alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Much obliged.   They live in England so hopefully that's enough space.  Sometimes the internet makes things too easy to contact. 

My sister likes to send me chocolates at Christmas - imagine a packet with chocolates coming from freezing England to arrive in the 40 degree Australian heat.  Mostly it's congealed mush.  Sometimes I think she's done it on purpose but now I see she's just sending  a present.  One year the address was wrong and the chocolates went from England to Australia then back to return sender then over to Australia again.  The packet was pretty putrid by then but it was also a bit funny.

Do you ever get any strange presents ?

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Christacat, when you have a headache we tell people, when we are depressed we either fake being happy or hide but both will happen.

This is a place where people talk about important issues, their depression, it's not a place where we all bring a cake and a burnt pav and say 'oh thank you come on in we're having such a funny time, and the jokes are hilarious, and look at her she's so silly but we are loving it.

No this is B Blue, main emphasis on Blue, because depression is the pits, it sucks, it makes us think in a negative way, it blocks our mind and the job of people who respond have to try and find a tiny little crack that we can weave our way into, and if there is no crack then it's like a jack-hammer, we have to try and weaken a small part that hopefully will start to open.

We want you to keep talking to us, it's anonymous and if you keep saying that it's no good, well in fact it is good, why because it makes the brain think, OK. L Geoff. x

[S_A_D_]

Thank you Geoff!

I think that was the best comment on this entire thread, including the ones from me.

Christacat,

May I present a jackhammer? Isn't it nice? So sharp and shiny, like the diamond ring so many women wear with pride. May I show it to you up close?

I know you feel vulnerable, especially around things that can be used to hurt others, and I promise to be gentle. Well, as gentle as I can be with a jackhammer LOL. I won't hurt you. I also have a circular saw, and axe, a razor sharp scalpel, the Jaws of Life and a half dozen other tools designed to help people separate from their shell. After 4 years in the State Emergency Service, I know how to use them.

Show us a sign you want to come out of there. PLEASE! Let us rescue you.

[christacat]

No I never get any strange presents.

[geoff]

dear Christacat, thanks S.A.D., sounds rather funny.

Christacat, that's OK, but this is a venue where people talk freely, because at home, work or family house we don't talk for many reasons, 1 we don't want to, 2 or we don't want to inflict our own personal misery onto anyone else, because they might say 'don't be silly or don't be stupid' and the list just grows, how about 'get over it', or 'get on with it' so then we shut up.

So Beyond Blue has been developed by Jeff Kennett and this is a bulletin board that has been crying out for so long.

It's an anonymous site where people with 4 legs can actually talk, open up to and tell their hardship to those people with 2 heads.

The discussions go back and fro, bouncing off each other, some times people find that the advice is helpful, while others haven't accepted it, and that's good for both sides, because it means that we have to dig deeper to find this crack, and this may take a long time, so I'm not going anywhere, nor are the other great responders.

Let's suppose that you weren't depressed, but a close family member was, what would you do to help them, nothing, absolutely not, you would move mountain and high water to help them.

This journey you are going through, and believe me when I say this because I know, is that this experience will make you a stronger person in the long run, I heard that, but please trust me. L Geoff. x

[christacat]

well feeling even worse than ever right now.

 I got desperate and returned to the site online with the younger 'friends' that I wrote about previously because I have nowhere else to go.,,,I don't think they even want me around. Guess they never really liked me in the first place.  So much for being told 'I was missed' ha yeah right...

I still feel alone. When everyone brags about their likeminded friends who share their interests, hanging out with them, it just makes me feel worse and worse about myself. Even an online friend I was quite close to has real life likeminded friends to go out with, I have none.  I try to put myself out there and I just get told I am wierd and boring...the things I like suck..that I am too quiet. When a movie I want to see is coming out, or there's an event I want to go to..i just get depressed because I have no one to go with or share it with. And as I said likeminded people I try to reach out to don't want to know me.

 I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself and enjoy my hobbies and not care about stupid remarks from other people, but I can't help it. I just wish I had likemidned people

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear christacat,

I used to see movies on my own - not much fun but still OK.   You know how annyoing it is to be watching a movie and have the friend ask stupid questions like "Who's the man in the red hat ?" or "He's going to fall off the cliff - look, it's a set up".

When you marry would you like to marry a like minded person ?  Cos that would be a very boring marriage.   You generally might be better off marrying someone who can give you what you can't.   It's like you want your opposite.  Maybe you could cast your friendship net a bit wider and not stick to the stereotypical friend ?  You will never be boring if you can handle a refreshing change or unpredictability.  It's doing something out of character that makes a marriage special or a friendship really solid.   I think you might be selling yourself short with this quest for sameness.

Adios, David.

[christacat]

I don't want to marry.

I quest for sameness because of my past friendships...I never could share stuff with them without them giving me snide comments, saying no to my invites out, calling me boring because I liked this or that or didn't go drinking or partying with them. I just want someone to say 'hey i like that too, i like you the way you are, lets hang out.' it never happens. even family think i am a freak.

[luke_c]

i know this sounds absurd but have you ever tried doing brazilian jiu-jitsu (bjj) or mixed martial arts (mma)? I know not every gym will be accepting of different personalities, but most of them you'll find are pretty welcoming and accepting of anyone. You grow as a person and learnt a lot about yourself doing bjj or mma, certainly helped me, gave a new sense of confidence and become positive in life, makes me realise to be able to make the almost impossible possible (if you get my drift). you make friends for life doing bjj or mma, it's not a thuggish sport like people make it out to be. it will help remove a lot of the negativity in your mind and become calmer and freer as a person. just my two cents.