Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

[Guest_161]

Hi, i lost my younger brother in january this year to GVHD after having a transplant from leukaemia, he was 26.

Iv gone through so many emotional stages since he passed but now as time is going on I'm struggling to come to terms with knowing iv lost my only sibling , my best friend, my sons uncle and the person i would call daily to talk about anything or ask stupid questions. I'm so lost in life now and every night getting close to bed time i get these sick feelings he wasn't meant to go there was something else they didnt try, flash backs of his final week when they said there wasn't anything more they caN do but to just make him comfortable now , he basically was asleep 24/7 for 3 or 4 days before he passed but a few days before that he was starting to get confused , i remember him getting scared when a nurse entered n he said no no I'm going home, or if he was in pain looking at me saying please help but the look on his face i had never seen before, when i think of all this my heart races and i clench up , i just feel so sad for him he went through 3 years of pain but every hurdle thrown at him he overcame it like a king but then out of no where from a general hospital stay like any other he had had he never came home .

i dont have a a lot of friends a couple of close ones but iv pulled my self away from them as i just feel like I'm on repeat, and i know no matter how many times i tell them about all this there is only so much they can say back to me before they are just repeating it too and i dont want to continue to burden them with it .

Has anyone else had or been thru something smilier to this

[Guest_161]

is anyone there ?

[solabear]

Hey there....

I'm so sorry about your brother, it's very sad and devastating. I can not even imagine what you're going through as I haven't lost anybody so close to me. But I'm here for you and good on you posting and reaching out.

Have you talked to GP about how you feel? meds or counselling can help. I look forward hearing from you

hugs

Sola

[Guest_9809]

Hi Guest, I'm here! But I fortunately have not been through anything similar to you, which is why I had not responded. But I read your post with deep sadness for your loss and for your dear brothers suffering. So young and so precious, and so unfair that he had to go as he did.

You were obviously very close. I am very close to my brother too, who is going through a dreadful time currently. He was involved in a car accident where his young daughter was killed. He is now deeply depressed with self harm thoughts. I speak to him regularly as I am his primary support person on his emergency safety plan. Certainly the worst thing I can imagine would be to also lose my brother after having already lost my 11 year old niece.

Overwhelming grief is a tough one, and its only been 5 months. There is no time limit when it comes to grief. Have you considered having some grief counselling? It could be worth trying. I will quickly send this off so you arent waiting too long. And if you would like to chat further, please post again.

Taurus xx

[Guest_9809]

I'm still here Guest, if you would like to reply. Its now 11.15pm, and I expect to be around until around 11.30pm. I will look out for a reply from you. You arent alone and you are amongst friends here. Everyday people like you and I, who have struggled with mental health problems including grief. You will receive a kind and understanding hearing here when you need it. I'm sorry your post was not replied to earlier, I suspect it was posted last night when people had finished up for the night. And with some heavy traffic during today, it slipped out of the new posts front page. That unfortunately happens on the odd occasion. Are you still about?

Taurus

[Guest_161]

Thanks for responding, i think you have been through something similar , you've still lost someone close.

I was very close with him yes, i was also his first donor for his stem cell transplant but he relapsed 18m later, i know it wasn't my fault but i still feel guilty i couldn't save him and guilty that I'm living and he isn't .

iv been contacted by the hospital about counselling and i tried on 2 occasions to go but on the day i couldn't do it, i know once i walk in the room and they ask the first question I'm going to be a bubbling mess so i thought ild try this first as its over the computer and i can cry and write and the same time

[Guest_9809]

Ahh, good ... you are there.

Losing someone close is dreadfully hard. I still grieve for my niece. We didnt live nearby at the time, but remained close. My niece rang me a few hours before the accident in which she was killed. She was so excited, so full of life and joy. I still remember that conversation, and when the hurt comes, I remind myself how happy she was that day. Our departed loved ones feel no pain, and your brother and my niece will remain forever young. I know that is little consolation, but sometimes that is all we have, and it has to be enough.

As for guilt, well that is a very self destructive emotion. You know in your own heart that you did everything you possibly could for your brother, in fact more than most could or would by donating stem cells. No mean feat.

My brother feels guilt too about his daughters death. He was driving the car you see. Although it wasnt his fault, he still blames himself for what happened. Wondering if there was something he could have done that would have prevented the accident, even leaving home just 20 seconds later than he did. But it wasnt his fault, it was a freak accident. But because he cannot see past his own idea that he must somehow be to blame, then he has become such as risk for self harm. He is also plainly still grieving the loss of his beloved only daughter.

