Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ritchie 31,

Welcome to the community here on the forum. Sometime you may like to start your own thread and have more people respond to how you are feeling. That is certainly not compulsory, we all communicate with each other here as we desire.

I'm sorry to read about your own journey and of your husband's struggles as well. I'd like to suggest you call Beyondblue, talk to your Dr or a counsellor and ask if anyone can offer you some advice on how to explain mental health issues to your children.

My Mum had severe depression and other mental health issues, as a child I certainly did not understand what was going on. Maybe if there had been more open discussion in our home, life may have been different for us all.

When my depression overtakes me, it is as though all of the things I have learnt that are helpful are forgotten, too difficult, or unobtainable. I have made a list of things I can dot hat will help me when I am feeling this way.

Maybe you could make a list with your husband of things that might help him through a rough time. Go for a walk, listen to his favourite music, watch funny animal clips on the computer, go for a drive, to the movies, write down how he is feeling, go for a run etc.

Depending on the age of your children, you may be able to set something like this up for them as well When they are feeling anxious around there Dad, try to make them feel at ease. You may be able to download a set of "Smiley" faces from the computer. I know there are a lot of visual aids used for people with a disability, if your children are young, various "faces" may help them show you how they feel.

Family and friends don't always understand depression. Like I mentioned I don't understand depression and mental health issues even though I have been surrounded by it my whole life and suffer myself.

Maybe you could try to reconnect with one friend, go somewhere for coffee and see what happens.

Like Quirky mentioned, knowing you are not alone can be a huge help!

Cheers for now from Doolhof or Dools

[Redhuta]

Thank you all for sharing it really is helping me at the moment not to feel som alone,

I got through work today which feels like such an accomplishment. My physiologist called me today as I could not get in to see him for 2 weeks and he was trying to schedule me to see him earlier. He knows and my GP how hard its been navigating my husbands depression for me.

I just got an email from my husband apologising and saying he has begun to dispise himself due to the way he has treated me however I feel he is also not seeing the good times and we have had so many. It has not always been dark but I think he is in a remorseful dark place. He just wants to stay away from me however wants to really be involved in helping with our daughters.

[Doolhof]

Hi again,

It is good you were able to get through your day and you have some support.

I'm not sure if you are wanting to get back into a relationship with your husband again or not, and that is totally your decision of course. I would like to suggest, it could help your husband immensely if you were able to share some oft he good memories with him via email.

There are many times in life where we don't even think to thank someone for something or acknowledge how much we appreciate them or a small thing they have done for us.

If you do want to rebuild your relationship, you can start from today. What happened in the past is in the past. We can't change what has already happened. We can make a difference today, tomorrow and the day after.

In time you might be able to suggest you have a coffee with your husband somewhere (if someone can look after the children for you) Or even set up a little get together once the children have gone to bed. Invite your husband over. If you have a garden sit out there.

We all have the opportunity to start our lives over the moment we recognise we can do that!

Cheers again from Dools

[Redhuta]

Thanks Dools,

At this stage I would love to have my old husband back. He was thoughtful,loving and amazing father. Its just as the years went on the demons started to haunt him. He just thought medication was enough and did not stick to therapy. I know it would have made a huge difference. He is starting therapy this Thursday so I hope he find the fight to finally deal with the demons that haunt him. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. He just has to do this on his own and that is what I am dealing with. The fact I have had to let go and the awful guilt for not being able to “help” him anymore.

[Redhuta]

Just wanted to share a quick update. Its been 3 days since he moved out however we are in constant contact due to the kids and just emails and text.

He saw his new physiologist yesterday and I asked how he felt about it. For the first time ever he said he was an amazing guy. Makes me feel so hopeful that he will finally get the help he needs.

I have been very open about how I feel and my support and in return he has been so remorseful and full of self hate which is so upsetting. I keep reminding him has been a wonderful husband/father the majority of the time and not to sell him self short either. He is taking his daughters out individually on the weekend almost like a date each which I am sure is his opportunity to apologise. He told me before he left he wants to apologise to both of them. Its taken this for him to realise the effect its had on them. All progress I think and makes me so hopeful.He is not sharing to much with me as of today so I think ist best for me to back off? I would love advice from those who suffer from depression? I feel its best to let him initiate any conversations at this stage rather than asking and probing.

[Croix]

Dear Redhuta~

Actually he is doing more and being more open than I was when the depression has been really bad. I was locked inside myself, wanted to withdraw from everybody and would not have been able to describe how I was thinking. That being said I was feeling very guilty about what I'd put my family though and thought I should just leave.

I guess you have already got some sort of balance. His not being at home may be enough and you can go on as instinct tells you . My wife could gauge my moods and would stay or back off accordingly. So if your instinct says just at the moment don't probe then go with it.

I'd like to say that this is not the sort of situation where your every word and action has to be just right. It is a longer term thing. If your husband feels you are there for him that is the main thing. Day to day -if he is like me- things will change.

My wife told me later she was very concerned about doing damage, saying the wrong thing or driving me away. From my side those things were not important.

I hope this makes some sort of sense. The short version is I think you are doing just fine, with room for hope, especially good is the fact his psychologist seems to have clicked with him.

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

Maybe organise a "date" with your husband if possible. Allow him to talk about how he is feeling if he brings it up or ask if he would like to discuss it.

Otherwise try and chat about the weather, sport, the neighbours, anything that won't push any buttons. If you are aware of how he is feeling, allow that to dictate how the conversation goes.

Both my husband and I have depression and other mental health issues. My husband doesn't seem to acknowledge or comprehend the "Don't hassle me right now I am about to explode" vibes I send out to him at times, so I really need to spell it out very clearly to him.

Maybe your husband needs a little more time to work out how he feels and how he wants your relationship to be after all that has happened.

Maybe he doesn't know the words to share how he feels with you until he manages to sort some of this out in his own mind. Hopefully the counselling will help him immensely.

Cheers from Dools

[Redhuta]

Thanks for the advice Dools and Croix,

It’s been such a comfort to post in here and not feel so helpless.

I thankfully start seeing my physiologist tomorrow who in the past has been incredibly helpful. He helped me understand so much more and also has helped me with coping strategies.

I have been so busy atwork which has been a blessing in disguise to give me a “break” from this sad situation.

[geoff]

hello Redhunta, I'm sorry I missed your post, but for him to be nice and charming when you're with family must really irritate you and eventually your kids will also pick this up.
After what has already been said I don't need to say much, except to say that yes you need to stick to your guns, you couldn't live with a spouse only by using email, I'm sorry but he has to move out which he is now doing, and when his psychologist feels confident he can return home, then that's a decision you can make, but a suggestion if you are happy without him then leave it that way. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

I know it certainly helps me when I share how I am feeling on this forum. People can come up with amazing thoughts, attitudes, ideas and suggestions that I just hadn't thought of myself.

Keeping busy can help immensely as well, gives our minds a rest from the tough stuff and allows us to refresh in a way.

Wishing you well with the physiologist appointment.

Regarding the emails, there have been times when my husband and I have both been suffering badly from our depression, emails were the only way I could express to him how I was feeling and what I needed from him.

My husband on the other hand is very blunt and to the point and just says things as they are!

Face to face communication can sometimes be hard for a depressed person. Just letting someone know you are thinking of them, or sitting with them not saying anything at all can make a huge difference.

Wishing you all well on this journey.

Cheers from Dools.