Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I understand how you were already feeling betrayed and why the accidental use of the wrong pronoun was so triggering. I know that can feel like a physical blow and it really hurts. I think on any mental health forum there are going to be vulnerable people, each with their own specific triggers, and sooner or later people will trigger one another as everyone is struggling. I also really get wanting to protect Little Blue. It would have been so difficult for Little Blue not knowing what they were while knowing who they were not, and the holding space of the family you were in was not able to support and nurture Little Blue's identity. I also hear what you are saying about the misogyny and that being labelled a girl in your family did not have good associations. I think things are beginning to change in society today with at least some parents being open and aware in a way that supports a non-binary child, though there is still far to go too and I'm sure many children are still living through the confusion of existing in a world that isn't seeing them. I recently saw an Australian Story episode (Out in the Open) about the family of film director Sophie Hyde whose child is non-binary. Just seeing the love and acceptance Sophie and her husband have for their child and how they have grown into a young person who seems connected and secure in themselves is really encouraging. I know that for you, you are having to do the work of that care and acceptance that was missing. It is quite a major task but you are doing a wonderful job with Little Blue, nurturing and protecting them. I hope you are finding as many good supports as you can on that journey, such as with your psych, and also any of the spaces that you have found that support your experience.

Our own gender identity remains confused in the sense that myself writing this (ER) understands myself as female, while T understands himself as male. T is suffering severe depression and it is at times untenable. The other day I put on a more feminine shirt to go out, but we were blended and he had been prominent in the body since waking up. He was beyond despondent. I realised I couldn't wear what I was wearing and put a black t-shirt on instead. The physical and emotional relief in him was unbelievable. We have to negotiate like this everyday, trying to work out how to balance several identities, often wanting and needing different things. As T is the most distraught at the moment, I follow what he needs. I am hoping he will front when we see our psych on Friday as he needs the most help right now. Each part has been on their own parallel path, like trains on separate tracks, but as our dissociative system becomes more self-aware we have to collaborate. Four parts including myself carry early sexual trauma that has been pushing through in visceral somatic flashbacks since our system came into consciousness and the dissociative amnesia started to break, while other parts like T do not identify with the sexual trauma, though he's gradually becoming aware of it while remaining largely dissociated from it. T's main trauma is physical and verbal/emotional abuse. His primary role is to survive, try to mitigate against danger and protect Charlie who was also oblivious to the sexual trauma until recently. We wanted to protect her from it but she knows now and she went into severe depression as well. Our toddler, A, does carry the sexual trauma along with myself and two adult male parts. The two male parts, D1 and D2, were incredibly helpful to me in supporting Charlie in the best way possible that you would a 9 year old becoming aware of what happened. I can only care for A for short periods as it's too viscerally overwhelming, so we have an internal matriarch who is her primary carer who brings her to me to hold now and then. I literally experience this as real, even though I know it's in my/our mind's eye, if that makes any sense.

Thank you for seeing us and recognising Charlie and T's experiences, and we hope you know that we see and really value you and Little Blue. You deserve to live the life you want to, unencumbered by the damaging restrictions and judgements of the past. We are trying to do this as well. I think one thing about having an identity that is outside the so-called "normative", is that we get to have whole different perspectives and have creative ways of thinking and being. I have realised that within our dissociative system that this perspective-taking and creativity is our strength and healing, and I am sure Blue that so much strength, wisdom, insight, creativity and healing lies in your identity experience as well.

Thank you for the hugs and kind thoughts and hugs to you as well,

ER and Team

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER and Team,

I'm going to keep it fairly brief today, as I'm pretty worn out. Hubby and I are also in the process of planning for a short getaway this week, the first actual holiday we have had in several years! With that in mind, I want to acknowledge that I've read what you said, and that I want to to respond properly when I have more time and energy to give your words the consideration and care they deserve. For now I just want to say I see what you're all dealing with and how complicated and difficult it is - no-one should ever have to go through what you have or what is happening now. That said, you're doing amazing work with your system and I see so much love and care for everyone's well-being. I hear you about the pain of A's experience especially, it's heartbreaking. If you don't mind me asking, does care for A sometimes look like (you or your internal matriarch) crawling on the floor or playing with a toddler's toy to build safe memories alongside the hard ones? I've been finding that a useful way to engage with Little Blue, letting them have treats or playing cards with them and stuff, so they have parental experiences with me that offset the awful stuff from the rubbish parents we started life with. It in no way erases the truth of our past, but it does give an important counterpoint to it and shows them that safety does exist, and what it looks like.

