Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[meercat]

Hi Ggrand. How are u. What breed r ur dogs. I have a little white shihtsu with cute caramel ears.

Feeling sorry for yourself.? No. Did we invite MIs into our lives?

Anxiety and depression puts a brake on my life. When i get the bipolar highs, those times when i can do "anything"..i do get a lot of spring cleaning done.but then the lows reappear.

I have a few ways of getting through this dark tunnel..some may work for you..

* try to keep house very tidy. I need to do this..when im depressed i cannot see (i go almost blind).

* A few meals in the freezer helps. And well stocked cupboards. I never know what day depression will knock on my door.

How does it affect you?

* i used to write lists..i cant remember where i put them. Bipolar affects my memory, or is it old age. i write "to do's" on small cards cut up from boxes and throw them away when the task is completed. Sometimes the todo's are as simple as "brush teeth with toothbrush" find brush on vanity.

Yes, life gets that simple.

*exercise is good..not easy when ur depressed tho. fitbit watch tells me its time to go, drink more water, walk more steps.

*try to have a reason to walk..i live where new houses are being built..i pass by to have a stickybeak.

* drink LOTS of water 8 cups/day

* a good diet helps too..LOTS of fruits n vegs.

IF its all too much i just curl up and go to sleep..i know this fog will pass soon!

meercat xx

[Ggrand]

Hi Sara and Meercat,

Thank you for the squishy hug Sara. So needed it..

Meercat my brain is a magnet and the fog is magnetic I can't ever see it separating

I go out shopping on Tuesdays after my volunteer day at vinnie's 9 out of 10 times i walk in the shop and straight out again, I can't do even shopping because I will have to walk around the aisles then go out the check outs and the operators always want to chat. I can't chat back because my anxiety gets to me and I start to panick and have even had a few meltdowns poor check out operators didn't know what to do..then i feel ashamed; embarrassed and leave the shop in tears it's simply that I'm afraid of face to face conversation. I won't go for walks because of that reason plus I'm afraid to walk by myself and my 2 dogs run around my backyard plenty of exercise for them. I'll take option 3 and curl up under the bed covers all day sorry if I come accross a bit frustrated but I'm so sick of me..

[Ggrand]

Hello,

I haven't posted here for a while.

A lot of finding out who I was/am has opened up since the son I had adopted out found me.

My whole ugly life has been tormenting me now for a couple of months, my past, which I kept hidden away for years resurfaced when my son contacted me, sending me into a dark place, that I cannot get out of,.

I have over the past month been surfing the forums so to say, been trying to get support, seeking out some help, for some reason ,maybe it's me I don't know but when I come here to seek advise my post sits dormant for a long time without any reply, I don't blame anyone as I have seen how busy you all are, and also how amazing you all are. It just that I need to put this here in my thread, I really don't want to upset DB,WK and the OTHERS by the way that I keep falling down, It's just that I don't want to dissapoint anyone. DB and WK , and a few OTHERS have pulled me up, a number of times then they say they are proud of me, which makes me feel guilty when I go back down, Since my physiatrist visit Thursday, I've been really in the pits big time, I feel guilty because they tried so hard, and I really don't want to let them down, really don't want them to know how far down I am, they have a lot of faith in me, I don't,

Im not good at expressing myself. I start going up, then db, and other people on the forums say they are proud of me, then I go back down a day or so later, it's pulling others down also on his thread, and I start feeling guilty, like I'm only wasting there time, I feel guilty that I can't stay ok. I'm really sorry for that.

I just needed to say that and get it out, it's been eating at me for a week or so now.

GG.

[white knight]

Hi gg

This forum is a special place. I'v never even read one post from any other forum on mental health let alone join one.

Its special because there is no obligation nor expectations. We might praise you one day and you fall down the next, thats to be expected. We dont get disappointed due to that at all. In fact I expect it due to damage in our minds.

Relish on your good days, survive your bad days and eventually progress will be noticable. For me it used to be 5 good days 5 bad, now 3 months good 2-10 days bad.

There is no reason for feeling guilty granny. Its your mind as you have that huge guilt issue. It took me a long time to rid myself from guilt 80%...it was worth the wait.

The greatest factor in removing guilt was writing my life story. Once I did that I gave a copy to my sister and she said it filled a lot of holes she never knew about. She also forgave me for the friction I caused when younger.

Everytime I had a down period I'd document it.

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hi WH,

thank you for talking to me, I seem to be having 1 good day out of 5 bad days, Wake up one day feeling near what normal should be, then the next day and days feeling really bad. I can't handle it anymore.

GG.

[quirkywords]

GG

I have not seen this thread before.

I am sorry you are in a bad place.

You know you are cared for here and I think about how you are coping.

One good day is better than no good days but I know having a good day then 5 bad days is very unsettling.

I think you express yourself very well, openly and honestly.

You are not letting anyone down, you are trying your best.

