Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

[Guest_161]

Hi, i lost my younger brother in january this year to GVHD after having a transplant from leukaemia, he was 26.

Iv gone through so many emotional stages since he passed but now as time is going on I'm struggling to come to terms with knowing iv lost my only sibling , my best friend, my sons uncle and the person i would call daily to talk about anything or ask stupid questions. I'm so lost in life now and every night getting close to bed time i get these sick feelings he wasn't meant to go there was something else they didnt try, flash backs of his final week when they said there wasn't anything more they caN do but to just make him comfortable now , he basically was asleep 24/7 for 3 or 4 days before he passed but a few days before that he was starting to get confused , i remember him getting scared when a nurse entered n he said no no I'm going home, or if he was in pain looking at me saying please help but the look on his face i had never seen before, when i think of all this my heart races and i clench up , i just feel so sad for him he went through 3 years of pain but every hurdle thrown at him he overcame it like a king but then out of no where from a general hospital stay like any other he had had he never came home .

i dont have a a lot of friends a couple of close ones but iv pulled my self away from them as i just feel like I'm on repeat, and i know no matter how many times i tell them about all this there is only so much they can say back to me before they are just repeating it too and i dont want to continue to burden them with it .

Has anyone else had or been thru something smilier to this

[Bjb_20]

Hi. I am sorry to hear about your brother. I don't have any brothers or sisters, however i lost both my parents in 2015 9 months apart. Mum had mnd so it to was a slow death. Dad got pneumonia and died of heart failure. I too am still struggling. However with mum i try to tell myself its ok as she is no more pain. Not much help but to say you not alone.

[Guest_9809]

Hello Bjb_20. Welcome to the BB Forums and thanks so much for your very comforting post to Guest_161.

I can see that this was your first post overnight. Have you been browsing the Forums for some time? Perhaps you saw Guest's thread and it resonated with you, impelling you to respond.

My most sincere condolences to you for the untimely loss of both your Mum and your Dad back in 2015. My heart goes out to you Bjb, and I'm sorry you have no siblings to help you through the usual grieving process. Yes it may well be a comfort to you knowing that your Mum is no longer in pain, as MND is a very cruel and distressing disease. However that never dulls your own sense of pain over the loss. As has been indicated in my post to Guest, there is no time frame for our grieving process, and I'm sorry you are still struggling.

Have you sought out any grief counselling or spoken to your GP about ways to help you cope? After two successive painful losses, such as you have experienced, it would be fairly normal to become depressed. Do you feel as though that is the case, or have already been diagnosed?

Would you consider opening your own thread to tell us a bit more about yourself? We could direct some more specific advice and support your way if you were happy to do so. You will find that the Forum members here are very helpful and supportive. You may find the interaction with others who have faced similar situations to be a comfort to you.

Again thanks for your input here on Guest's thread, it really does help to know that we are not alone in our personal struggles. Sometimes it may feel that way, but when people such as yourself reach out, it is a big comfort to others.

I hope to hear from you further, and will keep a look out for you.

Taurus

[Guest_161]

Hi sorry i just thought to write back in here as im having a shitty night and just need to get to all out rather then go over it in my head which ill prob still do anyway.
Its coming up 1 year anniversary to my brothers death, the last month have been hard with xmas, new years his bday and now the anniversary, the thoughts of his final week have came back a lot more lately , it breaks my heart so much that it happened to him he was the most kind hearted thoughtful loving person it wasn't fair, i remember the times he getting told he had cancer to being told he wouldnt make it another year i remember him crying and i get soo upset.
I never knew or never asked for some reason weather he was told he was dying and how he reacted to it but tonight because its almost 1 year i was talking about it with my mum saying this day last year he started getting confused ect and that was his liver levels going up, i said was he told he was dieing and my mum said oh yes before they told me ( which i never really got told) i said how did he react and my mum said well he got upset started crying, this destroys me knowing this now i feel so sad at the thought of what he must have thought and then i get angry that my parents had a go at me the morning on the day he passed( i slept there the night before) resulting in me just walking out and my brother passing while i was gone .
I really cant get over this and i miss him so much

[Quercus]

Hello Guest_161,

I'm very sorry your new post got past us. It has been a new days now since you posted. How are you holding up?