I had a chat with Little Blue after answering your last message, and the main take-away from that conversation was them saying "I want Charlie to be okay". I guess they really related to Charlie's gender identity story and similar age. Little Blue is around 5 or 6, though has "future memories" a bit.

I may not be able to talk much for about a week, but I'm thinking of you, and sending strength and warmth to all of you, and gentle encouragement to do little things that give you pockets of time out from all the heavy lifting you're doing. 

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue (of various sizes).

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue (of various sizes),

That's lovely you and hubby are getting away for a holiday. I have found even short breaks away can have a profoundly restorative effect.

With A, yes, there is internal care that happens. I've done things like take her down by the river and show her the pelicans. While in Melbourne I could really sense her on the train and that she was enjoying looking out the window at everything. When she first came through in the system she was listless and severely traumatised. It was very full on to deal with. But she has brightened up a lot and we as a whole system protect her, with S2 her main carer. I'm calling people by their initials because I feel weird about exposing all of my system's identities on an online forum, but T shared Charlie's name as a way of connecting with your experience with Little Blue. That is so lovely that you give Blue treats and play cards with them. Most people with DID who I've learned about do things with and for their littles, such as getting them stuffed toys or treats, or giving them time for their hobbies and interests. But I think all people can benefit from connecting with the young versions of themselves. I watch the show Bluey with Charlie which is fun! I also do nature walks with her as she really loves nature.

Thank you to Little Blue for their kind thoughts and words. That means a lot to Charlie. Charlie sends good wishes to Little Blue. Charlie is very shy and quiet. When she first came into full consciousness in the system she was mute for a while. She did eventually speak though and it became clear she was aware of and already knew myself, T, R, B and D2. She was initially also blended up with C2, another little in the system. Before that I just understood her as my inner child. I do understand what you are saying about "future memories". I particularly sense something like that in our 14 year old, B, who actually first consciously emerged as a middle-aged man, then seemed to settle at 27 before sliding down to 14. Sometimes he has been 11 but is mostly 14.

I won't be here for the rest of the week either as I am spending the rest of this week working on mapping our system. We are working out how we all fit together and looking to the strengths we have going forward. We want to complete the mapping before seeing our psych on Friday and we know it will take a lot of energy. Thank you for your kind words and wishing you and hubby a really lovely holiday.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

ER & Team

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER & Team,

Thanks. It was mixed - restorative in some ways, and pretty exhausting in others - I interacted with humans in a few days more than I normally would in a month. That said, the room was lovely, we had a balcony view over the river and a cheeky bottle of complimentary wine so we got to sit and eat and drink and watch birds, which was lovely. Of course the highlight of the holiday was the birds, and our time in the national park (basically, more birds, + lizards and flowers). We were welcomed the first night by a kookaburra on our balcony, which was delightful. I even got to have a swim in the hotel's pool. I've missed swimming.

I'm glad to hear of the things you and the team do with A, to help her feel at ease and safer. I can imagine how full on it must have been at first. Having protection and gentle, safe experiences are clearly doing the world of good. Totally reasonable that you want to keep their names private as a general rule. Little Blue and I appreciate the trust re sharing Charlie's name. Would you rather I refer to her as C from here on out, just so her name can slip into old messages other people aren't that likely to read, as we continue to talk? Engaging with the younger parts of us just seems like a good thing to do, to me - so I completely agree everyone can benefit from it. It made me smile reading about the stuff that you do with C. I hang out in the forest with Little Blue sometimes, they love it.

No problem! Aw, thanks. Sounds like quite a journey, I'm glad she has opened up a little. Little Blue can be reserved, but when comfortable is talkative and very forthright. Shines quite the spotlight on my childhood, without the layers of adult nonsense on top. Glad the idea of future memories makes some sense; they have glimpses of stuff up to teenage years. Things from later than that they can remember but it's more like they witnessed it than lived it. I hear what you're saying about B, I'm sure learning a lot about how multiple personalities work! It's funny how complicated these experiences are, I think most people would be quite perplexed by our conversation.

