Unexpected loss of my dad, my best friend. Feel I should have done more.

[pl515p1]

Hello, I feel vulnerable typing this but the words seem to be flowing as fast as my tears.

A few weeks ago I found my father passed away in his bed at only 69. He was always early to rise and seize the day, yet that day I rose from my slumber before him, it immediately felt wrong, and as I knocked on his door reality hit me like a brick. There, before my eyes I saw my father, a man who's strength, patience and generosity made him 11 foot tall and bulletproof to me, laying on his back in bed, so still, so still... far too still.

I immediately tried to wake him by shaking him, then breathed into his mouth before beginning CPR, but as I compressed his chest I heard one of his ribs or bones make a sound which terrified me and caused me to panic, knocking over his table before running outside to call the police.

I have been in denial, and keeping busy has kept a lot at bay, but in the past 6 or so days it has felt as if my entire body has caved in, I have broken down multiple times per day drenching myself in tears and searching for reasons to stay on this plane.

His death was such a shock, I still recall his final words 'I'm off to bed, goodnight' I never thought in a million years, that goodnight would turn out to be goodbye.

I have felt so much guilt owing to my circumstances for the past few years.

See as an adult I had to go back to him for help in rebuilding my life, so he was my beacon in the dark world, raised me as a single father from a child, and now too as a man.

I cannot repay what I owe to him, he sacrificed everything for me, yet only ever asked of me to be happy and live a good life.

Other guilt stems from the thought that I did not provide CPR for long enough, once I heard his rib I felt as if I were hurting him and fell apart, I know that I did not hurt him, yet I cannot shake that remorse, I also regret the few days before he passed as he was so tired and lethargic, he was recently recovering from a bout of shingles and a slight chest infection so we both assumed that was the reason for his tiredness, but I feel I should have done something, forced him to go to the GP or something...I never thought he would go to bed Monday night and never wake up, I don't think he did either.

I have been talking to his photo and recording myself on his phone, have asked him to take me away too, yet I know he gave too much of himself for me to throw it all away.

I put on a brave face for others but his phone holds my truth, miss you man, I am trying dad.

[pl515p1]

Hello, I am, I don't know how well, but...I am here, counsellor is ok.

I went to the GP this week to get some tests and check up owing to the way I am feeling, asked about dad, to add to the guilt I already feel, they told me that if he were to have gone to hospital a couple of days earlier he may have been here now, but they could not say for certain.

This news makes me feel as if I...

He thought, as did I, that he had a mild illness, something people have had a million times before, I should have made him go, but how was I to know? he hated hospitals, and I didn't know he could die, how can someone be okay one day, then a few nights later go to bed and not wake up? This still feels wrong, not real, it cannot be real...

The dreams I have had during the past two nights are haunting me differently, now in every dream I am trying to tell him about the day I find him, trying to warn him about the end that is near.

In each dream I have trouble finding him, last night he was working and my phone battery ran out so I chased all over Sydney trying to catch up with him, when I finally did I tried to tell him how worried I am, that he needs to see a doctor quick, he turns to me and smiles, saying he is all right, then I reach out to him and I wake up...

This morning I awoke from this dream and it was still dark, so it must have been early, I was absolutely drenched from head to toe, my hair was soaking wet.

I think my brain is trying to come to terms with all of this, I am trying to go back to warn him, but no matter what I do, I can't change it, and it hurts so much, it eviscerates my soul, each dream is another dagger to my heart, reminding me of what I have lost, and what I should have done.

I know that life is unpredictable, after all dad went through, I still can't believe this, I would give up the remainder of my life for him to live one more moment, everyday is more difficult than the last, but everyday is another closer to seeing him again.

I managed to contact dad's brother, my uncle, he was trying to find us as well which hurts even more, I still need to find others, I have not found mum because her named may have changed, I think I found my brother but he has not called me so who knows.

I took dad for granted over the years, and I hate myself for it, I am so sorry dad, I love you, I miss you, I hope you can see how much.

I am where I was before, a day at a time, thought about volunteering to help some people, as dad did, I don't know.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

Seeing the GP was a good move by the sound of it. Managing both mind and body at the same time when we're under incredible stress (including the stress that comes with grief) is incredibly important. The dream you had, before waking up covered in perspiration, gives you a clear idea of how much pressure you're body is under throughout your grief. I hope the GP is able to make a positive difference in some ways.

Do you feel the dream was trying to tell you that no matter how much you hounded your dad, he just wouldn't have gone to see the doctor? Parents can be stubborn folk, just ask my kids. I believe another thing your dream might be trying to tell you involves who you are. I bet your dad knew you as someone who would just about go to the ends of the earth for him, if need be. Would you say that imagining rushing around Sydney like a person possessed when someone really needs you tells you about the kind of person you are? You definitely sound like the kind of person who would volunteer to help people in need. There are people who need you, you just haven't met them yet. It is easy for me to imagine them feeling blessed in coming to know you.