I have so much guilt that I am trying to deal with.

It is great you are so truthful, that is a very good skill to have.

You are letting no-one down or wasting any time. As soon as I see your post I reply to it.

You don't need to apologise here. I know because I over apologise a lot.

You are very sensitive and feel things deeply. You have people trying to help you and it may take time. WK has helpful ideas.

Sending you a hug,

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hi Quirky & Whitknight,

Thank you Quirky,

Yeah I'm always apologising, Things just eat away at me if I don't. Quirky, yes feeling guilty is a terrible feeling to keep going through day after day, always thinking did I say,do,the right thing that I never hurt anyone's feeling in anyway., you have mentioned my honesty before, I believe in being a 100% honest or else yes that word (guilt) will eat at me 24/7. being truthful is all I know.

I hate letting people down, they put their time into encouring and helping me, when I'm failing them and me all the time, I feel that their time is better used on someone that they can help that will stay helped, not someone like me that's down more then up.

When I had my good day, I though oh ok I'm feeling not so down now so I made some plans to do some cleaning the following day, but the following day bang, down again..so darn dissapointing, really makes me so upset with myself.

Really how can anyone live a life like this, not knowing how they will wake up. It's like Russian roulette.

WhiteKnight.... Wow writing your life story, amazing. well done, that would have been been so hard to do. Did you get many triggers writing it.? I hate being triggered, makes for to many tears, Me putting pen to paper for me is like trying to get milk out of a bull. I'm not good at putting words down in the right way, to what I want to say in my mind, if that makes sense.

Thank you both for being here now at this time, I really just needed someone to talk to. I did ring bb earlier this morning as my mind is not being kind to me, they are nice people. They helped but still needed to talk to you guys as I'm more comfortable talking here.

Kind thoughts

GG.

[white knight]

Hi GG

It is different writing your life story than writing your life story and being creative in describing it.

EG My life story goes...upbringing in the western suburbs of Melbourne. Annual holidays working on a dairy farm in Tasmania carting hay and milking cows. Hated Melbourne so joined the RAAF at 17. Left at 20. Joined the prison service at 21yo.

At the prisons I realized there was extremes in my thinking, sensitivity and thoughts. EG A prisoner calling out distressed during the night. I attend to him, often have a chat through the trap door, give him a piece of toast or an apple (distraction), but if my colleague downstairs was a prisoner "hater" I wouldn't do that as it wasn't worth the risk of argument. So I'd feel guilty...my other side said "leave him alone, he deserves the pain for hurting other people etc

So fast track 30 years alter when writing my story I developed 3 characters. One was the sensitive me, the second was the soldier/officer/authoritarian that hated me and the 3rd eventually was me under medication. The 3rd controlled the second and so on.

So it became a manuscript and now, many years after writing it, I cant pick it up and edit it. I'd rather leave it and my grandchildren (if I have them) might read it.

It was great therapy.

I have no answers to your latest downturn granny. I feel that you are not going through anything that's unusual considering your own story. I know I'm lucky in that I've found the strength to overcome most of my own issues yet, daily I'm reminded of the humps I too have to endure to have a smooth day. The trip to the city yesterday wore me out. I made one on Thursday to going into bb head office in 35 degree heat in my vintage car that had no air conditioning ha!. So am a bit weary today.

An old lady told me 33 years ago "we are born alone and we pass on alone". It was a sad quote to hear. She said it to remind me that it sour inner strength that shows us the way to a better life. Other people can have impact but at the end of the day we have to rise up and achieve it ourselves. I can only supply the tools, the support is great from Quirky and Db and others but IMO its that fighter in us that saves us.

Your fighter is there, you've showed us that fight. It just goes absent regularly and for days. To keep your fighter by your side is to continue with all the tools you have- prof medical attention, peer guidance, good diet, sleep and above all faith. Faith in you.

Your best is good enough.

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

GG

I am around now if you want to read/talk.

We are here. I know it is hard for you now but you are making progress.

I suppose you have to make most of the good days. I was the opposite I didn't like food days as I knew a bad day would follow.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky,

thank you very much, not words but from my heart.

I'm just learning of my cycles, wish it was reversed ie 5 good 1 bad. It's not easy to accept this, I know and many posts/ threads says to try to accept the down days, problem is how do or can someone accept them, I don't understand that. I don't know how to.

WK says there's a fighter in me/us, today that fighter has gone, Quirky how do you manage the bad days? I mean do you stay in bed or do/ can you get up and do things. I know I should be doing things but I just can't seem to make me do them.

I like a good day because you can sleep a special sleep that night, eat something besides toast. even enjoy a shower, You actually like yourself a little on a good day..bad days ewe, no sleep, no eating,no shower, doing nothing all day because can't be bothered, not liking yourself,

I used to be so house proud ie loved a clean house, no really it's why bother..it's only me here

GG