Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

Grief and loss are so painful and it's very understandable feeling the absence of Mr Feisty as well as the resurfacing of grief for Sir Pecks. It is good to write out how you feel as you have done here. Do you find you and hubby can share your feelings together about them? Sometimes just talking and perhaps having a good cry can help, though I know everyone is different and there is no one way to process grief.

I am not perhaps the best person to guide someone else emotionally right now as I've had nearly 5 weeks of being intensely flooded by past trauma because of the effects of EMDR which really didn't go well for me. But due to severe panic and fear being present I've had to try to find ways to self-soothe. I don't know if it would help for you, but I found some containment exercises developed by Peter Levine to be helpful for me. They are for trauma but could be used for other states such as grief and anxiety where the emotions feel overwhelming. There is a YouTube channel where he explains two techniques entitled: "Treating Trauma: 2 Ways to Help Clients Feel Safe, with Peter Levine". They are ways of holding the self to help with the feelings and emotions. You basically continue until you feel a shift in the body.

Please ignore if that's not helpful, but it's the main thing I can think of at the moment as it is one of only a few things that have helped me. Actually, another has been listening to icaros which are traditional Amazonian healing songs. I find them very stilling, calming, soothing and nurturing. One I have recently found helpful can be found on YouTube entitled: "Inin Paenben (icaro)". It's on the channel of The White Arrow. I find the icaro goes into the heart and soothes from there.

Take good care Blue and kind thoughts to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Very much so. I have to balance the writing of these things, as for a while I was delving too deep and never having a break from how I feel. It's been a lot. Yes, hubby and I talk about it, the tears have been daily. Everywhere we look there are reminders of where Mr Feisty should be and no longer is. The empty spot where he used to eat on the coffee table with us, the papers on the floor under his favourite perches, the everyday items he liked to play with. Even the washing on the hangers, he used to sit on it and make little messes, I'd have to wash at least one item from every load a second time before we got to wear it. And all of it made us smile and love him even more. We miss him so much. We're still his parents, but we can't take care of him any more, and that is such an awful, empty feeling.

I'm sorry to hear that EMDR has gone so badly for you. I've heard a lot of good things about it, even done some EMDR exercises at home (not on anything too traumatic) myself, which I have found helpful, but I gather the results can be quite mixed with C-PTSD. I would guess that especially with the bits you don't remember, what it brings up could be quite unpredictable. Thanks for the suggestions of containment exercises, I'll look into those - it's not irrelevant that they are meant for trauma, the overwhelm of grief has certainly made me more vulnerable to my many trauma triggers and depression. It's an ugly cocktail.

I'm glad you're finding some things helpful and soothing. Music can speak to us in ways that words alone cannot. 

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I feel for you so much. Not having Mr Feisty there to care of would be so hard. I think there is something in most or many of us that wants to nurture. We are evolved to connect and when we lose a meaningful relationship it’s so difficult and heartbreaking. But it’s also something special to be able to love and it’s a sign of that great depth of love that you and hubby have that you can feel the loss of Mr Feisty so much. I hope sharing some memories of him is helping and I’m sure there are many delightful and funny ones to reminisce about.

I had a day of deep depression and grief myself. It really hit me from early afternoon. It’s too many things to even explain affecting me. I’m in the city at the moment and I did a photo walk with my camera to distract myself as best I could. I’m just suffering such loneliness and isolation. I start to cry as I type this because I’m not sure how to keep existing in such isolation. I’ll see someone I know for a short time and then I’m alone again. Most of my life is totally alone. But I have to push on and keep going somehow.

Yes, music can be a very helpful thing. I might try to listen to something to feel a bit better. We have had lots of lovely rain here which is wonderful and much needed.

