Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

But they wouldn't be oddballs, if they were the norm...

[lookingforme]

Unless the population was small enough for every single person to be unique. Even the person who thinks the thinks "normally" (obviously not based on this town but based on the average town, would be a radical thinker.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Imagine the discord. The place would be burning in no time, with all those different opinions.

[lookingforme]

Haha, yea. All I took from chemistry was that nature tends toward chaos anyway. Why not let it 😉

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Ah, chaos theory. Works for me. I did reply to that last big post, by the way, but it's back on the last page... That said, I'm just impressed one of my big posts turned up on the same day I wrote it!

[lookingforme]

Yea, just trying to settle on a drama or something. I actually haven't had the concentration to watch something in a while. So this may have been a fruitless endeavor.

Ahaha, I have the biggest, stupidest smile at your little evil game with your brother.

Ah, you know teenage kids aren't the best people in the world. Poor guy was quiet all the time. Plus, he didn't speak English well, he was just learning it. I remember making an effort but he remained quiet and I thought I'd let the guy be.

That's a lot of songs, I'll be sure to check 'em out when I am in that frame of mind of trying new things.

I'm just imaging this bird bath being like a country club, and you've got your graceful one there in her element, bathing away, and plop comes the other one creating a wave which rustles the first one. I like animals, or other animals, better than humans anyway,

When I was growing up we used to have two dogs. One of them was devoted to me (not the fluffball). This one was really scruffy, and lazy, and the fluffball loved her and hated her at the same time. Anyway, she used to hide when it was her bath time. I will say she was more street smart than book smart. Invariably, she would always be hiding in my room under my bed. I would always walk in casually calling her name, talking out loud wondering where she was. She would be absolutely still except every time I spoke she would wag her tail and it would hit the wooden bed frame. It was hilarious. She thought she was doing such a good job of hiding too.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Drama, eh? I think they have Vikings on there. Good historical drama. Though I know what you mean about having trouble focusing even on TV. I have a tendency to get distracted and wander off, on a regular basis. At least, I do that when I'm at home or on my own. With my other half, or watching stuff at my sister's, I don't have quite the same trouble.

I do love messing with my brother. Used to have a pair of pink corduroy pants I'd wear out and about to embarrass him, too. If you're gonna get ugly hand-me-downs, may as well have some fun with 'em.

No rush on the songs. I know the list is long: I get a bit excited when someone's actually interested in my music. Doesn't happen often, it's typically written off as weird ****.

It wasn't a country club, I'm afraid. Except for the little two who were from the same nest, the birds always stayed separate. My youngest is quite feisty and bigger than his brother, so I can't let them out at the same time and they have their own baths. I do love watching them bathe, and they both like to sit on me and preen, after. The ex tells me at least one of his two has started bathing in his hands, now. I'm a bit jealous, as they weren't doing that yet when they were still with me. And yeah, I like beasties far better than I like humans, too.

Your dog sounds fun. We always had dogs and lots of cats, when I was growing up. I remember one time hanging out with a friend on the farm (I grew up on a farm, if I haven't mentioned it), and she found some very old duck eggs in the pen. When I say old, we hadn't had ducks in years. Thankfully she was a lousy aim because she decided to throw them at me... but my dog decided it might be fun to roll in them, when he found them. He stank so bad, we made a run for the house to get away from him, and were inside looking out the window when Dad got home and hopped out of the car, to be greeted by one excited and very smelly pup. The look on his face was priceless.

[lookingforme]

I think I'm all caught up on Vikings actually. Or maybe there's one more season which won't be on Netflix just yet. I actually just go blank. I have to keep repeating stuff.

Haha, oh gosh. Pink corduroy.

Excitement is good. It's positive. I had this music teacher in school, not the one who came home, who used to use money as incentive for competition. He introduced us to this branch of music from the continent of Africa. I can't remember which tribe or what country. It sounded like iron nails grinding on a chalk board, Just scratching away with no real count to it. And he had an awesome sound system and he loved to play it loudly. That is my baseline for weird ****. Everything else is just normal in comparison.

Beasties are much better. Your birds have adopted loony toon type caharacteristics in my head. It's brilliant. She was fun. Yea, dogs like to roll in weird stuff. It's crazy. They're supposed to have this powerful smelling bu my gosh...if we think it stinks...what's the big draw? I can't wait to get my own animal.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Like Game of Thrones, it's a good show in spite of the excessive nudity. I'm as randy as anyone, but seriously, if I wanna watch porn, I'll watch porn. It's not meant to be mixed with stories... Er, excuse the rant.

I know what you mean about going blank. On my bad days I have a lot of trouble with that, too. Just can't concentrate. Thankfully getting better for that sort of thing. Hopefully with a little less pressure and as the side-effects from your meds ease up you'll be able to focus better.

Yeah, I still threaten to wear pink cords sometimes. 🙂

Okay, that teacher of yours raised the bar on weird ****. Clearly I need to try harder. 😛 (I did get a chuckle out of your tale, there.)

Yeah, my birdies have big personalities. Definitely big enough to make a good cartoon out of. I was just telling Sherie on her thread about the young one's war on puddles. He does what I call his Sumo stomp on them, a spirited jump, landing with legs a bit splayed, then he pecks them, stomps again, and pecks some more. It's great to watch. It's like he's affronted by the puddle's existence.

Dunno what's up with dogs. Such lovely creatures, but they've got funny ideas about what constitutes cologne...

I think having a beastie in your life would do you the world of good. You clearly have a great affinity for them. I won't use the word pet, as that denotes ownership and I hate how people think of animals as property. When I say my birds, I think of it more as my family or my children.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Aaaaand, we're back to the disappearing post game. Watch this space. Or something.