The process of someone dying is traumatic for everyone involved. I remember feeling so helpless and angry and guilty when my Grandfather passed away. That feeling has never really left me either. When you really love someone watching them in pain and lost and scared and confused is torture. It is easy to lose yourself in those thoughts and become overwhelmed.

Have you managed to speak to anyone apart from online? The first time I spoke to a medical professional I was an absolute mess. Terrified because I couldn't get the words out. I felt like if I spoke the flood would be released and I would never be able to stop crying.

But this is such an important thing for your own wellbeing. If you let this build inside you will implode. The easiest way to start is by printing your posts and booking a long appointment with your doctor or even better with a psychologist or grief counsellor. Just hand over the printout and let them begin the conversation.

If they aren't willing to read it then they're a crap doctor and you choose another.

Once my psychiatrist told me when you're in a place where you really need help your emotions are just too overwhelming. Too extreme. Too much to cope with. But with help and time (and for me medication too) you will begin to feel emotions less intensely.

I still feel the grief and anger and helplessness that I felt sitting with my Grandad but it is no longer overwhelming. I can feel the sadness but I'm not drowning in it anymore.

That first step is the very hardest. Letting yourself fall apart under the protection and support of a professional. I hope this year you can find it in you to give it a try.

In the meantime as always we are here for you and do care.

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

Oh and if you still want to change your name there is a thread in the welcome section called FAQ by Sophie_M. There is a link there to the email address you need to send your request to.

[Guest_161]

Hi Quercus

Thats ok, i just needed to get it out to someone how i was feeling rather then going over all the thoughts in my head if that makes sense. Im sorry to hear about your grandad.

The post was xmas day so since then iv had his birthday and 1 year anniversary, The week leading up to the 1 year and the actual day was extremly hard, it was like living it all over again and regretting not being there 24/7 in the last days, i cannot explain why i wasn't, i didnt think he would die but at the same time i knew he was , i was delusional i dunno. The thought of living my whole life with out him is something i dont want to do.

I get scared to look at photos somedays, or think about him it just brings up hurtful memories.

i went to a psychologist last year, had 6 sessions and on the 6th session she made a comment about me crying still which made me uncomfortable, im not really interested in seeing anyone else , no one can take away the pain i feel. As for meds, im scared about all the side effects such as weight gain so thats a no go too.

Im depressed which probably doesnt help with it, but i dont want to be happy either because i dont to loose all the memories and be happy hes not here anymore

[Quercus]

Hi Guest_161,

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with a psych. That is a real shame as it has put you off seeking the support you really do need. What about asking your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist? I go to psychotherapy weekly with mine and he just listens. Barely says a word. Just lets me get all the pain off my chest. He doesn't care if I cry or scream or swear. It has been very helpful to me. I'm just trying to show you there are different styles of therapists. It takes trial and error to find one who can help you.

This was important to read...

but i dont want to be happy either because i dont to loose all the memories and be happy hes not here anymore

I suspect depression is speaking there even a little. All those muddled up feelings of guilt and overwhelming sadness. Feeling guilty for being alive. Overwhelming sense of grief. I don't have answers for this I only know what wotked for me. But I wanted you to know this feeling is pretty normal and you're not alone.

I was scared of meds too. Until I realised I was beyond being able to help myself. When I was suicidal the idea of trying meds was no longer as scary as the idea of dying and leaving my kids and hubby behind. Medication is not scary. It just feels like it until you speak to the right sort of psychiatrist or doctor. One who sits you down and takes your fears seriously. Who tells you what side effects are possible and what the plan is if you find the side effects outweigh the benefit.