Take care Blue. Warm hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Yeah, it's been honestly pretty horrific. Mr Feisty is part of everything. Part of me, part of hubby, part of our relationship. We instinctively make space for him in everything, but he isn't there. I feel very purposeless without him. That's the hard part of loving so wholeheartedly, it opens you up to so much pain when the one you love is gone. Yes, it does help sharing memories of our little ones. There are definitely a lot of joyful and funny moments to recall with them both. Sir Pecks pooping in hubby's cup of tea. Mr Feisty flinging first one, then the other of hubby's socks off the tallboy into the bin, and looking very pleased with himself. They were so full of adorable and full of mischief.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough day. I know you're going through a difficult period at the moment, the sense of isolation and painful feelings are bound to be escalated by the resurgence of traumatic memories. Your nervous system may be struggling to differentiate the past and the present. I remember you telling me you felt accepted and at ease with the friends you have in the city. That you didn't feel as isolated there. Even when you are not directly in the presence of others, perhaps you are not as alone as you are feeling right now - connection is there, and I hope you know you have it here, too. Reciprocal care that is safe and accessible when you need to reach out. Remember to breathe, and remember you are here in the now.

I think music gets past that analytical space of processing emotions and words. It speaks to the body more than the mind, presumably why music and humming and singing are so involved in somatic healing. Dancing, too. We need rhythm and movement. We've been having plenty of rain here, too, making up for the drier than usual Summer and Autumn we had. The garden is looking good. I hope there are natural spaces accessible to you, to enjoy the growth of the season.

Kind thoughts and comforting hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Blue,

Those are funny stories about Sir Pecks and Mr Feisty. I know there must be a very big gap now without them there. As you say, they are part of you and hubby and your relationship. Yes, loving so wholeheartedly has those two sides, doesn’t it. It would be good if we could turn a dial up or down for how strongly we feel, but it isn’t possible really. But grief can at least shift and change over time. I think when it’s able to be processed in time it begins to integrate somehow. It’s just such a tough journey along the way.

After 5 weeks of intense fear my brain and nervous system have moved into severe depression. It’s not like any depression I’ve had before. I think my system has pendulated from one extreme to the other. It’s a real battle to keep existing. I saw the liver specialist this afternoon and tonight I’m at a town south of the city as I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive home yet. I’m near the ocean and I can hear it rolling in outside. I’m going to stay here two nights as potentially severe thunderstorms are forecast tomorrow and I think it might be better to do that.

Music is very powerful in its potential to heal. Next week I’m doing a healing session with a woman trained in traditional Amazonian healing songs, like the one I mentioned above. It’s something that’s helped me quite profoundly before and the best thing I could think of to transform the state I’m in. I really don’t like EMDR on so many levels, but one thing that bothers me about the technique itself is that it’s clinical, rote and procedural. Whereas something like healing songs being sung to you comes from the heart and is full of soul. I know the second option is the kind of approach that works for me and can be effective and gentle at the same time. Music is, as you say, a form of somatic healing and it reaches into us below a lot of our mental stuff.

It’s great you have the lovely rain. We’ve been getting it here too.

Take care and kind thoughts and comforting hugs to you too 🤗

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

There are so many little stories like that, they were always up to something, bringing so much life and laughter to our home. The absence is huge, there is such a feeling of hollowness there where our little ones should be. My depression has found the weakness it's been looking for for so long and has launched a full scale attack, it's been rough, and hubby is full of worry for me. Crashing down from all that love and happiness with Mr Feisty has been a big fall. Acceptance of his death is a way off at this point, it just feels so lonely without him on my shoulder. Tough journey indeed.

I understand, I imagine you're exhausted and overwhelmed. Things that have fed into my own depression time and time again, albeit with different causes, I know them well. Has the fear itself eased at all? I understand the struggle to keep existing, I'm feeling a bit of that myself. But I'm also hearing you seeing the specialist, taking care not to drive when you don't feel up to it, choosing not to drive in storms - you're showing up for yourself. In my experience, doing that may not register emotionally in the moment, but it can catch up with you, knowing someone (you) had your back when you needed it. There's power in that.

I hope the healing session is helpful for you. It's very clear that EMDR isn't right for you, and it's okay to step back from that. My understanding in layman's terms is that it works a bit like dreaming, pulling in associated thoughts to process and "file away" memories instead of living in them, which could be incredibly confronting if it pulls strings of traumatic events together by association. One really needs to be well prepared for what might come up and how to manage the fallout - given the things you've said even to me, I wonder at your therapist's thinking, trying EMDR with you. I wouldn't have thought you were a good candidate for it with the complexity of your trauma and dissociation. Somatic therapies, on the other hand, connect with sensations and don't ask us to remember things in quite the same way. There is more room to tease things out gently, I think, which seems to be more what you need. That said, I'm sorry you've had the experience you had with EMDR.

