Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thanks Nat,

Well it did get sorted. He has time out of class on Friday afternoons for the extra work. I have just finished two weeks of working every day. It was so tiring but i am grateful for the extra hours. Next week hopefully i will back to normal routine but i will take extra hours where i can. I have been feeling great but a bit flat at the moment.Hormones/perimenopuase I'd say. Feeling bloated, flabby. I'm upset that i am no longer a size 6-8 but more of a 10. I feel i look yuck in jeans and just feeling physically awful. It makes me feel lethargic. It is amazing the variation in clothes sizes. I can comfortably wear an 8 in some brands but in others need a 12. Is it me or the sizes? It is so disheartening to try a 12 and have it feel snug yet in other things a 12 is clearly too big. I don'y weigh myself anymore. 1 because I am too scared and 2 because i care more how i look than what i weigh. I admire women who are not stick thin, that have curves and embrace them. I wish i could but i just feel frumpy.

I went to a work course this week on communication. It was just for ys receptionists and i got so much out of it. Not only did i get to meet receptionists from other offices but it really reconfirmed the importance of our role and it made me feel so good about my job an just made me want to excel at what i do. I want to make a difference, i want people to think 'wow, she was really helpful'. Some already say this but I want to do it more, i want people to feel good after speaking with me.

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

Your course sounded very interesting and helpful and it seems to have built up your confidence and really given you a purpose. You would be an asset to any firm. As well as your paid work you have all your unpaid work with your children so it makes your full time work even longer.

It is funny about dress sizes, most women reading this I guess would be be thrilled to be size 10, I think I maybe was that when I was a child!!

I understand though if you are used to being slim when you put on weight it can get you down.

Clothes sizes very so much I can vary by 3 sizes.

Quirky

[CMF]

AAAAhhhh anxiety. Go away, go away. Caffeine, triggers. I know I'll be ok but it is so annoying. I read my affirmations and positive quotes for reassurance and to remind my self that the are just thoughts. It is M's 50th bday this week and we are all going there for dinner. something to look forward to. It is amazing how we thing the same things, then one of us will say it and the other will say...i was just thinking that or we say it at the same time.

I want the anxiety to go away. I feel a little down and a little bit sick.

[CMF]

Feel like I'm drowning in my anxiety. Everything is overwhelming.

[quirkywords]

CMF

sorry you are feeing overwhelmed by your anxiety / I wonder is there anything triggering this.

Has M had his birthday dinner yet. Does he know how you are feeling?

If you keep busy does that help the anxiety lessen or does it make it worse?

Quirky

[CMF]

I don't know. I'm tired. I want to give up.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

Just wondering , you've had a really big few mths with m on top of work and time and christmas new yr stuff, so much happening could be all setting you off.

l know with me too much at once especially big things or people things can send me into a spin and l have to tone everything right back and get some space and slow down for awhile, if l don't l just get worse.

Just a thought but maybe you need a breather.

All the best

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Yes, I probably do need a breather. I am exhausted, feel I cant cope and wan to run away. I need a good cry to wash it all away. I should get back into my normal routine now with any luck. It has been so extremely hot and that really affects me too. I find it stifling and distressing but a cool change has just come through which is a relief. I have not slept well the last few night due to the heat and i know this does not help. On top of that i have had a cold which has made me feel exhausted and dizzy. Not a great combination. I practise gratitude as much as i can because despite how i feel i know I am blessed and someone is looking over me. I guess this is just my usual anxiety cycle made worse by the heat, tiredness and feeling under the weather.

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hell yeah too much heat alone's enough to send anyone batty isn't it, looking forward to a much cooler week this one myself too.

Nice to hear someones looking over ya anyway .

Good luck with everything.

[CMF]

This week is proving to be too much. I am going to lose my sh&*.