Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[Emotions26]

Hello white knight

I am treading carefully here as I know that this was written for smallwolf.

If I was to say that was so profound it would not do your words justice.

There is so much within your writing and I am left feeling pain and so many questions that are not for me to ask.

I can only say how strong and brave you are without knowing you.

I do feel as though I have trespassed so want to add that you need not reply to me.

I am an observer.

ems

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf

If you feel heard and safe with the answer that you gave then that is the answer to what you seek.

Personally memes are consoling at times but not answers for me.

It is not about my or anyone else being right it is about how you feel smallwolf.

In my thinking nobody is "right"

Everything is speculative. We can all only strive to get through life and along with real life experience, add different perspectives that we encounter.

For me it is the feeling and experience that matters. This is possibly different for you and others.

I would love to hear your "few different negative spins."

Please do not refrain as you are then censoring your very own experience of grief and being you.

You still recognise that you are learning, hopefully within yourself.

I love that you are so open and honest.

That is what is the foundation of everything in my world.

smallwolf you are working through your grief in your way and that in my book is the only way to be true to yourself.

Ems

[white knight]

For me this thread is welcomed for it raises so many questions.  People can grieve for a loved one even though their history together was abrasive or had "history". How does one sort through that?

Throughout our lives we might be in a similar situation one day. 

I feel for you SW.

TonyWK 

[Emotions26]

Hello quirkywords, smallwolf, whiteknight,

Responding to your post about grief from the past and society expecting it to be "dealt with". Having a use by date is a very good way of making a bold statement about something which cannot be further from the truth.

My father passed away in 1999 after being in and out of hospital for nearly two years. My stoic, strict family dealt with it so coldly and swiftly without my being included in making arrangements. It was probably the coldest funeral that I have ever been to. My mum's funeral 17 months ago again controlled by twin lacked any warmth also. I still to this day lovingly remember my dad and tears will flow without warning at times. This is as smallwolf mentioned a part of "it is what it is". If we can say those words to ourselves, in a loving, caring, kind way we are not only honouring our loved one but importantly ourselves. Our love is precious and not to be taken for granted even though in reality often is. If we can learn to not be like those who behave in that manner; dismissing our feelings, we can help ourselves through the fog of the grief, gradually.

Life continues on and the number of losses pile up. This is life in reality. Yesterday I had news of the loss of a dear friend, again I knew this was coming. She had advanced alzheimers and only husband was allowed to visit. This took me back to my last days with mum, similar circumstances. I stayed with her. Visiting the husband yesterday to  support me was hard for all of us yet at the same time a means to sit in the numbness of her loss.

At the same time I am supporting my friend who lost her young husband on New Years Day. Trying to support her would be a better way of describing as she is all over the place and insists on texting me which does my head in. It is how she wants to communicate. I try to find a balance between brief ph calls and texts.

This is a reminder that life and loss continues and is inevitable. I am expressing this almost poetically for want of a better word. Some might feel that this is depressing to read.

As you said quirkywords you wrote about your dad on the computer. That helped.

Whiteknight you write poetry. Smallwolf you have created this space to write about your questions as they arise. You have your psychologist.

In a sense some of this feels absurd to me at times. I too have a therapist. Also recently referred to a grief counsellor.

Humans are not alike. Some are more predictable and robotic than others. Some are more expressive.

Other cultures deal with all of this so openly with ceremonies, wailing and rituals. I wish that I could travel somewhere and be a part of that. 

This space emanates calm for me. smallwolf thank you and all contributors supporting you.

Thank you for helping me feel less alone with this.

Ems

[white knight]

Hi EMA

RE: "Some might feel that this is depressing to read". Well, my poem would be very depressing to read however on this topic there is no way of avoiding that. To prove the power of writing is why I posted it, it was one of the lowest points of my life (all of 1996) and writing helped. So we are all typing for the greater good, intentionally with possible side effects.

I have found in the last 10 years that I indeed have many choices. If I attended a "cold funeral" I'd walk out. My mental health is paramount. It's no good enduring it then my wife is left to pick up the pieces. Same with when my MIL was in hospital 3 days prior to passing, an incredible person, loved her heaps, my wife and her auntie were present and I left knowing I wouldnt see her again. Apparently she asked where I went, she could never quite grasp my high emotions, so I went home and made some lunch for the family when they returned. 

Last year we attended my wifes nephews funeral. 26yo and a suicide. I wrote a poem and as always sat on the end of a row of seats for an easy exit. All was good until I knew they were about to read my poem and I had to exit, no way could I sit through that reading and not burst into tears.

