Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Tess,

I did reply but not sure where it went. You're right. I do exclude myself. I'm more of a loner,uncomfortable in groups. I am expecting changes from his side,but not putting in much effort myself. I wouldn't have gone to dinner, but to be considered would've been nice. I never have in nearly 3 years. I know it's cos I have my kids but I've been alone many times. I thought the dinner may have been just for them,but the bf goes. I agree. Relationships are harder as we get older. It's not like we want to marry, buy a house, have kids. We've done all that, so what do we have to work towards? Being together, growing old together. We are in our 50's. I want to know if we are right for each other. I want know what he is really like in his home, with his kids. He sees me in my home with mine. In his home it's him, sis and kids, like a married couple.

Time will tell.

[CMF]

He knows part of his marriage problems were his complacency and lack of emotional support toward his ex. He is right. I feel that too but I know when we talk he makes and effort to be aware, as do I. He couldn't talk to ex, she got defensive and shut him down. Funny that, cos with us he's never brought up anything unless I've probed or after my blow up when he asked, a week later, how I see us living together. So no idea what he tried to bring up with ex, then again, lots of issues back then. Maybe he can't be bothered bringing stuff up with me? Not Important enough? Maybe no issues for him?

Overthinking again:-)

[CMF]

I find everyone is too busy for me. M couldn't come for dinner tonight cos he was busy. My work colleague can't teach me things cos she's too busy. Trying to get a handy man for a few jobs around the house but no one turns up. I'm make sacrifices and do things I don't particularly want to do yet I'm always pushed back/aside while.

I'm over it. I don't know who I am , what I want or where I want to be in life any more. I'm a puppet, just pleasing others.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

Your post has made me sad. You sound so isolated. We all want to be valued and loved by those we love and you are not feeling that at the moment. I have no advice for you except to think about what you really want.

you are a valuable person, with children who love and value you. There is not much more important than that.

I understand wanting to be part of a couple especially as you love this man and the two of you had plans and imagined a future together. It is awful to think about the loss of that.

I have had a similar experience, also with a man who was my love in my early twenties. I won’t bore you with details, but after 5 years the relationship failed. I was devastated but can now see that ,that was actually down to him. He had not changed in all those years and had the same weaknesses and traits he had always had. I am not saying this is the same at all, but I understand the position you are in and how you feel.

you are not a puppet, you are a strong woman who has already made it through some tough life experiences.

You need to take some time and focus on yourself and your needs instead of everybody else’s and seek comfort in the love of your family

all care Tess

[CMF]

Dear Tess, my wise friend,

Yes. I do fear some things may not change as he said they would. I don't want to lose or give up on a wonderful man but I do fear things will fizzle out...if some things don't change. I won't know if things will change unless the big change happens. I don't know what it's like to be with him without sis around all the time. 3 years and I don't really know what it will be like to be with just him (and kids). This is what weighs on my mind. The thought of going there now is too much. I feel I'd be taking backward steps. We are very different, different lives. I have been brought into a beautiful family and I'm rejecting it. He is a little black & white. I like alone time but doesn't mean I want to be alone all the time. Things are not always so black white. He's not a big thinker, doesn't look at bigger picture. When we started dating I asked what time frame he saw us living together. He said 12 months. Nearly 3 years on and it's still a Sunday date. He jumped at his sis buying in and living there. 3 years on he no longer owns his house and she's still there. Not bad for a 'temporary ' move. On a positive, He's fixed up the house and got a new car. At least HIS life is moving forward, even if OURS isn't. He's just going along doing/getting what he wants while I sit and wait for proof things will change when she goes.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

lt's not weird or something you, in needing these things. With such little time together , and even less real time , just some real , and some real life together too, night's together too, mornings, all of it. Anyone would be asking the same things there's really no choice after so long and so little. l'm amazed he isn't wanting and needing these things.

He's a real strange one in those ways no doubt about it.

many hugs, rx

[CMF]

Hi my friend,

Sunday again 😊. We had the chance for alone time but wasn't up for it. I've not been feeling well week. We went for lunch, a movie, did supermarket shopping. Lively day but I'm so down.

Don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't care about anything.

[CMF]

M joked today we could buy 2 townhouses next to each other, we live in 1 our kids in the other. Told him it wouldn't work as his son and my daughter not talking. I said we could buy1 each, he said no, with the price I'd get for my house I could buy both. Maybe he's realised that now his sis owns half his house if they sold he wouldn't have as much.

Who knows.

I feel really down but I know I can't call him cos he will wonder why I'm calling and won't understand, after all we were together today. He didn't question why I didn't feel like intimate time, didn't ask if I was ok. I know that he is being respectful but I guess I just need to accept he's not great at emotional support.

He does try.

[startingnew]

Hey CMF, sorry i havent read back, just wanted to stop in, say hello and ask how your going?

[CMF]

Hi SN my dear friend.

So lovely to see/hear from you. Don't worry about reading back, I've been venting my frustrations alot.

I'm OK, but honestly, very down lately.

How are you going?

Cmf x