Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Another quick one, just to check in and say I was thinking of you and I'm okay. The burnout has really knocked the stuffing out of me these last couple of months, so communicating has been really hard. It's a weird feeling when you want to connect with people and just don't have the spoons to do it. Anyway, I'm still here and I still care. Hoping to catch a breather soon and get some energy back.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

No worries whatsoever Blue. I totally understand. Yes, communication is so difficult when the spoons are used up - in fact, basically impossible. It's really good that you are aware of the burnout and you are doing the self-care rather than trying to push through. 

I am doing okay. At times things are pretty difficult, especially navigating dissociative symptoms, worrying about finances and the future, and just generally trying to function. A lot of parts have emerged in my dissociative system since I last communicated with you about it. There are 11 main ones now, or 12 if you include me. It's particularly confusing figuring out who I am now, because technically all of the parts are me yet they are separate identities. My understanding of myself as having certain traits is now very confused, because those traits are now distributed among the parts (and always were, but I just didn't realise it). I have a sort of idea of myself, and I think I still exist as an identity in my own right and the other parts treat me as such. I guess I am sort of like a container for the parts, I think 🤔 The woman I did some counselling with in 2016, who had both autism and DID, described herself as a container for her parts. I knew she had DID back then, but I had no idea whatsoever that it applied to me. I only had three sessions with her before she was diagnosed with the return of her cancer, but perhaps we would have unearthed it if I'd kept working with her. At that time I was focused on trying to figure out the autistic parts of myself. The incidence of DID is higher in the autistic population, which is interesting. Originally I thought I had OSDD but it is looking more like DID now.

Anyway, no need to reply to my ramblings. I do hope that you and hubby can find some restful times amongst the various things you have been doing. Take good care and sending you much warmth and kind hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

I know you understand what it's like. It can be kinda depressing when you want to connect with people in your life but just don't have the energy to manage it. You're right, though, self-care comes first. It's best to take a time out and regroup as needed.

Matters of finance and future are always a bugbear, aren't they? I can relate. Sounds like you're going through a period of significant change in your mental health at the moment, and have a lot to navigate. I'm not surprised you're grappling a bit with understanding your identity, with so many alters emerging. It does seem like DID rather than OSDD at this point, doesn't it? I didn't know DID was more common in autistic people, though I can't say it's surprising, given it's relationship with trauma and how we autistic people experience an awful lot of trauma and for various reasons (a prominent one being a significant lack of social/emotional support), struggle to process it. Take care of yourself while you process all this, it must be very draining.

The appointments have subsided, and we are taking a week to just breathe and rest before the week-end, on which we have a social engagement. There are many birds breeding in our yard at the moment, and we are taking much comfort and joy in the fledglings.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I'm glad you and hubby are able to take a week to just breathe with the appointments subsiding. It's sometimes when things subside that we realise how much we've been pushing ourselves to keep going. It's lovely you have many birds breeding in your yard at the moment, and that you are taking much comfort and joy in the fledgelings. It's just lovely to see isn't it. Once again this year the wattlebirds have decided to strip bits of nylon thread off the line on my washing line to use as nesting material. Gradually my washing line is looking more and more threadbare. I've become philosophical about it because my attempts at distraction and protection of the washing line by wrapping up the frayed bits to stop them pecking at it hasn't worked. So instead I think well at least I am helping local birds with nesting material.

I have come to the conclusion in recent days that what I'm dealing with is definitely DID rather than OSDD. The amnesia and switching in my past and present is becoming so much more obvious to me now. I listened to a great podcast with a woman on SANE's People Like You podcast, and her experience of DID mirrored so much of my experience, including drastic changes in handwriting in childhood (e.g. very neat to very messy and back again), having to try to complete a household task a ridiculous number of times because of repeat amnesia and confusion, and suddenly waking up to the fact that at particular times someone else is running your body now (something she can pick up from her dogs by changes in their behaviour because they can recognise when she has switched). Yesterday I realised I had three fronting at once, all young ones. In DID this is called co-fronting. I tend not to realise it is happening until it already has, if that makes sense. Those 3 have higher energy levels than I usually do, and also respond differently to caffeine. That is one of the most fascinating things about DID - different alters actually have different biochemistry and physiology. The whole thing is kind of mind-blowing, and I'm discovering a lot of new things every day at the moment. It is exhausting at times, but I am finding my way through it and it is making sense of my whole life now.

I hope you are really enjoying having a restful week and that you have a lovely social engagement on the weekend. Take good care and kind thoughts and hugs to you, ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. It's been a bit of a revolving door, some weeks are quiet, others are overloaded. Whenever it's quiet I kind of slump in a heap, I definitely do push myself pretty hard to manage the unavoidable tasks, and there really are too many of those. The birds are wonderful, and with the mild Spring there have been so many babies this year. Oh dear, no luck with duct tape on the washing line? Nylon probably isn't the safest nesting material for them, but sometimes you can't stop wildlife from doing what they're gonna do.

It's certainly sounding like it. I can relate to trying to complete household tasks a bunch of times - that's the ADHD awful memory and distractability for me - but I hear what you're saying, it's a whole different kettle of fish with DID. I remember watching an interview Anthony Padilla did with some people with DID, one of them said he'd gotten into the habit of texting himself with what his destination was when he drove somewhere, so if another alter took over, they'd know where they were going. It must be pretty disorienting and perhaps scary feeling like someone else is piloting the ship, so to speak. I didn't know co-fronting was a thing (or forgot, if I did know), that sounds like something that could become pretty chaotic. Didn't know alters could respond differently to stimuli like caffeine, either. It's a whole lot to deal with for you. I hope all this new knowledge is helping you navigate life with a greater sense of peace and wholeness.

It's been a while, I don't offhand remember what social engagement I had, but I haven't had any bad ones recently, so I guess it was good, haha. It's been a quieter than usual December, my birthday has come and gone, and since they're no longer in my life, this year I didn't have to worry about my brother's, or Mum's baptism anniversary (both within a couple of days of my birthday). It was actually a huge relief not to have my day tied to anyone else's or the obligations that came with those, it was just mine. And it was a pretty good day up until my friend triggered the hell out of me and ruined the evening. Sigh. In better news, we have contacted the bird adoption agency and told them we're ready to adopt. It may be a while before we find the right bird for us, but the wheels are in motion.

Hubby and I are having a quiet Christmas at home, no family gatherings or obligations, just some nice peaceful time together. Tomorrow he will be staying with a friend, and I'll have some time to myself to watch all the new Stranger Things episodes, which I'm really looking forward to. Hope your Christmas is going okay, and you're doing it your way, and feeling at peace.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.