Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thank you Quirky,

It has been a fear, now it has happened but at lease i have an alternative route if needed. M was worried i would have an accident, he was trying to calm me down. I felt so sick. I was still stuck at the train line at the time i am usually at he school, that was scary The good thing is i do not have lingering anxiety. I usually leave 5 mins early but i didn't Friday. May not have made a difference.

I'm going to try not to think about it too much.

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Well done, you....CMF! see, we all have reserves of strength we don't realise....you reached down and grabbed hold of yours like a champion...so pleased for you.....love....x

[smallwolf]

CMF,

What you mentioned is one of my fears also. And it is probably the not knowing what happens when you are late, and what are the consequences etc. You are not the only one. I sometimes wonder what receptionists think when I do turn up (somewhat/really) early for appointments.

But as you said, you were still able to find some positives out of the situation.

M sounds like a good person also. I still scan your story line.

Hope you are having a good weekend,

Tim

[CMF]

Thank you Moon and Tim,

I am a little anxious now. I am worried i will feel anxious when i leave work Monday.

[smallwolf]

CMF,

How did Monday go for you?

Tim

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for asking, it was ok as my older daughter is doing her work experience this week at Little Miss' school so they came home together.

cmf x

[CMF]

So i was a little nervous about picking up little miss after work cos of what happened last week...until i got call from the school around lunch time. Little miss had fallen and hit her head on the ground. she was ok, but they need to notify me. 1/2 later an other call, the writing on the board looked fuzzy and they suggested i pick her up. I leave work and 1/2 way there they call to say she has deteriorated, vomiting, drowsy, very pale. I call the dr, they tell me go to the ER. When i got to school she was not good, vomiting, head hurts, wanting to sleep, very, very pale. I wonder how i'm going to drive to the hospital and keep her awake, look for parking etc so we opted for an ambulance. On the way she vomited again so they upgrade the call. When we arrive they monitor her vitals and she falls asleep so they decide to do a head scan as it has been 3 hours since the injury. After 4 hours in ER we are given the all clear and can go home. One of the nurses recognised her name and realised she looked after little miss in ICU exactly 6 years ago.

We are home, just need to keep and eye on her.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am sorry to hear about little miss but glad she is ok. I hope she will sleep ok tonight.

how are you feeling, you must be physically and emotionally exhausted.

Thinking of you both.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Yes, i am physically and mentally exhausted. I've just made a cuppa and sat down and it's hit me.

How do i keep going?

Cmf x

[smallwolf]

Hi CMF,

What I am about to say is from a different situation but ... I think that in the moment you were running on "adrenaline" (even if it was metaphorically) so that when you have a chance to relax to all hits you. The other thing is this also shows the level of love and care you have for those around you.

And on keeping going (and I am probably speaking for myself here but...) so you can see them finish high school, get a job, find love and get married, and if nothing else, just to see a smile on their face.

Take care,

Tim