Oh, that sounds like quite the undertaking. How did the mapping go? I seem to recall you were hoping T would front during your psych session, to work through some stuff. Any luck with that? No problem, and thanks. We did have a lovely holiday.

I have some wonderful news to share, which has a lot to do with me taking so long to get back to you. We have finally adopted a bird! We found the most perfect little angel, who is settling in and bonding so well with us. Just for the forum, I shall call them Fugl (we don't know their sex yet). This past week with Fugl has been the happiest in a long, long time, we're totally in love with our baby.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue(s).

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue(s),

That sounds so lovely, having the balcony view over the river and enjoying a bottle of wine while watching the birds. Having that time in a national park with the birds, lizards and flowers would be such a healing, restorative thing. It's like a form of immersion. Having the much more frequent interactions with others would be exhausting, but I'm glad it was offset by the peaceful surrounds of nature and getting a chance to "just be". You've had a lot going on for a long time, so just getting away and not having to think about all that stuff is so great.

Yes, gentle, safe things are important for our system. I have realised feeling safe is key to recovery and we look to ways to provide that for one another. With Charlie, yes, calling her C would be good I think. Thank you for thinking of her in that way. As weird as it may sound, they are very real and present for me and I do want to protect their identities. There is actually another C (another little girl whose name starts with the same letter). So Charlie is C1 and the other girl is C2.

C2 was split off from C1 and became the compartmentalised girl who was hidden and could not be seen as our mother could not accept her. Unlike C1 who has a quiet nature, C2 is quite feisty, hyperactive and overtly spirited. C1 is also spirited in her own way, but that spirit was repressed and she keeps it quietly to herself. When you mention Little Blue being reserved, yet talkative and forthright when comfortable, they sound like a mix of C1 and C2 in my system. While C1 is reserved, C2 is definitely not reserved and quite forthright. But she has come out very little over the years as she was so marginalised. I'm glad that Little Blue can shine that spotlight on your childhood. It's amazing what they show us and it's so helpful to have their input. And, yes, I'm sure some people reading this would be quite perplexed 🤔

The mapping has turned out a way slower process than expected. I thought I could do them all fairly quickly. However, I've found after mapping one identity, which uses so much energy, I then need time to reflect and digest the insights I gain from understanding their role in the system. Mapping them is psychoactive in a way, leading them to go into their own processing and self-reflection. In that session with my psych, T actually was quiet and didn't want to come out. But that's ok. I've learned to trust the system. He wasn't able to speak and was in a contemplative state. At the moment he is almost like in a gestational phase of forming a new self as he tries to move from old programming into new ways of being. So he's sort of semi-dormant but still around.

That is such wonderful news about Fugl! I find that a really cute name. I am just so happy for you and hubby to have a little feathered family member again. It's so lovely they are settling in and bonding so well. It really sounds like a loving and joyful time 💖 I look forward to hearing about life and adventures with Fugl 🙂

Sending kind thoughts and hugs to you too,

ER & Co.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER & Co,

It was great (and the wine was really quite good, a nice red blend). Aside from our kookaburra friend, there were eagles wheeling overhead and swallows putting on a show both of the nights we were there. We were almost shut down in our desire to visit a national park, the one we aimed for was closed because of water over the roads, but we ended up going 50 or so km out of our way to a different one, and I'm so glad we did. We spotted an egret by the river there. Yeah, the peopling was a lot, but was offset somewhat by the really comfortable room and view, not having to clean much and getting to be in nature. It was a good time out. That said, we did come home and very soon after adopted Fugl, and both said "Holiday was nice. Being home with Fugl is better!".

Yup, safety is kinda the No. 1 part of healing, I think. The vast majority of the healing I have done is in the last 3-4 years, in which I've been able to climb out of the pile of toxic family/work/friendships, and my safety has grown. Clearly you're finding much the same, and I'm so glad your inner system is working together for that safety. No worries, C1 it is. It doesn't sound weird to me at all, I feel the same about Little Blue, and I don't have a truly split personality the way you do. I feel much the same about my D&D characters, too. They have a kind of life of their own, they deserve to be protected. That is to say, I understand. I may take a little bit to get used to there being a C1 and a C2, but I'll get there, for them!

