Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear I don't even know~

Welcome back, I've read your story in:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / G'day from a sad teen
Forums / Young people / Moving Out
Forums / Multicultural experiences / Slight trauma from childhood racism?
Forums / Treatments, health professionals and therapies / Inpatient Care

as well as the sensible advice you have given to such people as Ash_13, Ghostboy, ottom & Cerise547.

These all tell of a person with enormous resilience that has managed to continue on despite constant suicidal matters, hospitalization, racial prejudice, a family that is sometimes not helpful and great pressure from missing schoolwork, something you used to take pride in.

Some people might regard all as being defeats, when in fact they are quite the opposite.You, although wearied and worried about the future, are intelligently looking at ways to foster the healing process , plus assisting others along the way. You have my admiration.

I believe you mentioned having a job as well as school, and that you had lost so much class time you are struggling. Repeating has a penalty, as it wold be 2 years rather than one.

Well my suicidality came in part from pressure, and the stress that results. I found between medication, therapy, hospitalization plus removal of the stressors thngs improved.

May I ask how necessary that job is. I realise you no longer have a scholarship, but could you continue your studies anyway? Also is repeating two years -or getting special outside tuition - a possibility?

Repeating two years does have one advantage. I suspect you would find it a lot less taxing as you would be familiar with some of the curriculum anyway.

When you mentioned your family as a stressor you did not come right out and say they gave you a hard time, is there anyone you can talk to who is 100% on your side, even if they do not understand exactly what is inside your head? I found this to be a great relief, a huge weight shared.

Please come back and tell me what you think

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your kind words.

I have decided to continue with school as I am so close to the end. I am pretty lucky as my school has been helpful in understanding my circumstances and letting me do as little as possible in order to graduate. Despite this, it is still extremely tough, its difficult to get to school most days. Right now is the most stressful time but once its over I should hopefully be okay handling the rest of the year.

I've stopped working as the job position I currently hold is too stressful to return to. I don't know if I'd be alive and coping if I still had to work. I hate relying on others and not working, I'd like to get a new job soon but I'm too mentally unstable. I want to work to get money to move out, travel, attend uni and be more independent.

I can't think of anyone I feel comfortable opening up to at the moment other than my case manager but I can only contact her twice a week max. I did have a boyfriend for a bit that I felt really comfortable with but that ended on not so good terms so I don't want to talk to him anymore. I guess there are people that are on my side but I just can't connect very well. My anxiety stops me most of the time 😞

Thanks for your help 🙂

[Croix]

Dear I don't even know~

You came back wiht some rather good news, not perfect but pretty good anyway. I think giving up the job was a wise move, and if it means you have to rely upon others for a while, OK. Is that a hassle ? You know, resentment you are not pulling your weight or similar? Most people have a built-in like of helping if they can, particularly parents of course.

Sometimes years later the opportunity to pay back arises unexpectedly.I found that with my wife, who looked after me when i was invalided out of my occupation. Many years later I looked after her.

I'm glad your school is so accommodating, would extra tuition help at this stage?

Its a pity your BF did not work out, having someone there does help -as I've found. Still a case-manager can be something, depends on the type you get I guess. Do you find her a help?

Last time we spoke I was on about reducing stress and anxiety, and I suppose I still am, after all it was a big factor in my improvement. Do you think there is more you can do to ease matters. Maybe setting aside fixed hours each day to de-stress by exercise, entertainment or wahtever you think best to take your mind away from school and the plans you want for the future?

While I think of it htere is a very long thread which I've browsed through more than once and found some good ideas (like the app "Smiling Mind" and all sorts of other things.)

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

Talking of going to school do you mind if I ask what is the hardest thing about getting up and going?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I'm glad I don't have to work at the moment but the guilt is hard to handle, especially when those who don't know what's going on assume you're lazy or something along those lines.

My case manager is really good and I get along really well with her, I call or meet with her pretty much everyday she's working, I must be her most annoying client. There is a school counsellor I can see as well but I have to go to school to see her and I can't hang around for too long.

