Unexpected loss of my dad, my best friend. Feel I should have done more.

[pl515p1]

Hello, I feel vulnerable typing this but the words seem to be flowing as fast as my tears.

A few weeks ago I found my father passed away in his bed at only 69. He was always early to rise and seize the day, yet that day I rose from my slumber before him, it immediately felt wrong, and as I knocked on his door reality hit me like a brick. There, before my eyes I saw my father, a man who's strength, patience and generosity made him 11 foot tall and bulletproof to me, laying on his back in bed, so still, so still... far too still.

I immediately tried to wake him by shaking him, then breathed into his mouth before beginning CPR, but as I compressed his chest I heard one of his ribs or bones make a sound which terrified me and caused me to panic, knocking over his table before running outside to call the police.

I have been in denial, and keeping busy has kept a lot at bay, but in the past 6 or so days it has felt as if my entire body has caved in, I have broken down multiple times per day drenching myself in tears and searching for reasons to stay on this plane.

His death was such a shock, I still recall his final words 'I'm off to bed, goodnight' I never thought in a million years, that goodnight would turn out to be goodbye.

I have felt so much guilt owing to my circumstances for the past few years.

See as an adult I had to go back to him for help in rebuilding my life, so he was my beacon in the dark world, raised me as a single father from a child, and now too as a man.

I cannot repay what I owe to him, he sacrificed everything for me, yet only ever asked of me to be happy and live a good life.

Other guilt stems from the thought that I did not provide CPR for long enough, once I heard his rib I felt as if I were hurting him and fell apart, I know that I did not hurt him, yet I cannot shake that remorse, I also regret the few days before he passed as he was so tired and lethargic, he was recently recovering from a bout of shingles and a slight chest infection so we both assumed that was the reason for his tiredness, but I feel I should have done something, forced him to go to the GP or something...I never thought he would go to bed Monday night and never wake up, I don't think he did either.

I have been talking to his photo and recording myself on his phone, have asked him to take me away too, yet I know he gave too much of himself for me to throw it all away.

I put on a brave face for others but his phone holds my truth, miss you man, I am trying dad.

[pl515p1]

Hello therising, I have to say that you share a wisdom and clarity of thought that my father had. I have only begun to see just how much, and how well, he nurtured me, not only physically and emotionally, but also in capability of survival.

Dad has provided me with so many life skills in the event of him not being around, that I did not even know of.
He was moulding me into a man in so many ways that I am only now realising, especially after people mentioned to me how well I organised his funeral, handled contacting so many people, transferring the lease and all that hassle, caring for his affairs, reaching out for help with my own problems of grief etc.

I have done so many things in recent weeks because I knew dad needed them done, unaware that I was able to do them because he imparted the knowledge upon me, and the wisdom to seek help when I need it.

I have not been able to talk about finding dad, or his room face to face thus far, but I did write down some untold events of my story, and today I let my counsellor read some of them.

I think giving her more of the pieces of my life illustrated to her just how significant and profound the relationship between my father and I is. I think she can understand more now how to guide my healing in the future.

I had this dream a few weeks ago, I think it sums up my journey so far.

The silhouette of someone walking.
A baby that slowly grows into a child, then man, and as time passes the silhouette of the man is joined by a woman.

They continue walking and are joined by four children.

Gradually 2 of the children fade away, then the woman, and another child fades away, leaving the man and one child walking hand in hand.

The child gradually grows taller than the man, and they no longer walk hand in hand, the son starts to outpace the father, until one point where the father begins to trail and the son turns around to go back, he put his arms around the father's shoulder and then they walk together once more.

The original man then fades away, leaving only the one grown up child standing still, looking at the precipice.

I see this in my dreams, I am so scared when I awake during the night after these, the pain is so immense and heavy. It's at those times when I let out a primal scream, and cry uncontrollably, It hurts so much I cannot express how much.

It is so hard but I am still here, and I still talk to him, I think I may talk to him until I lose my voice.

[sunnyl20]

Hi pl515p1,

I am so glad that you were able to share with your counsellor what you had written about finding your dad. It can be so difficult opening yourself up to others, especially about something that is still so raw, but I hope that letting her in gave you some relief from the significant trauma of that memory and I hope that as you say, she is better able to understand more how to help you grieve and heal. It sounds like you have a very meaningful and rich relationship with your dad and his memory - the pain and distress must be overwhelming, but does it help at all knowing that he lives on in you? As you described, it sounds like he imparted a lot of his wisdom, skills and ideas onto you?

That dream in some ways sounds quite symbolic and powerful, but it also seems that it is very distressing. I have not experienced grief in the way that you have, so cannot imagine how debilitating it must feel. But please know that we hear you and we are here for you. To listen and to support you.

Take care.

[pl515p1]

Hello sunnyl20,

Yes I feel dad is here with me at times, and I hope my counsellor can begin to understand the depth of my despair.

She is kind and patient but, I think being stuck in the same home where I found dad has taken a larger toll than I thought, everything seems to be much more difficult now, my legs feel so heavy, I find it more challenging to focus my thoughts, I guess it is because I have not been sleeping or eating much. I am basically living in the front room hallway, it may seem strange but I never look back towards the bedrooms. This is wearing me out, physically and psychologically.