Oh boy, I feel for C2, I well remember being the invisible kid, too. I'm sure you see a familiar fiestiness in me as a result! From what you've described, Little Blue and C2 have a lot in common. In Little Blue, being reserved is a space for observation and assessment rather than being repressed. I'm sorry C2 doesn't feel able to come out, really - trust is hard after neglect. She'll no doubt want a lot of autonomy and space to choose for herself how to relate to the rest of you, which I'm sure you know. Thanks. No doubt C1, C2 and the others are shining some lights for you, too. I kind of like having a space and a conversation that not everyone will understand. Feels special and important.

Ah, sounds like the mapping is a much more detailed process than I initially thought. Fair that you need time to process the insights you gain, looking closely at yourself and your system is bound to shine its own lights. Certainly does for me. Having a whole bunch of identities all going into self-reflection at once sounds exhausting, it's no surprise you need time. I'm glad to hear you say you trust the system and that you are content to give T room to do the processing and growing he needs to. I hope that this period of change is a positive one for him.

Thanks! Fugl is the name of a bird simulator game, in which you can become bird-versions of other animals. I thought it'd be a nice pseudonym for them, as they're so like a puppy one minute, or a cat the next, and scurrying like a rat the next. They're like all the animals! Of course there will always be huge Mr Feisty and Sir Pecks shaped holes in our hearts, but Fugl is making their own Fugl-shaped space whilst also reminding us of happy memories with their brothers at times. There's been a different level of processing of our grief alongside our joy since Fugl joined our family. The hurt of missing their brothers and the other challenges of life are still there, but it all seems so much more manageable with a little bird to love and care for. We are bird parents, and everything else comes second.

Kind thoughts and hugs!

Blue(s).

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Blue(s),

I'm so glad it was great and that you enjoyed the wine. How wonderful to have those various birds. I find swallows so incredible the way they speed around. They also make the sweetest little chattering noises. And seeing eagles is so majestic. Kookaburras to me are full of character. They almost seem unreal, like they were drawn as a cartoon character first and then came to life. I'm glad you still got that time in a national park and it's lovely you saw an egret. Having a really comfortable room and nice view is relaxing too, and I'm glad those various things offset the people exposure. It's especially lovely that you are so delightfully happy with Fugl and that being home with them is even better than the holiday! Dear Fugl 💖

Don't worry about trying to completely understand the idiosyncrasies of my system. I know it's a lot for others to comprehend. C1 and C2 are two different identities with different names that just start with the same letter. C2 consists of the part of self that split off from C1 that would have been things like self-confidence, assertiveness etc. Those things were not allowed to flourish at all, so my brain shut them away. C2 was not just invisible but largely dormant. She rarely fronted at all the whole time we were growing up as it wasn't safe. In a way she was protected by that though because she was profoundly compartmentalised from the trauma that was endured by C1. Then from age 5 C1 was semi-protected by T, but if T collapsed due to overwhelming triggers, C1 would be exposed, left fronting in the body all alone. The whole thing was just automated. Yes, it's nice to be able to talk with you about these things which is not possible in most spaces.

Yes, mapping is very involved. Just the act of doing it involves opening a Pandora's box of emotions and memories. T is very intensely processing at the moment. He was fronting when we saw our psych this morning and cried pretty much all the way through. But it's a good thing as he is learning to be vulnerable instead of relentlessly masking, and our psych was so kind and supportive with him. He was locked in the body but I was just co-conscious enough to be aware of what was happening.

Oh, cool about Fugl's name! They sound like such a character. It's amazing how the presence of a new being to love can help with grief processing. I feel that is really important when it comes to grief. It's amazing how healing new connections can be. While it doesn't completely solve everything, it can be a real turning point in the experience of grief. Mr Feisty and Sir Pecks will always be dearly missed loved ones, but it sounds like Fugl is really someone who will help shift the nature of those difficult emotions over time and is really bringing joy back into your lives.

Hugs and kind thoughts!

