Grief and loss

Support and advice following the loss of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

All discussions

Leeroyo1 My sisters boyfriend passed away
  • replies: 3

My sister texted me this morning that her boyfriend had passed away. They had gotten close in 2020, and drifted apart. He had previously been hospitalised with drug / alcohol problems. He was only 38, and l don't know much information, but l believe ... View more

My sister texted me this morning that her boyfriend had passed away. They had gotten close in 2020, and drifted apart. He had previously been hospitalised with drug / alcohol problems. He was only 38, and l don't know much information, but l believe that his death was alcohol related. My sister was worried when she tried to ring him, and her calls were going straight to messagebank. She managed to contact a family member through social media, and the family member informed my sister that he had passed away. I have been around at my sisters all day looking after her 8 year old daughter. My sister has been distraught all day, and l have mainly been with her daughter. It was distressing to see my sister so upset. And obviously, my sister couldn't say too much to me with her daughter there. My sister has an amicable relationship with her ex husband, and he came around to help with his daughters bed time routine. When her ex husband came over, l drove home at my sisters request. It has been a traumatic day, and l have been texting my sister. She says she is ok, and doesn't want to talk because she is exhausted. I never met her boyfriend, but it is so sad. He has an ex wife, and children whom are quite young. Now l am home, and trying to emotionally process the afternoon. I wish my sister felt like talking to me, and l wish l could reach out to her. But she is dealing with her grief in her own way. I also suffer with anxiety, and now l am at home, wide awake and trying to relax. I am going to see my sister tomorrow, so l will give her some time. From what l can gather the relationship was on again / off again, but my sister said that the moments they shared together were very special to her, and she loved him. It is so very sad. My sister also doesn't know his family very well, which makes things hard.

Sommer Duck
  • replies: 2

I lost an Uncle, who was like another father to me around 4 years ago and it was sudden. He left to go and cut wood and never came home. I can still remember the phone call from my mum, i have never been able to get over this, i know from that day i ... View more

I lost an Uncle, who was like another father to me around 4 years ago and it was sudden. He left to go and cut wood and never came home. I can still remember the phone call from my mum, i have never been able to get over this, i know from that day i haven't been myself and not sure how to? Any ideas? He was someone who had been in my life from the day i was born, he wasn't suppose to die, he was always going to be in my life. I don't have the answers, and i feel lost many days, i feel cheated. I didn't go to his funeral, i couldn't because i didn't believe it was real i guess. To this day, i still look for him in places he loved, i can still hear his last words to me and see him walking up the street to his house. I just don't see why the world had to take him

Fresh_static_snow TW: Suicide. My 29 year old brother took his life a few days ago.
  • replies: 5

I am feeling a lot of guilt around my brothers suicide. I know this is common, and I know I'm being too harsh on myself. We had spoken a few hours previously, about nothing important, just a bit of banter on a group chat with my sister. A few hours l... View more

I am feeling a lot of guilt around my brothers suicide. I know this is common, and I know I'm being too harsh on myself. We had spoken a few hours previously, about nothing important, just a bit of banter on a group chat with my sister. A few hours later, out of the blue he sent a message saying "sorry.", and I don't remember if i saw it that night or not, before I went to sleep. I keep thinking that it flashed on the screen and he must have been apologising for saying something he thought was 'too much' whether it be a joke or him expressing his feelings. All that I do know is that when i finally acknowledged the message, it was too late. He had taken his life sometime while I was asleep. He was 29 years old, very smart, and very driven. We had lost our father to a motorcycle accident early 2019, they were best friends, and he had taken it very hard. He was also going through separation with his partner of 8 years, and was also struggling with his career. I know he had been going through a lot, but I didn't like pressuring him too much to seek help because he was a bit stubborn and hated being told what to do. Looking back through messages he had sent me though, the warning signs for suicide were there, I just read them as depression. He always apologised for expressing his feelings, I always told him it was more than okay, but he still felt like a burden no matter how many times I tried to explain I wanted to help. I had previously taken a few weeks off work for my mental health, and I feel this may had stopped him from opening up - maybe he didn't want me to worry or didn't want to add to my problems. But I'm the kind of person who wants to help no matter what. I keep thinking that if I had just seen his message, maybe I could have gotten him to hold on for a little longer, which I know is selfish of me because he was obviously in so much pain. I love him, and miss him so much, and the empath in me wishes I could have taken all his pain away. He was too young. Please look after each other. Please seek help if you feel you need it. You are not a burden.

