DEVASTATED

[Falling_Angel]

Hi i havent been on for a while but im at the end of my tether

im sick of ppl assuming things about my life and then actually making me believe they are honest and true& yet they lie straight to my face especially since i put all my trust in them and thats really hard for me and also,especially since its a obvious misunderstanding on the other persons behalf ????????????????

Im confused,angry ,upset and basically plain devaststed. Why why why ??I try soo hard to please those i care about just to have it slapped in my face... I honestly give up ....!!!!!!!!!!! i really dont think im getting the proper support i need atm and then to have someone close to me run me down and not remember anything ive done for them .. thinkng im just a taker (wow) anyway this person means the world to me and i dont know how to go about working out the problem especially if i feel the replies arent honest omg how did i allow myself to get shattered like this or let myself ....!!and all because of a miscontrude overheard conversation that had nothing to do with this person and also was taken the wrong way,without discussing it with me which would have made it all different omg

anyway guess im asking how do i stop the suicidal thoughts thats are currently and have been for a few days consuming my mind ? i now feel like a noone like ive been put in the same catergory this person sees nearly everyone ? it hurts and im just gob smacked

any suggestions if anyone reads this please?? HELP

[startingnew]

yes FA thats what im saying and i mean at all

i dont know what to do about it im literally just staying away from sharp objects and drawing

the thoughts and planning are strong and ive already SH last night and this morning so ive been avoiding that as well today

i dont know when my next psych appointment is. atm i dont even have one

if it helps you to be on BB and chatting here then please do so. im usually active of a morning and of a night so im usually around and i do enjoy talking to you

i dont know how much longer i can stay strong. i hate living with all this stuff all the time and it hasnt finished yet. i have yet another week of appointments and tests and getting results back.

is this all that life has in store for me

[Falling_Angel]

SN Dear SN, im sure life has a hell of alot more to offer you but atm maybe u need to deal with the past in order to move forward ? what do you think would be of most benefit to you right now? i suggest you follow up on shrink app and tell them u are SH again.....i didnt know u did that ...well i dont think i did my brain is mush, i only just got up and my eyes are twice the size they should be arggg i look horrific 😕 i have been doing the appointments thing for many years now its the only way i have gotten any answer being consistant and not stopping until i was happy with the outcome etc etc ...and still lots for me to do but thats all in good time with the public health system and specialists ............i am worried about you i would like to know more about hpw u feel u dont know who u are anymore ?? has or is BB changing you or has it? so many things ill wait for a reply but im not liking the SH altho i understand it ...i care take care talk soon FAXX-hugs- x

[Falling_Angel]

Denial
There’s not enough colours in the rainbow for me
Not enough stars in the sky...
Not enough hours in the night for me
So I can hide behind the lies
What about the lovers kissing in the park?
What about the dreams that haunt us from the past?
Where are all the answers to the questions I’ve yet to ask?
What is meant to be?
What is inside of me?
What is true and real?
Is it possible to heal?
If there is anymore pain
I will go through it all again
Because that is price
Of living in this life
The anger and the grief
Is no way to live
But that’s my style
Complete Denial

[startingnew]

Will respond soon FA

I just got back from my gp and i have bad news

I dont know if i can come to terms with it

Its really tipping me over the edge- metaphor and im already in the edge. Im standing on the tip of my big toe on one foot trying to balance so i dont tip over cause next step is a plan though ive thought about plans before

I cant even type it on here yet i cant get my fingers to type it

[Sophie_M]

Hi startingnew, we're sorry to hear about the bad news from your GP.

We're very concerned to read your post, and potentially that you are thinking about plans for suicide.  Startingnew, this is extremely serious and we need to urge you to contact appropriate professional support at this time rather than posting on the forums.  

Some support numbers are below:

beyondblue 1300 22 4636
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Lifeline 13 11 14

We will still be here to support you once this immediate crisis has passed.  Once you're safe, please drop another post to let us know how you're doing.

[Falling_Angel]

ok SN ill wait ...im sorry to hear bad news 😞 i really hope you can get the right support for whatever is going on ??

ill be here waiting please take care and take in what Sophie_M has said ...getting thru the immediate crisis is the biggest priority right now

talk soon -hugs- and best wishes i hope u get to reply when you are ready ill be thinking of you FA XX

[startingnew]

Hi sophie_M

i havent come to terms with it but the thoughts of plans have lessened

i just feel weird and unaccepting and sick.

the plans though have passed.

[startingnew]

Hi FA

the thoughts have passed for now

though im not accepting of it

i can type it to you not though im still really unsure and shocked and embarrassed about it

the results of my pap exam came back and its LSIL HPV- the only way i got it was through SA as its a form of STD

at 20 years old i cant believe this. it might get better. i ahve another pelvi exam in 6 months to see if its the same or if its growing. it might heal itself but it will always be in my system now

i have my nurses appointment in the morming so i think ill ask her about it abit more.

im so scared FA and i feel so alone 😞 i cant tell anyone about it either then i have to speak up about my SA and thats not what i want to do.

will respond on my thread about not knowing who i am

yes FA i was SH almost 3 times a day but ive been SH completley free for 2 months until yesterday

[startingnew]

HI FA

thank you for caring

my thoughts have gone for now

i was trying to get out that i have

LSIL HPV

which is the cervical
cells are midly abnormal. It is a HPV infection that may or may not
go away on its own. I have to go for another pap tests in 6 months
and if its grown I have to go to a gynacologist to seek furthur
treatment
even though it may
go away on its own but it will still be in my system
abnormal cells have
been found on te surface of the cervix and at this point its pre
malignant

[startingnew]

are you ok FA?