don't know what has gotten into her. She is becoming obnoxious, more self centered and i am becoming more angry and anxious.