FridaysChild Death of my 97 year old Mum 2 days ago
  • replies: 9

It’s Saturday today. On Tuesday my Mum had a massive stroke. On Thursday at 00:18 she died - exactly 12 months to the day after moving into residential aged care. I was with her the first day of her stroke all day and slept in her room that night lis... View more

It’s Saturday today. On Tuesday my Mum had a massive stroke. On Thursday at 00:18 she died - exactly 12 months to the day after moving into residential aged care. I was with her the first day of her stroke all day and slept in her room that night listening to her struggling to breathe. They got her on morphine pretty quickly - but anyone who talks about palliative care keeping the dying ‘comfortable’ hasn’t had the same experience I have. My sister stayed over the next night because I needed sleep. Mum died at 18 minutes past midnight. I was there the next morning. I don’t know what to feel yet. I think I know what I’m supposed to feel - but I just feel empty and angry. Angry? Yep. Angry. Her death and dying was horrific and ugly. For her it was frightening, painful, humiliating, hideous. She suffered. She didn’t die peacefully - that’s just what I told family members who weren’t there. When I saw her body the morning after she died, I finally understood the meaning of the word ‘corpse’. It was awful. I can’t wrap my head around all of this and there’s been no time to figure out what I feel. We had to deal with the funeral home, pack up her room at the nursing home, try to look after my 98 year old Dad - who’d lost his love and companion of 85 years. I’m so tired my body aches but I can’t sleep. Food doesn’t appeal at all and most of the time I feel sick. I haven’t cried yet. My throat is choked with a hard lump and my head is tight with ache. My eyes are sore. I can’t concentrate and I’m going around in an autopilot daze. I feel empty and lost. I want to cry and grieve for my Mum - but I feel like I can’t. Like I’m stuck in a cruel limbo where the images of her final suffering and her corpse haunt my waking moments. I have a loving and supportive partner, sister, brother, and friend - but it doesn’t help. She’s gone and she’s been there for every day of my 54 year old life. The brutal truth of her death is something that I can’t talk about with most people. I just listen to their well meaning words and remember my own difficulty on similar occasions in knowing what to say. I now know there are no’ right’ words. Or at least that I haven’t heard anything that has really gotten through to me. Though I have support - I still feel alone. Alone and tetherless.

StrivingToSurvive Losing A parent from cancer
  • replies: 21

Hi, Now I understand why 2020 is the worst. at the beginning of the year I was living a normal life as a 15 yr old and I continued on to do so. I came across many friends who just hated this yr so bad because of remote learning and stuff. for me that... View more

Hi, Now I understand why 2020 is the worst. at the beginning of the year I was living a normal life as a 15 yr old and I continued on to do so. I came across many friends who just hated this yr so bad because of remote learning and stuff. for me that wasn't that bad because I loved staying home and avoid seeing people. things were going good until July where my mum had her hands turned purple. she went to the hospital and came back being diagnosed with TNBC (triple negative breast cancer). My mum is the type who hides her pain VERY well with her smile. I had really high hopes that she would heal. but as days passed on, her condition got worse. Her death is not what scarred me and made me painfully sad. It is the amount of pain she went through and me just sitting there not knowing what to do just broke me into tears. every time I go home from school, the first thing I do was to always go see my mum, she would always be there in the kitchen cooking food for us. And now I go home with no scent of her cooking, no sound, just complete silence. The light that used to lit up the house is gone. the warmth of her hug has disappeared. she never cared or spent money on herself. she needed new clothes but she wanted to spend her money on us and other people. People with the kindest heart leaves the best memory and at the same time the worst pain. I hope I can find someone who can relate to me because it is hard. Grief is something that will never heal completely. I don't want to feel alone anymore. Thank you for reading this.

Mandy_B Couldn’t say goodbye to parents- Travel Ban
  • replies: 3

Year 2020 been so harsh to everyone but it couldn’t be more worst then not been able to say goodbye and attend last rites of our old parents due to border closure. Grief in itself is not easy to deal with but not being able to do last rites is beyond... View more

Year 2020 been so harsh to everyone but it couldn’t be more worst then not been able to say goodbye and attend last rites of our old parents due to border closure. Grief in itself is not easy to deal with but not being able to do last rites is beyond sadness. Feeling of helplessness makes you choke. You yearn for it but you know you cannot do anything about it and when you cannot do anything about it, you feel hopeless about life. Worst is when you cannot support your left alone parent. When you cannot go and hug your mom or dad when they need you the most. They are old and vulnerable and dealing with their grief alone. Thinking about them makes you feel depressed and affects your health. You feel angry about situation and feel completely devastated. Sometimes you may even feel that you cannot bear this pain and feel like committing suicide but then another moment you realise you cannot even do that because you have family to take care. You feel stuck in this loop and keep on fighting within yourself with no one to support you. Anybody feeling this way then this is the place we can support each-other. No body should fight alone with grief. We cannot change the situation but we can definitely share our pain. No one deserves this punishment of being alone in grief. Though it’s hard time but it will pass. Let’s get together and support each other. Reach out if you going through the same pain. You will be fine ... just hang in there and don’t loose hope . That’s all we have !!

