Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[quirkywords]

tom

this is a wonderful thread for you to write and others to share their grief whether is recent or like me 2 decades ago. 
These days are so early and your feelings and emotions may surprise you ate time.

One thing I did with my dad was only to remember when I was so mean to him and I kept being mad at myself until I realised we had a relationship where we could be honest with each other. i was lucky I wrote to him a few years before he died telling him how much I loved him and appreciated him. I said we were oth alike and stubborn 
He replied yes we are stubborn but hut I was more stubborn than him. That memory made me laugh. 
also.  By writing here you have a record of your feelings about your dad. 

Take care 

[smallwolf]

He was quite narrow minded on quite a few things.

I wanted once to explain to him a few things, perhaps in the effort to the kindle something. This was after a chat with my psychiatriest. At the time, Mum put the kybosh on that idea, that he wound not understand (or at least confused). This might have been the case, but we are also talking 4 years ago and in my view he was mostly cognitive. I do know that sometime after that point in time, I did find out that when he was young, (said that) he had self-esteem issues. Although we did not explore that topic further at the time - perfectionism was one. I could speculate on other contributing factors but they would be mere guesses. While knowing might help, it would not change much otherwise.

And as a I write this I would add that life might have been stressful for a number of reasons. When I was 8, were transferred interstate to the place Dad at least did not want to go. Changes occuring at place of employment when we moved back to Qld. Family expectations. The high interest rates of the 80s. This is just off the top of my head.

And I feel like a asshole for being critical of him.

Some of this I was only aware of when preparing his eulogy, and now writing this.

Writing and understanding some of this ... now ... well, provides some clarity to work out a way of moving forward. Not that I am stationary. And mourning the relationship that never was.

[white knight]

Hi Tim,

I hope you are OK.

My mother is 93yo this year and I stopped all contact in 2010. 

When she passes on I'll have mixed emotions. I'll recall that narcissistic, blackmailing, triangulating, dominant, wedding destroying individual. Then I'll mourn the nurturing mother prior to 12yo. Beyond 12 we kids developed our own minds and that became opposing.

There's no escape from mourning what should be grieved for and they have no escape from their chosen harsh inflictions.

Keep safe

TonyWK 

[indigo22]

Hi Tim,

Every person is made up of good and not so good qualities, there is no rule book that says you can only talk about the good qualities after a person is gone. You are not being an asshole, you are simply seeing the man from all sides.

My dad was difficult most of the time. We had some yelling matches over the years. I recall one time, he raised his hand to hit me and mum got in between us to stop it. He would not support what I wanted to do with my life (I knew what I wanted to do at the age of 12), but was so happy when I got jobs I didn't want and then got angry when I couldn't hold down a job. He never taught us anything, I remember my brother saying to him, don't just fix the car for me, teach me how to fix it myself.

When I was in my 20s (I think), I asked him to come into the kitchen so we could talk. Instead of talking, I ended up blubbering, telling him I couldn't understand why he had to so narrow minded, pig headed, judgemental and angry all the time. He was quiet until I finished what I had to say and calmly replied "I don't know what you are talking about". Apparently he was the only person who couldn't see it. I do recall that I felt in some small way, he respected me more after that confrontation.

On the positive side, there was a quirky humorous side to him that we only saw occasionally, so when I think of him now, I remember those funny moments along with the moments I wish had been different.

We can love them, and acknowledge that their parents lacked good parenting skills which caused them some damage, while still acknowledging the damage that their lack of good parenting skills caused us, wether or not it was intentional.

It sounds to me like you broke the cycle with your kids, even if you think you may have made some mistakes.

Be gentle with yourself Tim, it will get easier with time.

indigo

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf 

Thank you for the interesting piece of information about grieving originally being a process for the dying. I had forgotten that vital point.  Makes sense and many do their own grieving if they have the opportunity to. That is actually comforting to know. 

I can see that you are reflecting on your dad's life experiences.

When our parents do not communicate how they feel about things we can only contemplate. This still helps us communicate with ourselves. This in turn helps this grieving process along with many other strategies. Different for all of us.

Timing is a factor.

Criticising ourselves for feeling many different emotions about others is a part of finding some sort of understanding also.  None of this is measurable really.

 You know all of this already. I find reading the thoughts of others who are grieving to be a wonderful way to recall so much that I already know. The knowledge lost within the midst of the grief. 

The eulogy is a means to not only be a way of honouring and respecting the deceased, also another opportunity to release some of the reader's turmoil.  A tribute offered to include the loved ones and guests in their grieving.

It is warming to read that you are finding writing about this stage of your life on here of help. You have strong support here; a huge comfort for you.

I know without a doubt that you have given much support to others and now is your time to receive.

Take care of smallwolf and the love you share with your son.