ER and everyone at this end.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Her ER & Co.,

Thanks. It was nice to be out of the house and able to have a drink - I don't drink at all if I'm driving, and going out always means I am the driver. Swallows are wonderfully graceful little birds. I agree about their little sounds, they are very cute. Don't think I've ever seen so many eagles on the same day. You have a point about kookaburras, I think because they have such big heads and little tails, they don't look like they should be able to stay upright. Yeah, I'm certainly glad we decided it was worth going out of our way a bit, the main thing we wanted from our holiday was nature time. It's certainly good to be home and in an active parental role again. I can't say there haven't been any challenges with adjusting to life with Fugl, but it's so worth it. We got to celebrate Non-binary Parents' Day together this year. I only discovered it was a thing last year, some weeks after it had already passed by.

Oh, I have no problem with the complex abstract concepts of your system, it's literally just similar names/shorthands that trip me up a bit. Go figure. It's really tragic for both C1 and C2, everything they endured, it's unsurprising they both struggle so much. No-one should go through what you have all been through. I'm glad I can give you a space to discuss this stuff and be understood. It's good for me too, as my own experience of fragmentation isn't widely understood, either.

This week I've started a bit of a dialogue with Teenage Blue (whom we shall call M, as they aren't nuts about being identified by their age, and requested another name). Little Blue seems more settled and comfortable, so M has been demanding an audience. Some difficult but necessary conversations have arisen - M is very angry and cynical, and does not pull punches.

That makes sense, I guess not so different from inner child work, things come up that have been compartmentalised in one way or another, only it's more literal for you. I'm glad T was able to be present and vulnerable - all the more so that your psych was kind and supportive, for him to be safe in that moment of openness. It must be very disorienting to be in the back seat of your own body. Makes me glad you've said you trust your system.

They're so tiny, but have so much personality. Definitely. It was very much Mr Feisty who got us through after Sir Pecks passed, this little angel who needed us present and functioning, and connected. So, not necessarily new connections, but deep and loving connections. I think it's so important that everything Sir Pecks and Mr Feisty taught us about being parents and being better people has somewhere to be put into practice, that Fugl can benefit from what they gave us, and can teach us more besides. There was a beautiful moment when I showed Fugl a picture of Mr Feisty, and they pecked his beak, like they were giving him a kiss, it was very sweet. Joy is slowly returning to us.

Hope this has been coherent, I'm answering on my phone while sitting through a very tedious medical appointment for hubby, and the interface for typing on here on the phone is frankly awful. 

Kind thoughts and hugs, 

Blue(s). 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue(s),

That's great you got to experience Non-binary Parents' Day. Yes, I imagine there are some adjustments with a new little bird to care for. But, as you say, so worth it.

Thank you, it is meaningful to have a place to discuss plurality which is such a closed and misunderstood subject in the wider society generally. That will eventually change I think, especially with various podcasts out there now and other sources being increasingly publicly available. I recently eventually found a new doctor in a town a bit over an hour away who seems genuinely trauma-informed. Based on my other recent experience with doctor searches I chose not to disclose DID this time. I just said a dissociative disorder along with complex PTSD. But I think she guessed that I'm plural and asked if I wanted to be known by my given name which would normally be an unusual question, but not for a plural person. I have a sense she is pretty aware and intuitive so there are aware people out there even if it's still rare at present. I imagine you have had to go through a lot with various practitioners still not getting or recognising non-binary. I've noticed recently on intake forms, such as the recent doctor one, that non-binary was an option in the online drop down menu, so it's at least increasingly being factored into healthcare.

That's really good you've been able to start a dialogue with M. It's interesting how M has come forward as Little Blue is more settled. It's kind of an organic thing, isn't it. I find my system moves like that. Often when I finally feel like I'm getting a break from another part's challenges, I'm just beginning to rest when yet another part starts going through a crisis or has needs. It can feel really exhausting at times. It sounds like you've had some challenging but potentially constructive conversations with M.

Being in the back seat of the body is a strange feeling. It's really like an out of body experience. Our 14 year old has a particularly strong way of taking over the body and is sometimes saying things where I am like "Noooo, I'm not sure that's a wise thing to say!", but I have no way of reaching him. Sometimes he takes over with complete amnesia, especially with his love of photo editing, and I only realise later or the next day what happened during that time.