Easing stress was the biggest focus for me in my initial recovery after multiple suicide attempts. For so long I dealt with how I was feeling with distraction, as I felt worse I seemed to put more on my plate until I crashed. While I was in hospital and in another treatment facility I was able to pretty much completely ease all stress. I received treatment and therapy and stuff but I didn't improve much. I couldn't pause my life forever so they slowly eased me back into things and sent me home even though I was not better. Now I'm kinda just stuck in school until I graduate because I can't have any more time off. I can't think of how to ease my stress that much more. I try to keep active and take time for self care and relaxation but I feel like there's only so long I can hold on for. I'll look into that thread for some more different ideas.

At this stage I'm not sure extra tuition would help that much. I'm able to consult teachers if I need extra help which I usually do for maths but for the other subjects its more a matter of getting the motivation and brain power together to do the work. I find school really difficult for me as: it starts pretty early (earlier than most schools) so my body is just too weak sometimes to physically get out of bed, social anxiety loves to hang around with me at school, its a triggering environment for some reason, it doesn't feel like a "safe place", I have to pretend to be okay (which is exhausting), and the stress from school work, other people and everything really can get very overwhelming. My school is accommodating, but lately the stress coming from other people in the school environment has been one of the hardest parts.

Thanks,

idek

[Croix]

Dear Idek

I like your avatar, a semi-colon is just a pause, with more to follow. No bad at all

School seems to have a lot of downsides, including the people there. I found being in a study group helpful, it gave me ideas, it was not a social situation so much as a task-oriented one, and I got and gave help.

Any hope there?

You mentioned 'too weak to get out of bed' Do you mind my asking in what sense, straight physical ailment or feeling hopless or .... ?

My time in hospital has been similar in some ways to yours. It has given me an environment where I was not subject to daily pressure. In fact looking down from a 5th floor window at tiny people scurrying around in their daily lives far below gave me the sense isolation and removal I needed.

It did carry over on discharge if I was sensible and did not go straight back to the old situation.

Did I mention the free phone app Smiling Mind? I've found it excellent, even the 2 minute intro exercise lets me change mental track, a bit of practice I'm afraid but well worth it. Plus you can switch off the horrible background music. My mind 'has a mind of its own' as it were, and this breaks up chains of thought.

You are getting there

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thank you, I was even thinking of getting a semicolon tattoo when I turn 18.

A study group sounds good but all my friends are either genius kids or do completely different subjects. I feel like I'd have nothing to give and be that annoying person they have to drag along.

When I say I'm too weak to get out of bed its usually I feel too exhausted to pick myself out of bed and get ready. Other times I'm really anxious for the day ahead and seek my bed as a barrier to the world or sometimes I'm really sad and can't see any point or hope in getting out of bed.

I felt pretty similar at hospital looking out my window, its quite calming. There weren't too many people I could see but there was a beautiful view of the mountainside which was really nice to look at, especially during sunrise and sunset.

I've tried a few apps like Smiling Mind but I find I ruminate too easily and its still a bit too hard to try and get control of my mind. The apps I've used for my mental health that have helped are Calm and Beyond Now. I was made to use Beyond Now for safety planning and Calm is good for when I'm very anxious or want to self harm. I really like the breathing part of the app as I tend to hyperventilate easily.

Thanks,

idek

[Croix]

Dear Idek~

I can sympathize over getting out of bed, both the hopelessness and the fact it is a barrier. Also simple tiredness after not sleeping. I guess the way I've tried to deal with that is by small steps, like gettng up and just brushing my teeth, a victory of sorts, then things don't seem quite so bad, I could go back to bed but normally it is enough to get me going, no matter how I feel.

I've used Calm, and do use Beyond Now, though I had to have someone help me fill it it, I was terrible at finding things that would give me a lift, needed someone else that knew me. Now I have books and YouTube clips and all-sorts on it.

Did you need help wiht Beyond Now or were you more able to find good thngs to put in?

