Unexpected loss of my dad, my best friend. Feel I should have done more.

[pl515p1]

Hello, I feel vulnerable typing this but the words seem to be flowing as fast as my tears.

A few weeks ago I found my father passed away in his bed at only 69. He was always early to rise and seize the day, yet that day I rose from my slumber before him, it immediately felt wrong, and as I knocked on his door reality hit me like a brick. There, before my eyes I saw my father, a man who's strength, patience and generosity made him 11 foot tall and bulletproof to me, laying on his back in bed, so still, so still... far too still.

I immediately tried to wake him by shaking him, then breathed into his mouth before beginning CPR, but as I compressed his chest I heard one of his ribs or bones make a sound which terrified me and caused me to panic, knocking over his table before running outside to call the police.

I have been in denial, and keeping busy has kept a lot at bay, but in the past 6 or so days it has felt as if my entire body has caved in, I have broken down multiple times per day drenching myself in tears and searching for reasons to stay on this plane.

His death was such a shock, I still recall his final words 'I'm off to bed, goodnight' I never thought in a million years, that goodnight would turn out to be goodbye.

I have felt so much guilt owing to my circumstances for the past few years.

See as an adult I had to go back to him for help in rebuilding my life, so he was my beacon in the dark world, raised me as a single father from a child, and now too as a man.

I cannot repay what I owe to him, he sacrificed everything for me, yet only ever asked of me to be happy and live a good life.

Other guilt stems from the thought that I did not provide CPR for long enough, once I heard his rib I felt as if I were hurting him and fell apart, I know that I did not hurt him, yet I cannot shake that remorse, I also regret the few days before he passed as he was so tired and lethargic, he was recently recovering from a bout of shingles and a slight chest infection so we both assumed that was the reason for his tiredness, but I feel I should have done something, forced him to go to the GP or something...I never thought he would go to bed Monday night and never wake up, I don't think he did either.

I have been talking to his photo and recording myself on his phone, have asked him to take me away too, yet I know he gave too much of himself for me to throw it all away.

I put on a brave face for others but his phone holds my truth, miss you man, I am trying dad.

[pl515p1]

Hello therising, and Sunnyl20, Thank you both, means more than I can write, sorry I cannot respond in the deserved manner, this week has been hard.

Birthday was very draining, I found a box of dad's belongings, letters, art, and he had kept everything I ever made for him.

Drawings stories, pottery, woodwork, to see what I created next to what he made, was an indescribable feeling.

I was going okay until today, I received another letter from person on behalf of my brother and Aunt, they apologised and included photos of mum they had promised earlier.

This is completely overwhelming, on one hand it hurts, as my brother and aunt are still not communicating with me, but on the other I get to see mum again, for the first time in over 18 years.

It is difficult to explain how I am feeling right now, I went to my GP for more sessions, to learn that they still do not know the cause of dad's death, he just passed in his sleep, not knowing still lingers in my heart.

And to see my mum, it hurts so much, her face, her arms holding me, deep surge as if I had lost her again when I saw her.

She even kept a photo of her sitting on dad's motorbike, this made me more sad, see, mum kept dad's last name, and kept precious photos of things they shared. I have a deep feeling, that she still loved dad, and he her we lost so much, they should be together now, we all should be.

Sometimes I wish I did not search for them, not knowing would shield me, perhaps I was not ready.

All I know is, I miss dad more everyday, and looking at my beautiful mum...makes me miss what I had with her, and what I could have had.

I cannot express it, to see a photo of her holding me just after I was delivered, or her hands holding mine up as I try to walk, or seeing dad hold me standing on his hand.

Sorry, I have to constantly distract myself every moment to function through the day.

Next week will be very tough, it's dad's birthday, first time we won't be together, I made him some small cards with items he gifted me through his life, such as strength, resilience, ethics, morals, and dignity.

I described when I thought he gave those gifts to me.
I placed them all in envelopes on his...

Next week I have to get mums death certificate, I have photos of her funeral but not where she is now, the photo of her on dad's bike was on her casket it was...

I hope they are up there, each holding a daughter, waiting for me and my brother to join them.

I have lost almost my entire family I am... why?

[pl515p1]

Well, I spent all night looking at photos, I think I am dehydrated from tears, I wrote another letter to my brother an aunt, well I wrote over 50 last night, but tore each up as the words did not come out as I wanted.