As a mum, I expect my kids will take me for granted at times. It's part of the territory. I never doubt how much they love me, even when they're taking me for granted. When a parent brings out the best in their child, their child has no choice but to feel loved. The parent who brings out the best receives an incredible unspoken sense of love in the process. They know, without a single doubt, they are loved by the person they raise to life.

Do you know where or how you'll volunteer?

🙂

[pl515p1]

Yes, dad was certainly stubborn, you know, one day he was working and he fell off a ladder, hurting his ankle. He still walked to the shops to buy dinner before coming home, I made him go to the hospital to find he had a fracture, he was back at work the next week!

I think of him as the Black Knight from Monty Python, no matter how much he would go through, he'd reply 'I'm all right, it's just a scratch'

I understand that I could not change his mind, I do know though, that if he had felt that his life was in danger he would go to hospital, he would not take life threating symptoms so lightly, both the GP and he assumed he would recover from the small infection, so as the GP told me, both him, and dad, did not have any idea that he could pass away, it was sudden, and it was a shock to us all.

I cannot change it, but it will never make sense to me, I know life is that way, we never truly know when our time is up, or what tomorrow holds, but I cannot get my head around watching my father carry a bike up several flights of stairs after working 8 hours in August, and then a few short weeks later go to sleep and never wake up.

This is what really tears at me, if he had a long term illness or something, maybe I could allow my mind to process this, but he went to hospital in June for a minor infection, that was his first hospital visit since 2001!

To see that a healthy, hard working man, can be here one day and gone the next has shaken me, this is something I know that I will never recover from, I am not the same person anymore.

I no longer fear for my health, so if my medical result are negative, and I must soon depart this plane, seeing dad is my reward, so my fear of death no longer exists, I have heard that this is dangerous, but I don't know, it feels liberating in one sense.

As for volunteering, well even at my lowest I have something from dad, an urge to help people, an urge to make people smile. I shared my shopping with a homeless man a few weeks ago, don't even know why, it just felt right, and I enjoy seeing someone being lifted from the downturn they are on.

So I will probably help those less fortunate, my counsellor indicated that I should go into mental health as I have an understanding which I hoped I never would have, I don't know though.

Something that brightens up the world of another is what I like. I have always been the guy who tries to cheer up others or make them laugh, even made my counsellor laugh, I can't cheer myself up though, funny.

[pl515p1]

Thoughts now become another burden, pushed back into the recesses of the mind few speak of. So, out goes the exposed emotion, and on goes the mask of survival I wear so well.

I am doing great! Holding it together yeah, yeah, go me!

Truth is, that's the surface, inside I am broken, lost, sad, and mad. I’m angry that instead of being able to grieve, I have many stupid things I need to do because of the bureaucracy we live in, the majority of services and government departments I have to deal with are full of incompetent idiots who would never survive if they had to fend for themselves, how any of them gained employment is beyond my minuscule understanding.

The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, do you know that I had to prompt forensics to have them inform me of my father while I waited alone? I had to call them to reach out for bereavement services, I had to call the police to see when I can have a funeral for dad, I had to initiate contact myself through each step of the process, every single support I have had since had been sought out by me, not offered.

Take my ambulance fee, twice now I have been told it will be ok, but now it has escalated to Revenue NSW who will pursue debt collection if I don't pay, so I have to start all over, explain to them again.

“A man wakes up to find his beloved father deceased unexpectedly, he is in complete shock, the police inform him that he should go to hospital for his own well being, and also not to have to see them remove his father's body from the home they share, he can barely stand up, so he agrees. Then they send him a bill”.

So I lose everything, they want me to pay for losing it all too, so tell me the system is working great, ha ha ha. Don’t worry though, I am awesome, nothing can get me down. Peace.




 

[pl515p1]

I don't know why, but tonight is so hard, what I found comforting last week does not seem to dull the ache, it hurts so much.

I have spent the last hour looking through the street view of google maps, searching for routes where dad would go for walks and rides, just hoping for a one in a million chance that he was captured on an image, just to see him in a new photo so he seems alive.

I see him from the corner of my eye when I walk by, a man walking up ahead, is him from behind...but, it isn't.

[sunnyl20]

I am sorry that you are experiencing so much distress. It sounds like things are really difficult right now. And to have Revenue NSW chasing you for a payment for something like this must just compound what you are already feeling.

I would encourage you to pursue volunteering if and when you feel ready. It sounds like you have already put a bit of thought into it and I think your ability to brighten the world of another matters. If you feel that it may bring you some purpose and hope, it may really be worth giving a try, you sound like such a giving and generous soul.

I hope you find some peace and relief from your distress soon. And I hope that you are continuing to find some benefit from your counsellor.

Take care.

[pl515p1]

Thank you sunnyl20, I found some peace tonight when I was talking to my uncle about he and dad as kids, think I actually laughed for the first time since it happened, my uncle sounds so much like dad, it is both elating and deflating.

