Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thank you Quirky,

His Dad in in his final stages. I feel anxiety and sadness for them. I have a candle burning for him, he will soon be at peace.

cmf x

[CMF]

His dad passed away this evening. We haven't had a chance to speak, just texting. There were visitors all day today at the hospital. I didn't go as I was there yesterday and felt today should be for family. I was going to go to his house tonight but they just got home at 10.15pm. Funeral should be Thursday or Friday. I hope I can get the whole day off, I certainly don't want to have to go back to work afterwards. Friday is my day off normally but I swapped with the other receptionist as her family are scattering her uncles ashes. It is stressing me out, I really hope they don't make it difficult for me as we have several staff still on leave and no one to fill in. I've only been able to text him, he said he'd call later but understandably he's been busy. It's been a very long and difficult couple of days for them.

[CMF]

Well, work was a drainer today. Rec A, whom i used to love working with, totally drained me. I really don't think i can work with her 2 days a week. I may need to change my days and i'm seriously considering changing so i only have to work with her 1 day. She won't cope if she has to work with Rec B 2 days but i cant deal with her anymore. She stressed me out end of last year and she stressed me out today after i had been so relaxed and eager to get back to work. I am so drained. I am also hoping to do extra hours this year if possible but Rec B needs time off and Rec a got all the extra hours. No one's fault as they hesitate to ask me cos of my kids but it peeves me off as she will not swap a day for anyone but will work extra cos she gets paid for it. She is just so selfish and self absorbed.

[CMF]

Tomorrow is M's dads funeral. He has been so busy withvisitors and organising things. I'm so frustrated tonight cos of work today. It's 8.30pm, I'm in bed. I messaged him goodnight, he told me he had more visitors, said goodnight and that was it. He knew she was doing my head in today at work. He didn't questioned n that I was going to bed so early. Not his fault at all but I feel like I'm going to explode and I have no one to talk to.i feel invisible, alone. Funny thing is, M and his friends are good friends with the CEO of the company I work for. I Ol you don't out a couple of months ago how well M knows our CEO. He will probably be at the funeral tomorrow. I haven't met him yet but he knows I work for him and am going out with M. It's bizarre how intertwined M and I are, it's crazy.

i really need a punching bag tonight. I know I won't sleep, too much going on in my mind.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am sorry about M's dad and extend my sympathy you and M.

Seriously I was thinking of actually buying a real punching bag but not sure how much they cost and where I would put it.

I know you were talking metaphorically.

I do hope you manage some sleep.

M as you know would be so busy with visitors and getting ready for the funeral.

Your life and Ms life are really intertwined I did not realise that.

Hope things at work become easier. Does rec A need too much support from you, is that the main problem.

I can understand if she is draining you because that's something you don't need.

Thinking of You and M and his family today.

Quirky

[CMF]

Thank you Quirky,

Sorry for the typos in my last post. I'm surprised it could be understood, I was so tired and upset. It was such a beautiful service today. M read the eulogy and his boys did a reading. There were so many people and I met more family and friends. Since we have been together a few people have told him he should have married me 30 years ago. Chatted to his boss and friend of 30 years and he told me M is very smitten and so happy. He saw M go through all the crap he went through and is happy to see him so happy. M tells me he regrets not marrying me but I guess it wasn't meant to be at the time. I too feel sad for the lost time but am grateful that we have each other now. I met his cousin from interstate and we travelled in the car together today. When we said goodbye she called me 'future cousin'. It warms my heart how his family and friends have accepted me and how happy they are that we are together. I feel as though I have known them the last 30 years. I feel I am where I belong.

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

hiya cm.

that's amazing and so nice to hear, l think it was you l said too way back when you were all down in the dumps , life can change in a second and you just never know what's round the corner, or something like that. And low behold shortly after you bumped into m. l bet you can hardly believe it still huh.

unfortunately my things not looking quite so positive, although we gell and live just so well it's also hard to believe , she also comes with a lottttaaaa quite heavy issues and lately l'm finding l just can't handle them all lifes been hard enough already as it is. sooooo, not holding much faith in it right now tbh . but eh at least someones getting a win round here eh and good for you,

all the best

rx

[CMF]

• Thx rx,Today M and i had planned to spend some time together however i was asked to work as Rec A was away. I was so drained and almost crying on the way to work. I am so drained after yesterday's funeral and have spent no time with M in the last week as he has been understandably busy. I went in a was able to have a chat to our office manager re more hours. I also now find that one of M's friends is our company accountant. All these connections that i did not realise. M never really pointed it all out but pieces are starting to fit together. I don't know why he hasn't told me. Guess it didn't really matter. I'm now starting to work out where all these connections are from, they are more connected than i realised. I feel like me meeting M and he and his friends having connections with the company i work for is overwhelming. M and i say that somewhere 'up there' someone was putting all the pieces in place for us to meet again but seems it wasn't just about M and I. It's about M, my work, his friends, the connections. I feel like part of a big plan, a good plan that the universe was putting into place for me...

[CMF]

I'm a little bit sad. Spent the day with M bust saw him very stressed this arvo. We went out for lunch then popped into his mums as he helped fix the front door. When we got back to his house his 16 yo son had all his lego out again in an attempt to sort it out Apparently his mother pulled it all to pieces one day...and I mean thousands of pieces). A table was set up near the front door and lego was everywhere. Well M lost it. He vented to me later that he is sick of the house being in a mess, boys rooms a mess, they do nothing to help around the house, they answer back...typical teenage boys. M then told me it isn't really about the lego but he has so much prep work to do or work this week and needs to spend at least 4 hours on it tonight. H is so tired. He holds a leadership position at his school, a job no one else wants to do and he has so much pressure on him. He is exhausted and said it is causing him to hate his job. He has taken on the extra role fr 5 years now and he said it is just too much now. His family situation has changed, he is a full time single parent. He gets no break and the whole weekend is spent thinking about what he needs to prepare for the following week. He has just buried his dad, trying to be there for his mum and all the visitors they are still getting plus keep up with work. I encouraged him to talk to his boss about the leadership role being shared and pointed out that it is tough being a single parent. I don't know any dads who have their kids full time, his ex wife hasn't seen the boys since last week for 3 hours...she does nothing. I told him what a great job he is doing, i helped him clean up in the kitchen, cleaned up the boys' lunch dishes which they left in the lounge room. I asked his son if we could put the lego table elsewhere but there really isn't any other room. I suggested shelves in his room for the lego display but M was so distracted. He has so much on his shoulders. Full time work which is like 2 full time jobs with the extra work he has to do, full time dad, kids friends always over, trying to be everything to everyone.

I feel helpless.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

I'm sure just you being there for him listening and sharing the work load helps.

He is lucky to have your support and love. I hope he can learn to say no. Easy to say but so hard to do!

Love Nat