I can understand the breathing part of Calm is good, I use Smiling Mind becuse I've the concentration of a butterfly and hop all over the place at times, the voice in Smiling Mind keeps me on track.

Can't say I'm sure about a study group, maybe it is a question of not looking at what your friends do but talking with the teacher/lecturer/tutor about what would be best. It might be people you'd never have thought of.

You were taking about no "safe place" at school. I gave up trying to find a physical location, never near enough, or could not get there for some reason or other, so I had help but developed a mental "safe place". It comes from a scene I had as a kid and involves the sea and short grass, wind and rain. I find a quiet place and think of it in great detail, as it was based on a place I really enjoyed it does help.

So what's the plan now, just keep on trying for school?

While I think of it I expect you have been told this umpteen times but thoght I'd mention it just in case. The Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) is good for pretty much anything, they are realistic and understand problems, so to does the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

Both have web-chat if you do not feel like talking over the phone. My apologies if I'm just saying what you already know.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Your point about just getting up and doing something small is good, I realised that works recently as well as I knew I would have to get up for something important so I'd tell myself that I can go back and have a lie down if I get ready early enough, but even if I did achieve this I wouldn't really feel the need to.

I created by Beyond Now plan with a social worker so its pretty good I think. They kind of had to fill in some of it for me that they thought would help because I literally had nothing to put in some of the sections like the reasons to live.

I've never really thought of a mental safe place. Nowhere I ever remember being or can go to would be a happy place so making up one might work. I'll try it out, thanks.

I might look into the study group for next term or maybe uni if I get to it. School has been unbelievably crazy and stressful this week. I had loads of exams and pressure to make decisions for the future which was very anxiety provoking. On top of that a lot of things happened to close friends and some family and for many of them I'm one of their or only "go to" person so that was very difficult to balance with my own mental health and school seemed impossible, but its Friday and I'm alive. Its taken a unwelcome toll on my physical health too, yay. Hopefully it was just a dip in the road to graduation and the rest won't be quite as intense. I'm just going to keep swimming.

I've previously contacted kids helpline and they've been great. I just feel guilty now when I call them as so many other people would benefit from it more than me, I've had years of therapy, I should know how to deal.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hanna~

I noticed you have decided to say your real first name. To me it sounds like we have enough in common to hold conversations that mean something to both of us and are getting more real to each other - I'm afraid you are stuck with Croix -as am I 🙂

This really is a two way thing, just becuse I have a badge actually means very little. I have my hassles the same as most people here (PTSD/depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts plus related physical problems too, so get a very great deal from talking with people such as your self

You might be surprised to know just how much encouragement. You have great difficulties to face -which you do. We have suicidal thoughts in common, though as I said I'm miles better now and am no longer frightened of what I might do. The fact you are dealing with these things helps me to deal with them too.If Hanna can then I can. (I'd imagine a large number of readers of these posts will take something away too

The reasons to live might not be huge "important" things. One of mine is the name of a comedian, another the fact Sumo cat is normally "busy" by my left elbow on his special furry blanket as I write ("busy" is cat talk for having a snooze.)

Sure there are some "important" things like my partner, though when the chips are down it is surprising how the little things can make a big difference.

Even writing down thngs that give you a lift can be difficult when your mood is bleak. I use comedy a lot, and have DVD names and YouTube clips to watch. I tend to hold them in reserve for when I need them and try not to give in to the temptation to watch them other times

You might think these all pretty trivial, OK maybe, but they do make a difference to me when i need it.

You ringing the Kids Help Line is the reason it exists, they believe it is as important to talk with someone repeatedly as with someone who rings once.

You are wrong in thinking you should know how to deal wiht things, this implies you should be able to do that alone - not true. You do cope, and one of the things ways is giving them a ring if you feel the need -this is in fact good intelligent coping and very legitimate.

They are already set up for repeated contact. I'd give anything to have rung a line like that early on, it might have made so much difference. I might have kept my job and not been in hospital instead.

I'm out of space, wanted to talk about a safe place, being the go-to person and of other things too.]

Next time if that's OK

Croix