I would strongly urge you to follow up on the grief counselling. Yes you may well end up a bawling mess, but that is a release in itself, and its important that you do so. Counsellors have seen it all before, you are not unique.

But by all means, please also continue to discuss your thoughts and feelings here as you would like to. There are some fun threads in the BB Social Zone which you might like to contribute to as well. Its a good way to connect with other people and to take your mind off things for a bit.

Its very important that you dont isolate yourself Guest. And that you continue to get out and do things you enjoy. Whether that is going out to a movie, coffee with family friends or work colleagues, or walking the dog. Anything to get you out and doing normal everyday things.

You will always miss your brother, always regret that he is no longer a part of your life. But one day it will be the good times you remember, and not the bad ones. And he will always be in your heart.

I need to go to bed now Guest, but I will check back in with you in the morning. I hope you get some restful sleep.

Taurus

[Guest_161]

Thats sad she was so young life really isn't fair sometimes is it.

straight after my brother passed i wondered if there really was a god , to put someone thru 3 years of pain he was 1 month of finishing his carpentry apprenticeship , full of life a big gym junkie , never did wrong to anyone but to suffer that pain only to take him in the end when there is so much people out there that dont appreciate life , murder people and live a long life isn't fair, then i thought well the saying god only takes the best i now see is true.

i havent been to see a doctor yet but from reading about depression/anxiety, ptsd i think I'm suffering from them a bit, i cant attend any family shows atm , things like that were something my brother and i would travel too together and its a painful memory to think we never will again and ill no longer have him there to talk too.little things like tv shows that are on once a year n have recently been on when i watch them it reminds me of last winter when he was around , lots of little things just trigger off painful memories .

sorry if i dont write back quick enough , i also dont know how to change my name from guest ?

[geoff]

hello Guest, firstly I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your younger brother, sometimes we can't say words that will be able to relieve any pain and sorrow that you are suffering from, please accept my most sincere condolences.
Briefly if I'm correct you can change your name by going to your 'My Profile' and there you can change your name and if you have a photo that also can be changed.
You can't hide your grievance, you need to let it out, go to your doctor and never be afraid to show your emotions, the number of times I cried to my GP and psychologist, well it might be easier to say the number of times I didn't cry, there is NO shame to open up, you have lost your brother and to you that means so much, let your grief show.
There is always a box of tissues in their office, that tells you how many times people cry when they are with them, because they are suffering just like you are, so please do not be frightened. Geoff.

[Guest_9809]

You're so right Guest, and I totally agree with you about "God only taking the best". It is a comforting thought in a way. When I think of all the young beautiful good people who were taken way too young, life seems to be totally unfair.

I feel that way about my little 11yo niece and also my very first boyfriend who also lost his life in a car accident when he was only 23. They were beautiful souls, enjoyed life to the full, were happy and joyous. My niece died almost 2 years ago and my boyfriend 30 odd years ago, with the anniversary only last week in fact. I still have tears when I think of them, and that will always be the case. But rather than the initial deep grief, it has become a gentler emotion over the years. Rather than an uncontrollable torrent of tears, it is now more of a welling of tears in the eyes. And then I push my thoughts to the happy times, rather than my own feelings of loss.

With my boyfriend, whenever I hear a certain song it instantly reminds me of him. For my niece, she was an extremely gifted little athlete who represented her state in athletics and cross country. Whenever I see school sports carnivals or athletics events I think of her. And horses, becauses typical of a little country girl, she adored horses. She was about to get her first pony delivered the week after the accident, that of course never happened.

Initially these memories would spark deep despair. These days it has lessened and I see the happier side of things, where they had great enjoyment during their lives. We cannot lose sight of that. The fact that, although their life was so cruelly cut short, they managed to have some wonderful times in that short life. And they have provided some truly beautiful memories for those of us who have been left behind.

I know its something you have heard before Guest, but time does ease the hurt. Your brother was brave, clever, very much loved. Grief will take its own time, so dont try to push yourself out of it. Let it take its course. Acknowledge it and give yourself permission to express your feelings.

Here for you if you want to discuss things further. Sometimes talking about it helps. Sending you a comforting hug.

Regarding profile name change from Guest, I am not sure if it can be done through the My Profile option, you may need to request any changes via email. I will try to find out and let you know.

Taurus xx