Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

e-abyss, wasn't that a freaky movie?

Hi Mary,

Yes I have had posts go there too ... sucks the creativity out of you doesn't it.

I figure the e-abyss must be in the cloud, nobody knows where the cloud is (I lie, I've worked on the cloud hehe).

Hey, maybe we should stash all our negative thoughts in the e-abyss, that way they will never be heard from again!!

Yes, I'm in a strange possibly hysterical place at the moment. I hope the sunshine is bathing you with warmth, while in the comfort of good air conditioning.

< the="" poster="" is="" a="" raving="" nutter="" currently="" out="" of="" control="" and="" off="" his="" meds....="">

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

What a jolly good idea to stash those thoughts in the abyss. As they sink down the increasing pressure would squash them flat and let out all the poison in them. Then in the future when a team of archaeologists excavate the abyss all they would find is the empty husks. 😊

The sunshine has been bathing me very successfully but I have retreated to my first line of defence and switched on the air conditioning.

How is your hysteria going? I hope you have fully recovered by now but it's relaxing to let yourself go for a while. How is your mouse going? Has he been knocking on your window just lately. Maybe he just wants to share your air conditioning.

Been through a hectic week or so, but as Churchill is reputed to have said, "When you're going through hell, keep going". Very sound advice I have found.

How are the couch sessions going, both singly and with your lady wife? Getting lots of inspiration and motivation I hope.

Take great care of yourself dear Mouse.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mary, Mouse and anyone else reading,

Have been wide awake since 2.30 a.m. Seems my AD medication allows me to sleep for 3 to 4 hours and the tablet to help me sleep turns me into a zombie for about 48 hours. I am not sure which is the best option!

Awoke feeling like I was having a heart attack and couldn't breather properly. Not a nice way to wake up.

I was reading on the drug info sheet that if you find you stop breathing or become unconscious to call your Dr immediately or go to the emergency department of the nearest hospital. That cracked me up!

How many unconscious people or those not able to breathe have you known to be able to make a phone call let alone drive to the hospital! Ha. Ha.

A bit like the warning on an iron "Do not iron clothes while wearing clothing".

Back to the bush turkeys, they really are amazing aren't they! I remember coming across one of their nests, it was huge.

Doves seem to make very flimsy nests. It is amazing the eggs can even stay in them let alone the chicks when they hatch.

Hope you are both doing okay. Think I need to get some more sleep!

Cheers from Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Dools

Who writes these labels and instructions? Have to wonder if they are awake at the time. One possible side effect of a medication I was taking was a broken leg. Hhmmm. I read somewhere that a mom had bought her child new swim togs. The label said Do not immerse in water. A bit like the warning on sleeping tablets, may make you drowsy. Sudden thought. Does Do not iron clothes while wearing clothing, mean the clothes you are wearing or not to wear any clothes while ironing?

How are you both going? I know what you mean Dools about sleeping 48 hours and feeling like a zombie. Not sure what the answer is to that.

I have woken up feeling unable to breathe and with chest pains. For me it was a classic panic attack. Not that I was able to realise that immediately. Sitting up and getting my breath back was the first thing. I had several trips to hospital because of this until I finally worked out what was happening. And it is scary. Some of my 'wake-ups' were due to my sleep apnoea when I did actually stop breathing and my brain was frantically telling me to start breathing again.

Well, I am wide awake now and must get organised to start the day.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Found my/our old thread.

Wow, been so long.

Lost job, father died, legal battle, hospitals and medical bills ... yuck.

But have reconnected with family, taking each day as it comes, living in the moment.

Be well and safe everyone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

I am so sorry things have gone so much awry. Was your father's death unexpected? And losing your job as well must have been a dreadful time for you. Medicals bills are always horrendous. I am overjoyed that you reconnected with your family. I knew you had a good relationship with your daughter and opening the family circle is even better.

I read in the other post that you and your wife are getting on better. You can imagine how happy for you I am.Still seeing the same couch?

I have been unwell for several months. Polymyalgia/Fibromyalgia. I gather they are pretty much the same things. Huge levels of inflammation in my body causing lots of pain in various muscles. Then to make things interesting the pain moves from site to site. Took anti-inflammatories and pain relief but this just made me feel sick and dopey. Anyway the inflammation levels are down quite well although not totally gone. Feeling much better and almost normal.

Can I ask what was your legal battle about? Remember I am always curious but I do understand privacy.

The person we were mentioning at times has still not gone to trial. Keeps getting his barrister to make excuses. I am going to his next mention, next week, to find out what is happening. One good thing about the long delay is that I am no longer upset about the whole thing. I still want to know the outcome but it no longer makes me fall over as I did.

Lovely to hear from you even under these sad circumstances.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

Welcome back! I have missed you and your gorgeous picture!

Sorry to read of all your happenings though, especially your Father dying, my sympathies to you.

If you don't mind me asking, are you looking for employment at present, if not then I hope you have the opportunity to rest and recoup.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Thank you, Dad passing was very quick but not unexpected although still a shock. The legal battle is of course because he was a nasty bastard to the end and beyond, leaving a particularily hurtful will. It was the way he led his life, so should not be unexpected. He just treated people so badly, especially my sisters. Now as the oldest surviving male in the family I feel a great need to be the one that keeps everything together, and helps make things right. Yes I keep being told I didn't create the problem but ... sigh.

Yes, when the chips went down we stood back to back against the world, have not had a lot of couch time lately but we are standing firm. It has been tough dealing with everything but very nice to be so close. A lot of fight in the old dogs yet!

Oh my, you poor thing. Sounds like your medical run has not been very good at all. I understand about the anti-inflammatories, I find all drugs problematic. Wonder about the cure being worse than the issue a lot of time. Having a bit of a cleanse at the moment after too much of that stuff. Feeling better for it too.

The legal system moves slowly doesn't it, sad to hear it is dragging on. Our lawyer told us to buckle in for a few years of slow fighting, i find it just amazing but that is what it is I supose. Wow.

Take care and keep the faith lovely lady.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mrs D,

Thank you so much for the welcoming comments, that is very nice of you.

I am seriously looking for work in between balancing way too many other commitments. But I need work for sanity and money, my piggy back won't last forever unfortunately.

Shockingly I am now on the cusp of retirement. Still can't get my head around that concept.

Rest and recoup? what are these concepts of which you speak?!?!? 🙂

All the best.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

Hope you are doing okay. I know what you mean about needing work for your sanity as well as your finances. I'm feeling like I am in a bit of a pickle right now. I have been on a partial temporary disability pension for 6 months, it runs out soon. I'm waiting for Centrelink to contact me to find out what happens next.

Due to my back continuing to deteriate and my mental health issues not at all stable, I am struggling to think of a line of work I can pursue with my limited experience in anything other than aged care and child care.

At present I have three volunteer roles which I enjoy. It is a shame it is not paid work though! I'm just getting a bit confused as to where my future is heading.

Enough about me, I hope you are able to find work and soon. Do you have hobbies and interests that keep you occupied and help with your sense of self worth? Do you have plans for your retirement years when they do arrive?

My Dad was a self employed builder, now at age 80+ he is still doing jobs for people and his family. If he was not able to do some kind of work, I don't know he would survive each day. He is not one to just sit and relax.

Rest and Recoupe, yer, those are things we are supposed to have time to do to help make us feel better! Ha. Ha.

Would be a lot easier at times if we had the money to help us do these things!

Round and round we go. Guess we need to be thankful for the things that we do have hey!

Cheers to you, from Mrs. D.