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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

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Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

2,088 Replies 2,088

Blue, iโ€™m Sorry you have sprained your thumb. Itโ€™s amazing how much you realise the need for such a small part of our anatomy. It must make work extra hard.

Having to leave the sorting is annoying, but, like most things, it will happen eventually, once you are healed.

What led me back to church Blue, was reading a book that scared the ๐Ÿ’ฉout of me. Iโ€™ll be careful from now on, on both accounts. It just sets you back a bit, or a lot. Itโ€™s done now, and Iโ€™m wiser.๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ I guess living through levels of hell here on this planet, releases most fears of the eternal stuff. Gotta find a positive somewhere.๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

Iโ€™ve had a day of trying to put up kitchen net curtains. Not as simple as it looks, specially with hands that donโ€™t work like they used to. They look good, and give me some privacy.

Iโ€™m guessing you are in the middle of your long work stretch. I hope itโ€™s going ok enough.

My girl is chewing on a pug ear as we speak. One of her favs. All is quiet.

Pat for birdies, hi for LM, and a piping hot coffee coming your way . โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ

Croix, I will be delighted to rub shoulders with the elect. No, it wasnโ€™t me saying I wasnโ€™t posting till after the 30th. I couldnโ€™t keep quiet for that long. Take care of yourself. โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ

Thanks, Wilma. It's been a damn nuisance. I know thumbs are useful, but you're right that you get a whole new perspective on just how useful when you can't use one. It's just a bit stiff now, so not too bad at work. It very helpfully stopped me doing anything I wanted to on my days off, though. Typical.

It's the eventually that irks me. So much in my life is delayed because of money or logistics and various other factors - doing a bit of grunt work around home to make the environment more livable is the one thing I can generally do without needing help or having to wait much. This is doing my head in.

Oh dear, what kind of book gave you such a fright? (If you don't mind me asking.) Yes, a setback, and one from which you can learn. The problem with contemplating the eternal is it's all conjecture, there's no knowing what is true and what isn't until we get there. My thought is it's best to live well according to one's conscience and what will be will be.

Nice. I have lace curtains up in my house (everywhere except the kitchen, couldn't get the right length and I'm not much of a seamstress for resolving that). One of the first things I did when I moved in was replace all the curtains and blinds, makes quite a difference to the feel of a place. Sorry your hands are making it difficult to hang them, though.

Yes, into the long stretch now. It's been a very busy week-end and I'm exhausted. Boss keeps prematurely wandering off with my helpers. Not happy about that - all well and good the shopping is done, but who takes it out when I'm on break? Oh. Me, huh? Bugger the break, then. Any wonder my back is cactus by the time I finish every day.

Cheers for the coffee, very much in the mood for one after that shift. Puffballs send a song. Hot chocolate coming your way, and another pig's ear for your loyal companion.

Blue, Iโ€™m pleased your thumb is healing. Very annoying all the hindrance it causes.

Iโ€™m wondering if your long stretch is over, and you have some off time at home. Maybe a sprained thumb allows for some needed rest. Imposed rest. I hope you can still manage a few computer games.

The book was given to me for Christmas, and pretty much gave the eternal lost message. I donโ€™t know why it affected me so fearfully, I think that has some past roots coming to the surface. I bought some pruning tools from Bunnings, so Iโ€™m doing a good job of tearing them out now. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘

Bummer about your boss taking you helping hands, and expecting you to work through your break, itโ€™s a tough employment Blue.

Pink blossom, itโ€™s budding everywhere. ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ Also some bulbs coming through the ground now. I have some spinach and silver beets in, plus mulch. Ready for summer in the front.

Its going to be a quiet day here today. I did an inside clean yesterday. It feels good, as it was chaos this time yesterday.

The big bug is looking very scary in parts of our country. No end in sight. Itโ€™s a tough year.

Iโ€™m leaving a hot chocolate this morning Blue. Take care. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ

Thanks. Yeah, I'm getting increasingly frustrated with things getting in the way of making any progress with jobs at home.

Not quite done with the long stretch. Thumb is mostly okay at this point, I'm quite sick of imposed rest, it's too hard to relax knowing the few things I could have done in the time I had have been forbidden, that the mess continues piling up around me with no chance of doing a damn thing about it. It is wearing away the piffling bit of peace of mind I had. I hate my Goddamn job and everything it takes from me (after all, where else would I have hurt myself?).

A trigger, then. Something you have recognised for what it is, and started trying to weed out. Have you spoken with your counsellor about it?

Yeah, I'm sick of that happening, and I'm sick of everything else about work. I'd be glad never to lay eyes on the place again, at this point.

Bloosoms and bulbs and vegetables are good. I'm glad you're getting some enjoyment in nature, it's very important. Glad also you got some cleaning done. It really does help get your head right, and it's exactly the sort of thing I want to be doing for myself.

Yeah, Victoria is a mess, and the Victorians are constantly buggering off into other states with or without consent, making it worse for everyone. Not impressed.

Hot chocolate sounds good. Kind thoughts and a hot water bottle to you.

I hate what your job does to you Blue. I know there are no answers, bills need paying, and food on the table. Itโ€™s unfair.

Iโ€™m glad your thumb is feeling better, hopefully, it stays that way.

I understand the need to get things around home in some kind of working order, itโ€™s important mentally as well as physically. And how it plays on your mind, when you canโ€™t get it done. Have you had any time in nature at all ? I remember you used to go for nature walks to find a bit of peace. That might be impossible at the moment though, with work and an unwell partner. But might be worth a thought.

Yes, counsellor and I have been talking this through from the beginning. She never dampens any of my adventures, but always softens the fall. She doesnโ€™t have any belief personally, but respects those held by others. I have been puzzled by that, as she is the most spiritual person I know. Her roots are respect and kindness. What more do we need !๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

I had a Drs appointment yesterday, and had a bit of time before it. I actually looked for a coffee plunger, but didnโ€™t find one. At least I remembered this time. Iโ€™ll find one some day.

I think our days are warming up Blue, 15 today. โ˜€๏ธโ˜€๏ธ Still frosty mornings though.

I hope your long stretch is over Blue. Iโ€™m even hoping for the weekend off for you. Dropping off a coffee and hotty, just in case You nights are still freezing. โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ

Not much energy to talk today, Wilma. My partner got the call Saturday night for his surgery. They whisked him away quickly and began the procedure within hours. He is through it, and still with us, but there is a hard road ahead after such a huge operation.

Oh Blue, Iโ€™m a bit stuck as what to say. This is huge. Itโ€™s a wonder you even managed a reply, Thankyou for that.

Just do what you can, no need to reply at all. I will drop off some โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ and ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

I will be thinking of you both Blue. I know this is a really stressful time. Please take care. ๐Ÿ’™

Leaving some strong coffee Blue. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ Thinking of you, hoping you are doing ok enough.

Thanks, Wilma. He's still alive, and is as well as can be expected. Covid means very restricted visiting hours. One hour per day, one person per day. Mother in law is pushing to be that person every single day, she is really showing her true colours right now. Not what I need with all this, and not what my partner needs. I haven't been able to see him today, except by video call, at least the nurses helped me that much. I'm not doing well.

Oh no Blue, mother in law problems.๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™

You are right, this isnโ€™t what you need right now. But she should be thinking of his needs more than her own at the moment. You are the one he needs right now Blue, and you need him.

Thank goodness for technology ( sometimes). I really hope this works itself out Blue. In the meantime, lots of ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ Incoming.