Ems

[smallwolf]

Hi Ems,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

You are right that contemplating our parents' experiences, even when they don't communicate them directly, can still provide insight and aid in our own grieving process.

Writing about my experiences here has been a source of comfort and support for me, and I'm grateful for the understanding and encouragement I've received and from you - in trying to make sense of it all. I have probably said this before but being the emotional one in the family I expected more (sadness) from myself. I know this next bit was a time ago... to give an example of the contradiction I felt sadder when my pet cat died (a couple of years ago). I joke about the having more feelings for animals than people ...

Each of us navigates grief in our own unique way, and timing plays a significant role in how we process our emotions.

Self-reflection and acceptance of our feelings, even when they seem conflicting, are important steps toward understanding and healing. This is something I spoke with my psychologist about last week, particularly the last posts I wrote here. It is what it is...

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf,

How lovely to be thanked for my attempts to support you. This is a subject that is difficult to discuss in real life with people whom I do not know well. It is reassuring to know that you are exploring those troubling thoughts in a safe environment on the forums with all of those who are here for you as well as with your psychologist. Yes it is an ongoing journey as different emotions arise bringing further questioning with the hope of a better acceptance of this part of life. I still ask myself when am I going to come out of this. I think the answer might be that the grief will be a part of me that I learn to hold in a special place. I therefore will no longer have loss, I will have more. I hope that is not too deep for you smallwolf.  Just skip past anything that does not sit well with you. I hope that you know that you are helping me in return by including me. I sense that you are on this journey with your son each differently yet side by side.

Take care

Ems

I can tell that you are expecting much from yourself and this reminds me of how I think at times. Your expecting to be sad is probably a natural response as we are taught this if not at home, at schools. Sadness is a different emotion in my way of thinking. I think that you might be describing a numbness prevalent in the early stages of loss. Again different for everyone. A sense of disbelief and perhaps even non acceptance. I remember feeling this way myself this is why I have mentioned this.

Joking now my dark humour came to the fore which completely floored me. I am a sensitive, emotional being also. Not sure if you are sensitive. You might have empathy and therefore feel more intuitively.  Interesting how our family members who do not express their feelings are quick to judge us for being able to express. That is my life experience. I now understand this better thanks to years of therapy.

Yes it is what it is.... life has many sides.  A very wise person once told me that we cannot have empathy and strong love without pain.

[white knight]

Hi Smallwolf

I dont know if this will help. My fisrst xmas after my marriage break up the March earlier 1996, 2 young kids. Emotional as I arrived in the town to collect my angels. Overcome I had to stop driving and after my hystericals stopped wrote this imaginary story. I have found grief much easier to cope with since I took up writing as my soother. Do you write?

DADDY’S PRESENT written 12/96

It’s Christmas day at mummy’s house; my daddy will soon collect me

Along with my little sister, bright lights on our Christmas tree

Daddy alone the night before as his Christmas Eve did end

No little girls to keep him happy, I think he just pretends

We wait for him to drive here pretty as we can be

Back at daddy’s brand new house, Helen and Gran wait for me

Ten minutes to go I in the front yard till my daddy and me will greet

My ball I play gets away and rolls onto Marshbank Street

I chase and run really quick and an accident had begun

I didn’t have a chance you see-from where that car did come

I lay here then hear my mum then the pounding of daddy’s heart

Their cries an echo of my mind that I about to part

Why she still not look at him? He has tried and tried so much

Maybe he did something wrong to make her lose that touch

I can’t open my pretty eyes to see my daddy’s face

Wipes my tears first with a rag, then my dress-the lace

“Merry Christmas daddy” I mumble, and then red covers my eyes

Mummy doesn’t even say hello-that’s why daddy cries

With a moment left I do look and see them for a while

Daddy searching mummy’s face but for him there is no smile

Just a little one mummy please, he did love me really lots

You think there are all these smudges, but they’re just little blots

As I drift away forever she stern all the while

My daddy tries to be her friend but never gets a smile

Finally as my angel wings grow I show him I loved him lots,

I glance back to give him that smile-the one he never got…

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hey Tony and Ems,

At my last session with my psychologist we spoke about my feelings about Dad ... the conclusion was that

"it is what it is"

that's me sorta paraphrasing the outcome. I saw a meme about love which I could apply to this situation. Perhaps the best way I could describe it was 2 images - the top half showed how it appears in a movie and the bottom image was real life and these are like polar opposites of each other. 

@Ems... I am a sensitive person and you maybe right about those who can't are jealous of those who can show their feelings. I could put a few different negative spins on it as well, but refraining from that. I am learning. 

[quirkywords]

Smallwolf

i am finding this thread helpful and emotional . My dad died years ago an I never saw a grief or any counsellor. I mentioned before I write letters to him on computer and that helped. 

It is what it is but in our society we expect grief has a use by date. 17 years after my dad died I can grieve if there is a trigger or a memory.