We've had a break in the rain and a couple of nice, sunny days, which I'm thankful for. Back to rain soon, so I'll be making the most of it while I can.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

Yes, the loss and grief for Mr Feisty would be a foothold for the depression. It truly is the hardest thing, that feeling of loss. I think going gently as you can and finding ways to nurture yourself can help. It might be thinking of some nice activities each day that you enjoy doing that are peaceful and attainable. I don’t know if this would help you, but I have found being out in the elements in nature can help. So even though there were rain showers coming through yesterday, I went down to the ocean and felt the wind on my face and that somehow helped. It made me feel alive and a bit more connected to myself and the world. It transformed a little of how I felt, even though it couldn’t cure it. But it can be a reminder of what feeling better feels like. I totally understand that acceptance is a way off and it’s just getting through each day at the moment isn’t it.

I’m still getting the surges of fear but the dominant state of the last few days has been severe depression. Yes, I’m trying to have my own back and hang onto a self-preservation instinct. I’m also having to keep looking for answers and finding ways to advocate for myself.

EMDR does seem to have an association with the dream state. One of the side effects I’ve had on and off over almost six weeks has been involuntary rapidly flickering eyelids and eyes. This can go on for half an hour to several hours at a time. I can go to bed with it and wake up with it. It was very unnerving at first, but I think it is like REM sleep but experiencing it while awake. My brain is definitely still trying to reprocess. It never stops feeling strange. I just hope the reprocessing may do something good eventually and I can feel normal again. I emailed my therapist last night actually expressing more of my concerns about the lack of preparation and consultation, including not following the protocols of resourcing and informed consent. I need to express those things to assert what my needs are as a client. You are absolutely correct, that somatic therapies like Somatic Experiencing are far more sensitive, safer and attuned to someone like me.

Enjoy the break in the weather. I hope you have some lovely days of sunshine. I imagine the world feels fresher after all the rain and often the sunny days that follow can be lovely. A big rain system has just started to come over here again just now.

Take care and hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Very much so. Not just loss, but the loss of our child - the one whose needs were our responsibility, and foremost in our minds and hearts at all times, and still are. We could protect him from pretty much anything except his own body, but it still feels like such a huge failing as a parent. We couldn't protect him in the end, and he is gone. That loss hits me every morning when I wake up and he doesn't squeak to come and be with us. It hits me when I make breakfast, and I don't get to feed him any more. It hits me in so many ways throughout the day, in all the things we would share with him, the moments we would have spent just holding him or playing with him. I want my son back more than anything.

We do what we can to take care of ourselves. Playing games together, going out in the back yard (which is decent as nature time goes). It's still a struggle, because Mr Feisty would have been part of all of that. I'd take him out in the sun sometimes, he'd snuggle on my shoulder while I was gaming. You name it, he was part of it, always. It's hard not to feel like everything is empty when he was there for it and now he is not. Yeah, acceptance is a long way off.

Neither of those things is good. I'm thankful you have your back, you are hands down the most important person to have on your side. Looking for answers and advocating for yourself is a big part of that.

My little bit of experience with it has had some parallels to the dream state, through associated thoughts and feelings - not the imagery side of it, given my hypophantasia. The flickering eyelids side-effect sounds really disorienting. Has that been reducing at all? I sincerely hope you come back to a place of more peace and normalcy again (that is, to what is normal for you). I'm so sorry you have been so ill-treated by yet another therapist, treating you with EMDR without adequate preparation, consultation, resourcing or informed consent... wildly irresponsible at best, deliberately harmful at worst. Has anything come of your e-mail about this stuff, if you don't mind me asking? In terms of self-advocacy, I hope you can in future step back and say no or at least delay any new therapies you don't fully understand until you have all the information you need and feel sufficiently confident to proceed. Your safety comes first. That said, I'm glad you have been finding Somatic Experiencing safer and more helpful. It's a mixed bag for me, I am not used to feeling my way through things in such a way, and have to pick my moments with care. EMDR is in some ways more cerebral and not wholly unsuited to me (again, done with great care, and at this time wholly directed by myself at home).

