BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[james1]

In other news, I went to a meet up group for people with anxiety. It was pretty fun actually, but I think I tried to be the happy persona too much. I really struggle with my identity and I definitely found myself being the happy persona and reinforcing it constantly because I felt like it would help put other people at ease and I could keep the conversation flowing so people wouldn't feel pressured to talk. I also noticed I like the people too much and want to just meet up with them again tomorrow and hang out all the time, haha. Utterly disappointing to know it's unrealistic!

[GuestYD]

I totally am thinking the same about giving up dating for a while. It is really an interesting exercise in BPD symptom management, but it's really hard too. Dating is meant to be fun, but I'm finding every aspect stressful and it was a big factor which led to my last admission and that was a single date, not even a proper relationship! I'll chat to my psychologist and psychiatrist this week and see what they have to say...

Oh cool about the meet up group. I am keen to meet some people so want to get involved in activities. I am glad you liked them but also good that you recognise it is unrealistic to see them all the time.

[GuestYD]

Views have changed since this morning. I'm having a great chat at the moment with someone and it's making me feel happy. Even if I don't meet her, it's been an awesome conversation. 🙂

[james1]

Oh that's nice to hear. I wonder, when you start talking to someone are you doing it with the intention of meeting or just to get to know them? I'm always trying to meet in person because I don't really like messaging very much. I also feel like people don't generally want to use these apps to just talk.

[GuestYD]

I think I try to get to know them before making an assessment of whether I'd like to meet them. I would not want to meet up with someone without having a decent conversation online first. So maybe I'm misusing the apps!

LC

[james1]

Nah, it sounds like you're using them properly 😛 I think I just get frustrated with talking online. I'm much more of a face-to-face person. When's your next psych appointment?

I have mine today so I'll probably ask what to do. I'm kind of stuck between not dating and being sad on my own, or dating and being sad when it comes unstuck!

[GuestYD]

I see mine tomorrow. It will be good to see her. My weeks are jammed packed with material for discussion!

I had a bit of a weird feeling yesterday where I went from genuinely thinking I needed to go to emergency on the way home from seeing my best friend to being so happy just chatting to a girl about literature and content with the conversation such that if I don't meet her I don't really mind. I ended up missing my stop and needing to catch public transport in the other direction. The interaction just changed my mood completely. I then could not sleep and was watching TV at 3am with my dog. She was very sweet and a little confused about why we were up but settled down eventually.

LC

[james1]

Ah yeah, I'm chatting to someone at the moment on Tinder. Similar story - I was totally ready to just give up dating and live a life of social reclusion until I gave up, then started chatting and now I'm excited about doing all the things I've been putting off - writing, clarinet, planning Japan, cycling, swimming...yeah.

I almost don't want to go to my psychologist session in an hour lest my bubble gets broken, haha.

[james1]

I also have this constant fear that I'll say something stupid and she'll stop talking, haha. I'm also telling myself that I'm happy to just chat even if just to make a new friend. I'm not sure if it's the truth or not...

[GuestYD]

I hope your session went well. Hmm it's all pretty hard! It's funny how a small interaction can make things feel so much better. I think deep down I want to find someone nice and be in a relationship, but the girl aspect is new to me so I'm sort of gaining confidence in chatting to girls as well.

I feel reasonably safe that my psychologist will keep talking to me. One time she just let me keep talking and I realised she had stopped and it was a bit freaky but she said she was trying to work out whether I was detached or present. I've tried to hide from imagery in the past few weeks. Hopefully I can do it!

LC