Even just discussing things with her I feel draining me more, last visit I think I was sitting there for 30 seconds while she was calling my name several times, I was in a other world, oblivious to all around me. I noticed I have been zoning out a bit more, just seem to sit there and an hour goes by like that.

I searched for my mum and brother, could not find my mum, I did find one with her name and even birth year but I called her and I stupidly got my hopes up only to have them squashed. I found my brothers address and put a letter there, whether or not it is him and he is there, or he even cares, is not in my control.

I brought dad's ashes home today, they are on the table next to where his dinner sits from several weeks ago, still has solidified coffee in his cup that was made for him the morning he didn't wake up.

I can't remove his items, the kitchen and laundry are still as they were with his clothing and other items, this is his home that he let me share, it is not my home to remove his belongings.

Some fiends of his want to take him out into the ocean.

I have changed the lease into my name, now there are so many other obstacles to go through before I can hopefully move, it could take months, the thought of staying in the place where my hero left this world, for more months, is soul destroying, and I have to be honest, I feel I have done everything I could, I am searching for things to keep doing, I have a couple things left to do and then nothing...

People tell me to keep going for him, yeah I am, the only reason I am still here is because I owe it to him, I am not superman though, I have been through a lot, I'm not as strong as dad, everyone has a limit somewhere, I don't know if I am in it, or beyond it, but I can feel it.

I'm not weak, I'm just exhausted, and I miss my dad. I wish I could just have some peace. The city is like a prison.

[Croix]

Dear pl515p1~

You have talked of many things since you came here, and they remind me of my worst loss, my wife, a huge part of my soul simply gone, and with it so much.

No you do not 'move on', I struggled and more events happen, and that grief, which took up all my life, got 'papered over' by more life as I lived it. No the grief does not go, however other things do come. I can now look back on my life with her and actually smile now at the things we smiled at together at the time. There is pleasure in that.

Funerals, I tried, arranged it , and half way though simply ran out. I spent the next few hours in a coffee shop then was lucky enough to be with a friend. Funerals are for some of the living, but not all of them.

Triggers happen a lot, even seeing my wife from behind in the street, to catching up to see a stranger, lots of things.

People seem to thing the realtionship has stopped, it does not. I still have one with my first wife, even though re-married and in love again, and can receive what seems like her advice or humor at times even now. I am glad of that, it does not cause misery at all. I can share with her too. No reflection on my second wife, she is a whole person and fills my soul, though not the same way, but her way. It is good.

Triggers? Well the worst was having for me to be admitted on the same ward as she passed away in for an operation in later years. No, not pleasant.

Yours are harder, they are fresh and all around you. Maybe your relationship with your father still has something to say to you about those different impossible areas and things, and your reaction to them.

What do you think he would try to do? To explain? To point out? To comfort?

Croix

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

There is a great difference between weak and weakened, throughout an exhausting battle. Be kind to yourself, in this battle which, in part, challenges you to gain a sense of who you are. 'Who am I, without my father?' remains a significant question throughout such overwhelming grief. As I sit here, tears well up in my eyes when I imagine your father saying 'I know exactly who my son is. He is extraordinary. He has incredible strength he cannot fully recognise but he will come to see it. He is sensitive (as opposed to insensitive), hence the pain and he gives me far too much credit for what he had within him all along. I just managed to bring it out in him, the best in him'. Remember, our best will always appear different based on our circumstances. While our best may not appear so great when we're in a state of pure emotional exhaustion, we can look back at some point, amazed by our self, exclaiming 'I can't believe I made it through that time in my life. I truly can't believe it!'. I believe, it's the best in us that gets us through.

It is said that there is an incredible amount of energy used up while in a state of grief. The mind can put the body through such extreme states of activity/emotion. Again, be kind to yourself. Even if you set out on a simple quest to find a variety of different bakeries or food places so as to grab a bite, it will serve your body well at this time. I know it probably isn't high on your list of priorities but being well hydrated is also important. Even mild dehydration has a lot of side effects. Maybe, with the water, you consider a few tall glasses a day, with each glass giving a 'Cheers Dad. You see, I am looking after myself'.

When I read of the dream you had, I could not help but feel deeply impacted. I imagined you there, standing upon the precipice, alone, which led me to tears. Then I began to imagine the people who came to stand behind you. There was myself, Croix, sunnyl20 and others, your counselor, your fathers friend's and so on. I imagine there will more people to come (maybe including your mum and brother) as you face feeling overwhelmed by the unknown territory that lies before you. While this journey remains yours to take, it is important to know that you are not alone, as we stand behind you.

🙂

[pl515p1]

I don't know what is happening to me, I feel as though I am falling out of control of my mind, and body.

We held the funeral last week, It felt like a blur, the rest of the week I can't even remember, I don't know if I have slept or not.

This week I have somehow managed to remained focused enough on some more tasks, I found some things I was searching for, and I brought dad's ashes home.