I know I sound like a bloody rep for a pharmacy (I'm not). I just cannot put into words how reluctant I was to even try. And how ANGRY I was at myself afterwards when I began to see I had sufferred so long needlessly and put myself at risk when I didn't have to.

Grief takes as long as it takes unfortunately but one day you will be able to think of your brother and be sad but also feel the joy of your memory of him. I found a lot of comfort in my faith (do you have a belief system that helps you?). The two most genuinely good people I knew were my Grandparents. So it is fact to me that they are reunited. This gives me comfort. That he is no longer here with me but with the woman he loved most. And that one day when I am old I will see them both again. I say old because they loved me and will want for me to have had a long and happy life too.

[Quercus]

Another thing that helps me is remembering/imagining what they would say to me. When my Grandad passed I had to go too. I had a baby waiting at home for me to breastfeed. I was upset that I wasn't with him.

But then one day I thought of what my Grandfather was like...and I knew if he could have spoken to me he'd have said Nat I know you love me. You don't have to be here for me to feel your love. My great granddaughter is waiting to be fed... it is time for you to go home now and give her a cuddle from me. I knew the man he was. And I have no doubt this is what he would have said. Probably would have added that noone is as gorgeous as him except his great granddaughter. But that was who he was.

If your brother could speak to you what do you think he would say to you? Would he want to comfort you? What sort of a man was he? No need to reply... Just think on it yeah?

I feel so strongly that you need more support offline. Is there any chance you can think of anyone you're willing to reach out to?

I hope I haven't pushed you too hard. I am worried about you.

Nat

[Guest_161]

Hi thanks for your replies, and sorry i have not written back , just feel like an old broken record on repeat. But i want to know if parents forget they still have a child or forget there still parents if 1 child has passed, as this is what im feeling like lately

My mum and i had always been like best friends, we did everything together,but since my brother has passed we just started to not get along, she leaned on other people for support and because of that i guess she felt as she wasn't leaning on me she didnt need to support me either.but i would say in the last 9 months i feel like she only cares about her self and she's that much rapped up in her self, and getting together with her friends she's forgotten that she is still a mother.The first pretty big argument was in october last year i caught her messaging an old friend of mine , i stopped talking to this friend for very good reasons, my mother was never even her friend when i was and quite frankly called her a name when i was so not only did it hurt to find that out she also told this friend whats going on in my life but chucked in some lies, i felt if your own mother cant stick up for you then who can you trust.she's always got time to go out shopping with her friends, out for tea, but it just feels she's forgotten im here. Unless its me asking to go shopping then we wouldnt go anywhere at all,I would have thought given from how close we were, and the only child she has left she would want to get past any argument we have , the only communication i get from her now is hows her grandson doing ( my son).Last week i had gastro , she took my son over night, i got woken to the next day her knocking on my door with my son telling me hes sick so hes not at school and she needs to go to work, did not even ask how i was, when i said to her why couldn't you take the day off and watch him as im also still sick she says she has to work , now i know she could have easily taken the day off to look after family, given

im also struggling with my son and some issues with my son and school it upset me .And today i find out she's organising with my brothers gf and his mates gf to go for lunch next weekend, not once 14 months has she even asked me her own daughter to go for lunch.So given all that, no friends no family and struggling with depression and my son i starting to loose how to live and find any motivation to leave the house

[Cathy_S]

Hi, I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. I had to reply after reading your last post. I've lost my 28 yro son to suicide 9 May 2016.I'm on here to find out what to do with my feelings of depression, that could be a phase of grieving too. I'm still figuring that out. I'm on several child loss sites that help me to vent to parents who are going through the same. I don't feel all alone anymore. I have other children and am sure they sometimes feel neglected. But they also understand I lost my child, the same as they are to me. We all lost the same person . But you have to understand the loss of your child is different to the loss of a sibling. There is no logic to a mum's grief. And what I understand from your last post you're seeking for logic. One of the sites I'm on also has a loss of a sibling part. My daughter is a member. 

I wish you all the best x