I am going now to place a final letter in his letterbox, saying how thankful I am for the photos, how much I miss mum, and how much I miss them, at this point I don't know if they'll read it, but nothing is everything I have.

I was thinking of placing some photos of myself in the letter, but I probably won't, I don't know where mum is at rest, and it may take too long for her certificate to arrive with the details, so I wrote her a poem, and asked them to place it with her, I want to place photos and some special belongings with her as well, but placing them in the letter, I don't know, hopefully words reach her, and she knows I tried, and wanted to give more.

To my mum, you gave me life, you held me with so much love, that I can still feel it now, please mum, please forgive me for all these years lost.

I love you very, very much.

I feel your loving hands hold me,
I feel your caring embrace.

In the beauty of the sea,
In the gentle breeze on my face.

You are part of me,
I am part of you.

I hope from above you can see,
I hope you know I love you.

I wish I could see you,
I am so sorry I was not there.

I wish I could hold you,
Show you that I care.

I hope you can forgive me,
I hope you see I love you so.

I hope you can feel this,
I hope you can know.

You are up there now, with others, who shine such a sweet light,
One day we will all be together, as a family we'll reunite.

Goodnight mum, until then, a hug and a kiss,
I love you, I thank you, you forever I'll miss.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

To say that each challenge in this process you face is hard would have to be the understatement of the century. Each challenge sounds like it is reforming you to be more loving, more determined as a seeker/investigator, more committed and more sensitive. In this process, you are finding your self. When so many overwhelming thoughts and deep emotions come into play, this would undoubtedly have to be the most challenging part. 'I've never known my self to be so sad, to feel so hopeless, so lost. I've never know my self this way'.

During my years in depression, I'd never known my chemistry/biology to be so brutal, so cruel and so intense. I'd never felt it before. I'd never known my thoughts/mind to be so misguided, so destructive and so lacking in self esteem. I'd never known my sense of spirit to be so out of reach, so detached; I'd never felt so abandoned by life. I have come to feel and know both the darkest and the brightest parts of my self throughout my life so far. Navigating through the brightest of moments is easy. Navigating through 'the darkness' can be such an incredibly lonely feeling, no matter how many people appear to be helping, trying to make a difference, trying to shed some light. It can be so hard to recognise inspiration when it comes to us in such a dark place. As I may have mentioned, inspiration is often challenging and who wants a challenge when life feels challenging enough.

I am wondering what positive inspiration sounds like to you. Does it sound like 'Why don't you take up boxing' or 'Why don't you go out with your friends even though you don't want to' or perhaps 'You know you're doing an amazing job under the circumstances, even though it doesn't feel like it' or maybe 'Why don't you write a poem for your mum'. By the way, what a truly beautiful deeply heartfelt poem. The world is so blessed to have such a sensitive loving person such as yourself in it.

While I imagine it may feel impossible to sense any form of inspiration right now, this doesn't mean inspiration is not trying to make its way into your life in a number of ways. If inspiration speaks to you in regard to sending that photo of yourself, what have you got to lose? Simply, a photo of yourself. Perhaps you are being encouraged to share who you are now. How others process this is ultimately up to them. Of course, the choice remains yours.

Positive inspiration is always constructive, never destructive 🙂

[pl515p1]

I feel so defeated, I don’t know what else I can do anymore, I have done everything anyone has asked of me, I try to keep going and pick myself up every time I fall but my energy has almost gone.

It has been 6 months now since I found my father in his bed, and almost 2 months since I found that my mum had died, and my brother is very sick. 6 months of bleakness, hopelessness, darkness and despair, 6 months of putting on a brave face, and one foot in front of another to keep going.

Organising a funeral, trying to contact his friends without their numbers, trying to reconnect with family, trying to maintain a presentable appearance, trying to reconnect with friends, old and new, trying to attend counselling, dispute my ambulance fee, manage finances, try to eat, sleep with nightmares, sleep with beautiful dreams, live in the corner of my living room as everywhere else reminds me of dad, having to go out to a bar to use the toilet, shower while shaking as the bathroom door is opposite of dad’s room, trying to exist in a world of misery.

I sometimes barely make it to counselling as my body crawls there, then I am late and feel guilty, I enrolled in some short courses, I set up an exercise routine, people told me I am doing so well, if they only knew, if they only knew. I have to be truthful and say that the past fortnight has been the most taxing of my life.

