I was watching on tv the families of the 9/11 victims. Why cant i be strong like them. Im feeling ashamed and weak I cant be strong today.
My girlfriend is angry with me most of the time because she has no money. I had to block her number because with depression she is constantly hurting me with her frustrations of no money.
She has gambling addiction and I wont enable her addiction.
I already left her back in Thailand.
The truth is im scared to break contact completely with her as she can be the only source of sunshine I get in my bleak life. It was her birthday so i sent little money to buy birthday cake and already she unhappy with me again. To send money i need take a bus along way to do this. I dont feel appreciated at all. I never know if Im grieving the loss of blocking my phone or if im depressed. I dont know how to tell.
I thought my upping meds recently was helping but its not today. Things are worse if anything today.
My Thai girl has an unusual disposition Ive never understood.
Like a computer she reboots every morning and whatever happened yesterday is forgotten while Im still getting over what happened yesterday. I blocked her many times in the past and always unblock her.
Today she would probably call but i havnt unblocked her number yet.
I know people can advise to get rid of her but if you saw how bleak my life is and where I live a rounded person could understand why i hang on to this relationship.
I really dont know what to do or the right direction to take.
If my depression would leave me i might have a chance to help myself instead of hanging on to something thats unhealthy