That's so lovely that Fugl is benefiting from your experience of looking after Sir Pecks and Mr Feisty, and you are learning from Fugl too. And it's so sweet that Fugl gave a little peck/kiss to Mr Feisty's photo.

I'm having an extremely difficult time at the moment because I was compelled to disclose an issue in the strata property I live in when I became aware of it, as it is required by law. But some other people are not happy and it has led to bullying and intimidation. I am a categorically honest person, sometimes something I feel is linked with me being somewhere on the autism spectrum, though not formally diagnosed. I know categorical honesty and autism are often understood to go together. However, such honesty does not always go down so well with others. I see an issue from a literal perspective whereas others often see the same issue from a manipulative perspective (e.g. how they can benefit or not from the way information is used, with less emphasis on honesty). Do you find it a struggle being an honest person in a world where that is not always a value held by others? I just don't know what to do when other people are not literal and honest and it creates a lot of stress and confusion for me.

Anyway, I'm so glad joy is finally returning to your family. Kind thoughts and hugs to you too,

ER+

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER+ (what a great way to put it!),

Thanks, it was pretty special to have that with Fugl. Oh yeah, big adjustments. As much as we are used to caring for birds, Fugl is a different breed to either of their brothers, so has a totally different diet and temperament. There has been a lot of learning required and some tricky stuff to work through, but Fugl is wonderful and beautiful and perfect, so worth all of it. We feel so lucky to have this little angel to love.

No worries, I totally agree. I can only hope you're right. Glad you found a trauma-informed doctor, I wouldn't even know where to start with that, I have been searching over 20 years for a vaguely competent one let alone anything that specific and the results have been less than promising. So yeah, I haven't even tried to broach anything gender-related with doctors, they can't even manage to take my chronic health problems seriously, there's not much hope of anything that nuanced! It's repeat scripts, maybe a referral, and that's all they're good for, for me - not worth the effort beyond that, they consistently make things worse. Interesting your new doc asked if you want to use a different name. That said, I notice a lot of intake forms include a "preferred name" section. In a trauma-informed practice, plurality may be taken into account, but also preferred names may be relevant to gender or trauma around those who gave you the name, there are a range of considerations.

I think this is all part of trauma processing. Whether it's different parts/identities or just memories/aspects of the trauma, there's always something jumping up and down at us wanting attention when there's half a moment of safety. It's like the brain goes "Oh, we're not in survival mode today, let's do this thing" - and of course we're not ready for it, we need a break for five minutes! But the part/memory/etc. has been waiting for years to be heard and really doesn't care if we need a break, it wants to be heard now! I only had the one direct conversation with M so far, they've been kind of lurking in the background urging me to eat junk food mostly, haha. I'm feeling the cynicism and the disappointment and the anger and the stymied idealism from them, though, low level buzzing in the background. I don't always know how to hold it, but I'm trying.

Oh, that takeover must be terribly jarring. Are you able to talk to him when he's in a calmer place and not dominant to negotiate how to move in the world when he wants to come forward? If that's even slightly how that can work.

It helps to think of it that way. I feel like Fugl has a bit of a connection/relationship with Mr Feisty, even if it was based on just that one meaningful moment. Though the funny thing is Fugl is a lot more similar to Sir Pecks in personality.

Sorry to hear you're struggling with bullying at home, that's really rough. I think what you're talking about with autism and honesty largely comes from a strong sense of justice (most of us have been subject to far too much injustice, so that's hardly surprising) and a very literal reading of rules and laws coupled with the expectation of severe punishment for not following them, as has been experienced. I'd be hesitant to categorise different relationships with honesty as inherently or deliberately manipulative, though. Maybe in the case you're dealing with now, if something is being hidden for bad reasons. Lies come up for a lot of reasons though - safety and survival figure highly on that list, especially for autistic people (masking being the primary example - it may not all be deliberate, but it sure is an obfuscation of truth). White lies to avoid hurting someone's feelings, lies of omission, being too exhausted to navigate someone's bad behaviour around a truth one knows they won't like. Various other things. I believe honesty is the best policy as a general rule, but I can't say I adhere to it without exception, I have my doubts that it's even possible.

Thanks. 🙂 Kind thoughts and hugs, as always,

Blue(s).