Ever since I have felt more and more strange, I feel trapped and suffocated in my body, feel as if I am about to pass out.

Today has been bad, I went out for a walk as one of the people I have been receiving help from told me to do, I usually walk about 10K or so, but today on my way home I felt so weird, as if I lost consciousness and lost awareness of myself and my surroundings.

Traffic passing by was terrifying, my balance felt askew as if my soul had left my body and went back in out of alignment. I had to sit down and close my eyes for about twenty minutes, I was so scared and the usually familiar surroundings felt so foreign and strange.

The feeling slowly subsided as I began to make my way home.

It came back when I was watching a video, and I think I collapsed this afternoon because I just woke up about 15 minutes ago.

I had a terrible nightmare of dad in bed, but this time he wasn't deceased, he was in a coma and we made a mistake, they took him away still alive only for him to pass away in his coffin.

I woke up shaking and soaked in sweat, this couldn't happen, the ambulance and police who came the day I called them must have checked dad for a pulse and other signs of life right? they wouldn't take him away and cause him to die like my nightmare right? It can't be, no...they have to check before declaring don't they?

This is tearing me apart, I thought I was going well, I was getting things done, but this has taken me back to day zero again.

My mind is all over the place trying to understand and come to terms with several weeks of non stop emotions, I called a friend, she said it could be heat stroke or exhaustion, she thinks I need to go to the doctor, I can't believe all this. I can't function as I am now, I'll tell my counsellor I am feeling weird, something is not right.

[Sophie_M]

Hey pl515p1,

We're so sorry to hear how much pain you're in right now, and how distressing this dream must have been for you. We can hear that things are feeling really overwhelming at the moment, and we hope you know that some extra support is always available to you tonight to talk through these feelings. We'd really encourage you to reach out to the friendly counsellors at our Support Service (1300 22 4636) as well as our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) who are always available during ovewhelming moments like these- you never have to go through this alone. 

We hope that you can continue to find comfort in these forums, and please do feel free to keep updating us on how you're going, whenever you feel ready. We're all here for you.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

I'm so glad you manged to call a friend and you are going to discuss this terrifying experience with your counselor. Keep in mind, in doing these 2 things, you are still managing. This is a new thing to manage on your path, so be kind to yourself as you come to make perfect sense of it.

Identity is an interesting thing. We identify with and through thousands of mental programs installed/stored in our brain. Eg: When we are born, people begin telling us our name, which we begin to relate to. In a crowd, we hear our name and our brain computes 'That's me', so we turn around to look for the person calling it. If your brain is programmed to understand 20/11 is the anniversary of your birthday, it makes sense today is your birthday anniversary. So, everything makes sense, based on what we know, what we can relate to. So, what happens when we have what is deemed a completely surreal experience? We can go into panic mode when there is no mental program to help us make sense of what makes no sense at all. We can be left asking 'Where the heck has reality just gone?!' It can be incredibly stressful and fearful, without someone to help us identify with what's happening.

As your friend suggested, could be related to heat stroke and/or perhaps sleep deprivation. Serious sleep deprivation, especially coupled with a life altering event could easily be mind altering. The chemistry in the brain can do some 'interesting' things through sleep deprivation. Being a mind/body/spirit gal, I could say this experience could be explained from 3 different perspectives and, from these 3 different perspectives, be deemed as natural. In other words, your experience would naturally happen based on certain circumstances. Finding someone to help you make sense of what's happened or what's happening will allow you to navigate your way through. Less fear comes with greater understanding.

Strange to think that some people intentionally seek out what you experienced. Some will take a mind altering substance to achieve a 'reality shift'. They may even become addicted to the feeling it gives them. Then there are those who seek or practice a more natural way to achieve a kind of 'out of body experience'. You'll get a different take on your experience, depending on who you speak to - a GP, a psyche or a spiritual counselor.

Finding ways of 'grounding yourself' out of your head (being in 100% thinking mode) might make some difference. Try Googling 'grounding exercises'.

🙂

[sunnyl20]

It sounds like you are in a very dark place, I am really sorry things feel so awful right now. The physical sensations, nightmares, "trapped" feelings and loss of awareness sound particularly exhausting and distressing. Your friend is probably right, sleep deprivation is likely to be exacerbating the grief, although I understand that it is also a bit of a vicious cycle and that grief can make it difficult to rest and sleep. Like therising, I would also encourage you to look into grounding exercises - they can be helpful when you feel yourself spiralling and dissociating from what's around you. Writing can also be helpful to externalise some of what is going on in your mind, as a way to try to organise some of your thoughts and get them out of your system. You don't have to handwrite if this feels too much effort, you can just get a blank word document and type or text. In terms of going "back to day zero again", please know that grieving is not linear. It is so difficult when it feels like one step forward, three steps back, but you are not alone. You have been through so much. As you said, you are exhausted, but you are not weak. I hope you are able to get some rest if you can, it sounds like you are very drained.

Take care.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

Just wanting to check up on you and see how you're going. I'm hoping your counselor is making a positive difference for you.

🙂