alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[DebA]

The only thing I can say is that you're not alone.

A lot of those thoughts and feelings I share too.

It's the sense of not belonging anywhere and the loneliness that I find the hardest.

You sound like an adventurous person despite the anxiety.  You get out there and give things a go.  Give yourself credit for that.

I think this is a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings so keep doing so.

x

[geoff]

hello, you mention the word 'obsessive' which is related to depression and anxiety, which then means OCD obsessive compulsory disorder, and I am just wondering whether you have this or not. You can google it and it will tell you what it means, so then you can identify as something you have or not.

All of those words you call yourself is being a bit hard on yourself, and although depression does make us think that we are all of these, they may not be correct.

Everybody is different and not all personalities are able to get on, no matter what, some will rub us up our back that we don't like, or some will contradict what we believe to be right or wrong.

Would you like to tell us a bit more about yourself, such as your hobbies and interests, I would really like to know you better, and I won't bite, and my little dog just wants a pat, and then she will probably lick you, she loves people, especially little kids, as her tail continually wags. Geoff.

[christacat]

That's the thing Geoff...I hate talking about myself and my hobbies to people. Due to what's gone in the past when I have opened up to others about myself, as soon as I do this, all I get is WHY DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR? IT SUCKS. etc etc. It goes as far as back as when I was 14 when the the bullying over my hobbies at school was pretty bad, I just started to hide things. It still happens today whenever I open up to anyone. Even though you said 'I won't bite' I still won't tell you.I am too scared

[Eddie]

Hello christacat

My name is Eddie and I can relate to what you said about not fitting in anywhere and not finding people in your wavelength. 

I've been the same all my life. I'm now 30 and I've never had a friend my whole life. I'm totally alone now, even my family have become very distant. 

I wish we could get in contact, even if it's just to have somebody to talk to. My loneliness is literally driving me insane. I think this website should be a place for troubled people like us to find others to talk to rather than just a forum for posting stuff.

[Claude]

Christacat, you are not alone in your feelings. You need to find the "good" things you do, and don't say there are none. You must love doing something, reflect on why you love it, the feelings it brings you. Concentrate on the good feelings, when those bothersome thoughts start nudging in, it is just a thought, it is not the truth, bring in a thought which is good and is the truth. Takes lots of practice, but hang in there,

[Neurotypical]

Hey Cristacat.

You sound very much like a friend of mine. Finding people who won't degrade you for your interests and mannerisms and personality in general can be difficult if you're a bit of an oddball. I'm aspie -- or at least so says a fancy, ten page report written about me as a kid -- so I vaguely know the feeling of having strange interests and very few people to talk to about them. Thankfully I found a fairly normal hobby that suited me -- online gaming, more specifically League of Legends -- and that got me socialising a bit over skype, which has been enormously helpful to my mental health and my ability to socialise. On Skype  I don't feel compelled to talk if I don't want to or if I don't feel comfortable, and it lets me listen and learn from people having normal conversations. Anyhow, little of that may be relevant to you, I'm probably just rambling here. 

I can completely understand your fear of opening up, given the abuse -- I think that's an appropriate word here -- that you've suffered in the past for it. I rarely tell people about myself in social situations these days. I much prefer to ask pointed questions of whoever I'm talking to, and make them open up to me instead. It's a skill I picked up from a particular friend of mine, and I honestly doubt my ability to function without it. 

You said that you don't trust doctors. What do you mean by that? Do you not trust them in the sense that you don't trust their diagnosis of you? Or do you not trust them with personal information about you? Or perhaps you don't trust them not to be just as degrading as everyone else about stuff? I don't mean to pry, it's just kind of interesting. 

You also said not to suggest meetups.com --a site I'd never heard of, by the way. Have you checked out other meeting/social sites? I made a profile on one about a year ago, and I was very surprised by how much I had in common with some people on there -- in more important ways than just hobbies and interests. I didn't end up meeting up with anyone on there, mainly because I had no interest in doing so, but I was quite consoled to know that there actually are people in the world -- and even just in my city -- who are similar to me. 

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

I think you should be confident in the merits of your own interests.  The criticism you receive about them may not be meant as harshly as you may take it.  And I even think maybe it shouldn't matter, anyway.

There's this kid at the organisation I volunteer at who seems to look up to me.  He recently found out I'm an atheist, and started mocking me a little for it.  We just had some banter back and forth and that's about it.  He still thinks I'm cool and seeks approval from me ("Look what I can do!  Are you watching?  Are you watching?")

A friend of mine hates some bands I like, and likewise I hate some bands he likes.  But we're still in a band together 😛

My brother has a really dumb sense of humour, but he's still my brother.

I have differing opinions with friends about various issues like immigration, gender issues, religion, philosophy, and other politics, but we're still friends.

[christacat]

Claude said:

Christacat, you are not alone in your feelings. You need to find the "good" things you do, and don't say there are none. You must love doing something, reflect on why you love it, the feelings it brings you. Concentrate on the good feelings, when those bothersome thoughts start nudging in, it is just a thought, it is not the truth, bring in a thought which is good and is the truth. Takes lots of practice, but hang in there,

There were good things I liked...but what's the point in liking them? I get teased for them and I have no one to share them with

[christacat]

Neurotypical

I tried to find likeminded people online who shared my hobbies but they ended up being teenagers or in their twenties-it made me feel even more guilty because I was older than them-need to be with people my age, but of course people my age treat me like a freak., I couldn't go to their group meetups because I am too old and what if the kids run off to Mummy and Daddy saying that an older person was meeting up with them? I felt left out when they started bragging about meeting up and doing this and doing that, and I couldn't be a part of it.

Plus I got used by them, they didn't want a friendship, they just talked to me unless they wanted something. Anyway I had to leave that place two weeks ago & deleted my account, I was sick of the drama, sick of being treated like a joke to them. I feel worse because there is nowhere else to go for me at all now. No social/meetup sites, nothing. Feel like I have tried them all and only run into drama.You're lucky you've found somewhere online or a group online. I have been trying since my mid 20's and I just run into crap all the time, must be me. Maybe I just don't deserve anyone likeminded as friends.

I don't trust doctors because ages ago I blabbed to a ';friend' I was suicidal. the friend told my mum, Mum dragged me to the family doctor. Doctor asked me why I felt this way, told him I was alone etc and he just laughed at me. Haven't been to any doctors since,. I just dont trust them.