Of course, the snap back effect of the emotional tsunami that is grief came back with a vengeance, a 50 foot monster wave hit me about an hour after the call, it knocked me out literally, fell asleep around 7pm, earliest I have ever been asleep, naturally now I am awake again at 11:30, so it's gonna be a long night after my dream

I had some contact with Legal help today in regards to my Revenue situation, so a small weight has left me to be shared with them.

I think volunteering will be good for a few reasons, to keep myself busy, to focus on another person instead of my grief, but also, there is something special about the human connection, that shared experience with another, where you both gain something from the interaction.

When you make another person smile, it is hard for oneself to avoid smiling, if only for the reflex action. But, even a mere reflex action of a grin, is better than constant tears streaming down upon the chin.

[pl515p1]

Why does it seem that the more I do, the deeper I sink? Is this some sort of push back for guilt?

I have done so much this week, just today I did three things I did not want to, I even forced myself to go for a long walk in the sunshine though I really wanted to be home in a corner.

I am doing everything that people with insight say I should, but whatever I do, I cannot fix the only thing that matters, and it hits me out of the blue, that sucker punch to the guts that floors me.

I went in to his room, I think it was a mistake and far too soon.

I just realised today, as I spoke to my counsellor, that I never got to hold dad's hand, or support him, when I found him. The shock was too intense, once I ran out of his room, I did not look back, and when the police arrived I never saw dad again.

Even at the funeral it was closed casket...I wish I held his hand, hugged him...I hope he did not feel alone, he was only a room away, drifted away as I sat outside talking with my friends. I should have watched him sleep, I should have, I was absent from my post as a son, I'm sorry dad.

If he were to die in my arms I would have supported him, I would be holding him as he goes, but, but, to find him as I did...I feel as if I abandoned him some how, now I'll never get a chance to hold his hand again, now I'll

I think I should have laid down beside him on his bed while waiting for help, I was afraid of his body...I never saw a person deceased before, let alone someone I loved so powerfully. I hope he does not see this as me avoiding him, or abandoning him, poor dad, his body on the bed, why did I go in there?

I wish I could close that door and rewind time, close my eyes and not see you there. I guess I am traumatized, this is so difficult.

[sunnyl20]

I am so glad you were able to have a laugh and smile with your uncle - even if it was brief, I hope it gives you some comfort that there is still some light, even if it does feel fleeting right now. It is also great to hear you have some assistance with the Revenue situation, I hope that they are able to help you resolve it quickly. I am sorry to hear things feel so up and down. Grieving is definitely not a linear process, there is a lot of volatility and "one step forward two steps back". What happened that day was extremely traumatising and it is very understandable that you went into shock and fled. From what you have described in previous posts, you put huge amounts of time, effort and thought into his funeral, organising the video tribute which his friends so appreciated - you definitely did not abandon your dad. Traumatic events (and reliving them) can be deeply physical and painfully visceral experiences. People respond differently, but it is not unusual to go into shock or completely shut down emotionally. I hope it is okay for me to say but you need to be kinder to yourself, you have been through so much and you are very hard on yourself. It might feel incredibly distressing right now, but please know that it is possible to process trauma and allow it to not completely overwhelm and overpower you - I really hope and believe that it will not always be this painful for you.

Take care.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

sunnyl20 mentioned the shock factor, which can definitely influence how long it can take before coming to make sense of things. I imagine, if I lost 1 or both of the greatest loves of my life (my kids), while I eventually would be able to make sense of the circumstances in which they passed, I don't believe I would ever be able to make sense of them no longer being in my life. Perhaps what works is to continue sensing those we love but in new ways.

You mention 'I am not the same person anymore'. While we can gradually wake up in life to find our self a different person, compared to who we used to be, nothing compares to a wake up call being in the form of a shocking slap in the face. It can be like waking up to a whole new reality. Nothing looks familiar. It's not the way it appeared before the slap. What do I do? Who am I? Where do I go from here? For your #1 guide to no longer be here, I can imagine this feels so incredibly cruel, like a double blow.

Waking up to find you are not the same person will test you to find who you are now. Enormous challenges in this test, challenges you have been rising to that you deserve a medal for. While I can see hints of who you truly are, I am wondering if you can see them

• Through your dad's passing, you have found in yourself love so great that it is obvious, based on the level of pain. You are someone who loves deeply
• Based on the joy you felt in sharing your shopping with a homeless man, this tells me you are a compassionate thoughtful person who finds pure joy in raising others
• Based on you coming here and seeing your counselor, it is obvious that you are someone who is invested in their own evolution, constantly seeking ways to raise your self. In our personal evolution, self love can be found
• In all you have done in the way of the funeral and dealing with people who have not made life easy you are someone who, when faced with overwhelming challenge, holds the ability to dig deep to find the best in them self
• You are someone who's independently finding their multiple natural abilities, when it comes to making a difference. You've come here, you've searched for family (reconnecting with your uncle), you're coming to recognise the importance of intolerance (not tolerating those on the other end of the phone messing you around), you are exploring the significance of emotion and the list goes on

You are finding yourself after the slap and within the pain. You are an incredible person, truly incredible.

🙂