Jazz and Blues Finding meaning through the existential grief of mental illness
  • replies: 2

I've been reflecting lately about the grief that comes alongside living with a chronic mental illness. We tend not to reflect in depth about the losses that we accumulate whether we must endure recurrent depression or anxiety; the missed opportunitie... View more

I've been reflecting lately about the grief that comes alongside living with a chronic mental illness. We tend not to reflect in depth about the losses that we accumulate whether we must endure recurrent depression or anxiety; the missed opportunities, the wasted time, the seemingly pointless suffering. Instead, we are inspired to focus on our individual recovery. We are told to hold onto hope - to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Whilst these views are no doubt essential, and are certainly things that have carried me through the darkness at times, I can't help but wonder how we tend to our existential grief. Perhaps our grief brings with it a learning of acceptance? Or perhaps we simply learn to move on despite our setbacks? This grief can leave us feeling hopeless at times. What has worked for you when you are overwhelmed by despair? When you feel that everything is unfair and the world has taken something that you thought you deserved? How do we continue to endure? An essential part of the grieving process is enduring the struggle that leads us to find meaning in our losses. For me, I find meaning in using my story. I must accept that some things have changed in my life, perhaps forever, as a result of my illness. But, equally, I would not trade away my illness despite the grief it causes. Because to do so would be to change the very nature of who I am, who I have become and how I have improved as a person not despite but because of my own battles. Over to you forum. How do you find meaning?

Lizzy27 Loss of my best friend
  • replies: 5

It was almost 2 years ago, a normal day at home watching tv, I get a call saying there was police and an ambulance outside my best friends house but I thought “typical”. Later that day I get the dreaded call that my best friend had taken his own life... View more

It was almost 2 years ago, a normal day at home watching tv, I get a call saying there was police and an ambulance outside my best friends house but I thought “typical”. Later that day I get the dreaded call that my best friend had taken his own life. My heart shattered into a million pieces, almost 2 years later my heart is still breaking. I still cry at night. I miss him so much :((

Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

Bee1998 Lost My Best Friend Of 10 Years To Suicide
  • replies: 10

In February this year (2021), I received a phone call to say that my best friend had died (committed suicide). At first I was calm/in shock, as it did not feel real.... Once I hung up the phone, I broke down into tears. I felt a sudden darkness/coldn... View more

In February this year (2021), I received a phone call to say that my best friend had died (committed suicide). At first I was calm/in shock, as it did not feel real.... Once I hung up the phone, I broke down into tears. I felt a sudden darkness/coldness run through me, and I felt the most sadness I've ever felt in my whole life. I did not stop crying for the next few days after finding out the daunting news. My eyes were swollen and black all around from the amount I had cried. I just could not stop. I refused to leave my bed, as I felt physically sick every time I did. A few months have passed, and I am starting to feel a lot better than I did (in regards to the sadness), but I am not the same as I used to be. Every day since I lost my friend, I have felt so lost and stuck in the same place constantly. She was the only person in my life that I could properly talk to about anything and everything, and the only person who actually understood and gave real, honest advice. She was the only friend I could be entirely myself around, and the longest/closest friend I had my entire life. She was like a sister to me. In high school we had sleepovers at each others houses almost every night and spent every weekend together. We had baths and showers together, slept in the same bed, we did everything together. We were inseparable. Even once we had finished high school, we drifted apart for a while and didn't speak, but when we came back into contact, it was like we never stopped talking, like we saw each other just yesterday. We always had this special bond between the two of us. We both always knew that no matter how long we went without seeing each other or speaking, we would still love each other forever. It has been a really rough past few months for me, as I haven't been able to speak to anyone properly about what happened, so it has been bottled up inside. I just miss my friend so much, and often I have thoughts like "Maybe this is just a joke, and she will reappear one day soon." It doesn't feel real..... I have also been having really strong thoughts of suicide myself, pretty much every day since I lost my friend. Could really use someone to talk to....