I saw a man near where I live, who is almost a twin of my father, even down to the stubble he had on his face on the morning I fond him…

This completely destroyed me, to see him, only it is not him, I want to hug him, I want to yell out to him, but he is not him, he looks so much… Since I saw him again, I have pretty much became a shell.

I barely sleep now as I am having terrible nightmares, some involve seeing dad die in horrible ways, and I wake up drenched, last week I woke up in the middle of the afternoon in a pool of water, well I hope it was water.

From Thursday 11th to Sunday 14th, I did not sleep, I just rode dad’s bike each night for hours, I did not even come home until Saturday, I just sat in a park all night and don’t even know what I did the next day, I thought about riding and never stopping, never coming back, I only came back home because a friend of dad’s called me and she wanted to come over, so I went home and cleaned up to be sure she would not be worried.

[Sophie_M]

Hey pl515p1,

Thanks for reaching out tonight on the Beyond Blue forum. We're so sorry to hear how defeated and exhausted you feel at the moment. We can hear how difficult and painful these last 6 months have been and can imagine anyone in your situation would feel the same. 

We'd like to urge you again to reach out to our Support service or to Griefline, even if it is just to vocalise these thoughts and experience you've been having. Griefline can be reached via phone and their contact information can be accessed through their website Griefline. Our Support Service can be accessed on 1300 22 4636 or www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope you keep updating us here on your thread and let us know how we can help in any way. 

[pl515p1]

How many times can one re-open the wound and not have it take over?

I have had to change counsellor and go through it all, all over again, then I had to explain my situation deeper to another person, I... I don't want to relive this anymore.

Each time I expose the hurt it is harder to close that pain, I am sitting here now, 7 months since dad, 2 months since mum, feeling as if it happened today all over again, when I asked for time off and that person asked me if my condition is temporary or permanent...I think it hit me, this is forever, somehow I thought all I was doing would bring them back to me, I don't know what I was thinking...

I'll never see them again while I am here. Everything I do doesn't matter, just passing time.

Maybe what I did made it into the heart of another person, and that matters, but work, money, time... everything I chased for what?

Another night turns into another day, but those who are gone, remain that way.

[Sophie_M]

Hey pl515p1,

Thanks for reaching out tonight on the Beyond Blue forum. We can hear the pain and grief in your words. Today has been an especially difficult day for many of us and we acknowledge how hard it has been for you. Loss of loved ones is one of the hardest things to experience and it can seem like the pain may go on forever. We want you to know that there is always support available to help lighten this heaviness of grief. We also want you to know that there is healing after a loss although the journey is rarely linear.

Please keep reaching out to our Support service or to Griefline. Having someone to talk to even just to process a bit of what we're going through can be really helpful and it make us feel less alone in our pain. Griefline can be reached via phone and their contact information can be accessed through their website Griefline. Our Support Service can be accessed on 1300 22 4636 or www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Please also keep posting here on your thread and let us know how we can help in any way. 

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

You read my mind. It was just yesterday I was thinking about you, wondering how you're going. You got in first, before I could inquire.

It blows my mind, the amount of people who are not making your life any easier. In the hero's journey there is so much trial and pain before they come to recognise their true nature. There comes that point where the hero looks back and says 'I can't believe I made it through. I can't believe I made it out alive'. I have these thoughts myself, when I look back at my years in depression and how I made it out. For you, the journey is so much harder because of the daily reminders when it comes to loss.

I think about your dad's impact on your life and one of the ways your loss can be felt so deeply. I believe he was in the process of leading you love yourself fully. I believe he was in the process of leading you to find the best in yourself. I believe he may also have been in the process of helping you let go of the past, forgiving yourself completely. Would you say a part of your pain involves the loss of this process? Where you loving and evolving through this process?

If you imagined your dad whispering in your ear, what would he say to you at any given time?