The patch of sunshine was nice. It's been grey and rainy again, but even so not super cold (averaging around 16 degrees), so I've been continuing to spend time in the garden when it's not too rainy. My parsley plant is loving it, and the others I planted are showing slower but healthy growth. 

Peace and stabilising hugs for you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

That feeling of not being able to protect a loved one is so difficult. I totally understand wanting him back and all those cues that remind you of your daily care and interaction with him. Does it help still to chat to him like he is there? I actually catch myself out doing this in relation to one of the dogs I used to live with, as if she is still there. It must be therapeutic for me to do this at some level. I'm not sure if that helps or not with Mr Feisty. I did it with my mum after she died because her death was very sudden even though she had been dealing with health issues for a long time. I was caring for her in the 11 months beforehand in her home. I also felt powerless to protect her from her what her body did in the end and I know it feels awful. I think you do eventually start getting to a point where you feel kinder to yourself about that, but I totally get that feeling of not being able to protect. It is good that you and hubby are doing what you can to try to feel a bit better, but, yes, it's so hard.

That's interesting about the dream state and thoughts and feelings. It does seem to do unusual things in the brain. I'm aware how the hypophantasia is quite common in autism. I don't have that in that my brain does produce a lot of visuals and has done more so over time. It started to happen a lot when I went to sound healing sessions in the form of waking dreams in an altered consciousness state, and it has really happened a lot with the brain changes I have experienced in perimenopause. The eye flickering thing from the EMDR has sort of stopped, though until a couple of days ago I still had a weird feeling of activity behind my eyes and in my forehead. The eyes are a bit funny again right now as I type this and the vision in my left eye has changed with a whole lot of large floaters moving across my vision in that eye now. It makes it hard looking at the computer screen as I type this. It has undoubtedly caused some brain injury-type effects.

When I allowed myself to get angry and write an assertive email to my therapist, she did respond by saying I should express anger towards her and not internalise it, and that she would hold space for that anger. It has been so hard to move forward. She ended up offering me 3 free sessions going forward and I did one of those yesterday. I thought I'd moved past my anger but I'm not sure if I have now. The lack of informed consent still really bothers me and she has still not given an explanation for that. She tried telling me yesterday that another client she sees with Dissociative Identity Disorder is fine with EMDR, but that sort of left me feeling invalidated again with my experience. The reason I went along with the EMDR when she suddenly suggested it in the middle of a session was partly linked to my complex trauma fawn/compliance response (very typical behaviour in C-PTSD which she should have been aware of) combined with basically trusting that she wouldn't proceed with something that was potentially harmful. But I soon discovered afterwards she did not follow the safety protocols including the preparation and resourcing that are meant to be a part of all EMDR, but are especially crucial where complex trauma and dissociation are present. Also, neurodivergence is an issue and those on the autism spectrum can be impacted differently because of sensory issues. All of the above applied to me but none of it was taken into account. She has acknowledged now that my neurodivergent brain was more vulnerable and she has apologised for not giving me more information and time to reflect on the EMDR beforehand.

Yes, you are right, the EMDR is more cerebral compared to Somatic Experiencing. EMDR is very much a brain/memory thing. I do think one of the challenges with Somatic Experiencing for autistic people is being asked things like "where do you feel that in your body?" That one has often been hard for me. I think it is partly my dissociation but I think it can also be an autistic difficulty with interoception - being able to feel/sense into the body. So it has always felt very difficult for me to find language for that when my therapist has asked me, though it has enabled me to build a bit of capacity over time to sense what is happening in my body a bit better. I imagine by self-directing with the EMDR at home you can work more safely within your window of tolerance. I was pushed severely out of my window of tolerance, not at the time it was administered, but from 3 hours afterwards. I stayed in extreme fear for 6 weeks and the past couple of weeks have been strong bouts of depression with residual fear.

It's lovely you have been spending time in the garden. It's nice having both patches of sunshine but also the lovely growth from the rain.

You take care and comforting hugs to you too,

ER