• When it comes to the many saboteurs in your life who are not making things easier, would he say 'Do you think taking sh*t from these people is going to lead you to love yourself?!'
• With that person asking you if your condition is temporary or permanent, would your dad say 'I don't know, you tell me. How long is a piece of string?' How long does it take for a person to find the best in themself when they're in the middle of overwhelming grief? Would he perhaps say 'What a stupid question (temporary or permanent)!'
• When it comes to the process of forgiving yourself, would he perhaps insist in some way 'In order for you to forgive yourself, you need to move forward by giving yourself permission to be exactly the kind of person you want to be. Don't let the past hold you back from becoming this person. I know who you are, who you are going to become. Don't let the idiots get in the way of you becoming this person'

If you were to commit to refocusing on the process your dad helped you begin, what would this look like? What would it take for you to continue, even if it's simply in his honour at this point? If you're on the verge of meeting those who could make a significant difference, how do you imagine you'll recognise them when they show up?

🙂

[pl515p1]

Thank you Sophie_M,

I think I may need to call soon, sometimes the night wants to cruelly linger, and can feel so heavy, I think being inside my head is searching for an ever moving answer, always just out of reach, I know there is support a phone call away, and as things seem to be worsening I have the number, I...I have the number, and there is someone there.


Thank you therising,

I very much want to respond to your wisdom with the thought and care that your words deserve, I don't know if my brain will allow my expression to convey how much I appreciate your words, but please know I do.

I may need to separate this into two posts, please forgive me.

therising,

Your beautiful words of my father give warmth to this cold night, dad believed in me in a way I may never fully understand.

I know I was a burden to him for a long time, but I know also how proud he is/was of me, to know he saw me recover myself before he passed, is a sense of comfort, but I still hold that regret, and it weighs double with not being able to show him in person my appreciation, and to repay him, although I too know that as he is watching me, I can repay his belief in me by carrying on and continuing along my journey of becoming the man I can be.


I see how wise you are, and how you see people in this world who do not understand the depth of grief, I wish the world held more people such as yourself and others here.

In a way I feel that I am walking along a path that you, and many others, have already taken, and the advice and knowledge that wonderful people such as yourself offer, feels to me as symbolic markers that guide the path of this mysterious and unknown journey we are all on.

I feel lost, but then I see a small marking on a tree ahead, to let me know you have been here, I am not alone, and I am going the right way.

But I am also scared, see since that meeting about 12 days ago I have felt so strange, I recall breaking down during the meeting, just seemed that all of this built up anger, sorrow, regret, disbelief and pain all came flooding out, breaking my façade and seemingly my will.

I abruptly left the meeting, came home, threw up, and then I must have either blacked out or fell asleep, cannot remember what happened in the following three days after that.

Continue next post, sorry.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

It sounds like you had a significant meaningful break down (of things) which led to a major vent. I've heard it said before that in order for us to return to a state of homeostasis, we have to purge and purge and purge. I suppose you could say it's like going through 'layers' of dis-ease to find the ideal state of equilibrium. It's kind of like peeling off the layers or events in our life in order to get to the core or who we are. The events themselves do not define us, who we find at the core does.

I've spent the last 15 years or so, since leaving my depression behind me, working hard to get to the core. Some of the 'peeling' has been painful and lonely at times, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness. There have been many tears shed throughout both challenge and liberation, tears that come with a sense of hopelessness and ones that come with a sense of relief and joy, through significant revelations. 'Peeling' can be a highly emotional process at times.

Just yesterday, I felt I finally met with my natural self. It's only taken me 50 years to get there. Being a strong devotee of self understanding, I joined a personal development course for the weekend. Yesterday, we were encouraged to meditate on an emotional issue of our own choosing. I chose 'disappointment' that comes with not being able to detach from certain people who can bring me down. Then being asked to feel where that feeling sat in our body, I felt it in my chest, my heart. Suddenly 'disappointment' changed to 'incredibly deep sadness'. It was the sadness that came with not loving myself. I thought I loved myself but apparently I thought wrong. Being encouraged to channel through our imagination, we were asked to imagine what it would take to heal. Gradually, I imagined my natural self coming up to me smiling, giving me a kiss on the cheek and a hug before saying 'You took your time'. Apparently my natural self is a very patient person who has a lot of plans for me 🙂

So, it's taken me 15 years of devoted work in the practice of consciously coming to know myself which goes to show such a process can be ever so gradual and it can be time consuming but definitely worth the effort. Every significant breakdown and breakthrough can bring you closer to meeting with your true self. The breakdowns come with a break down of the layers. The breakdowns are not a sign of weakness, they're a sign of progress. Our reality can gradually shift through every meaningful breakdown we experience.

🙂