Anything, anywhere I am feeling uncomfortable I exit. Also I'm constantly struggling with balancing my life, rejecting ideas that seem good. eg men shed, part of me wants to attend yet I know I would get offended by control freaks that have no idea how to talk to men.

Self protection, one of the best adoptions I've made in my life. It's relevant here as we have discussed, Smallwolf can make his choices as his feelings evolve.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

I'm not sure who I was initially responding to, but someone asked about dealing with negative thoughts.

Some people perceive me as being overly sensitive in how I react emotionally. To others, not so much. There are a couple thoughts on this:

First, regarding the notion that it's seen as a weakness for men to show emotion - I'll skip over that idea. Instead, I'll use the word "conforming." Generally, people tend to be uncomfortable when others display strong emotions because they don't know how to handle it. I conditioned myself not to show emotion as a protection mechanism through negative reactions from others. If you openly express emotion and it leads to negative consequences, why would you do it again? So perhaps it wasn't jealousy from others, but an attempt to make me conform to societal norms around emotional expression.

By conditioning myself to not show emotion around certain people, does that make me similar to them in suppressing emotions? It's something I've thought about. I find it unhelpful to talk about the dead in negative ways also - who does it help?!  I also talk about the illusion of caring - it's a reflection of where I come from and how I am and retaining the protective shell. 

[white knight]

Hi SW

As part of my recent research into my psychologist claim I'm high functioning Aspergers, the book "the complete guide to Aspergers " mentions how we carry out our connections with people more on emotional levels than the typical communication. Eg we read others facial changes, voice eg lump in the throat, watery eyes or any sudden silence then we unleash our empathy and so forth. 

So, essentially I'm opposite to "conforming" even though particularly in the armed forces the "weak emotional man" belief was a conventional state of mind. Why? I think because to conform I'd be fighting my real self so much I'd be very unhappy, wearing a mask etc and there was eventually a portion of me that was resentful of people being themselves with their own quirks but frowning on me for what I felt was/is a tender kind and empathetic nature. Eg how dare they criticise an empath when they are a scoundrel,  a cheater, a manipulator, a .....?

I wasn't challenged for my spilling emotions as a boy by family only school students, the usual teasing. So never pressured to store emotions in a cupboard. As a boy and man however, I did feel abnormal. Vindication only came with diagnosis, a kind of justification for being Quirky rather than a weird.

Don't know where I was going with this except I should imagine we take our road of how we deal with conforming or rebellion either naturally or under pressure. 

Under pressure to conform, suppressing emotions would be like someone instructing one to place your sensitivity in a box and they sitting on it.

Either way both are suppressive imo, leading to us trying constantly as adults to sort it all for some peace.

TonyWK 

[smallwolf]

My earlier memory was being teased for liking a girl on the station where I lived when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I guess it was something I was not used to. I am a sensitive person and easily embarrassed. I think also that I was not shown (?) how to laugh something off. And obviously talking in hindsight here. Through the years (up to when I was say 20+) I feel the teasing was something constant - whether it was in what I wore, my hair, musical tastes, intelligence, sporting abilities (or lack thereof), hobbies. Well, that is what it felt like. Some of the things said were more than teasing and intentional put downs. Or felt like it. It is what it is and I cannot change whatever happened.

I also noticed what the effect of teasing or bullying when I was in high school - either on the school bus or at school. That showed me if I put myself out there or something happened, there was a target on your back.

So what did I do? Heck. I did the obvious thing... I put it all into little (figuratively speaking) little boxes - that one day would be released. 

At the dinner table the joke was I was son of the milkman... left hander in a right-handed family, blonde hair where everyone else had dark hair, not artistic or athletic or smart where the others were, the list goes on.

We each have our own coping mechanisms, whether they are good or bad.

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf and WK

I am a mess at the moment.

The funeral of my late friend was so emotional for me yet helped me feel closer to her as I was unable to say goodbye due to her being in a locked facility.

The funeral wake was special in it's own way until a family member of the deceased lost it and well!

I am still in shock and left with Why. Yet I have experienced narcissistic behaviour myself too many times in my life. Why am I still shocked? I think triggered and shaken as it goes against every grain in my body.

Disrespect to so many above all. Why could he not think of his Nana? I feel so distraught.

Sorry

Ems

[white knight]

Hi Ems,

I recently explained on this forum somewhere that I attended the funeral of my wife's nephew, he was only 26yo and cherished. I'd written a poem as I'd dont for many funerals over many years and they planned to read it out. I deliberately sat on a chair at the end of a row of seats, ready for the unexpected- was I going to get upset? was someone else going to get upset, maybe they will read into the poem in a different way and yell out etc. My plan was to exit immediately something like that occurs. No different at a education lecture, I'd sit at the back and exit easily.

This is a form of self protection that should be considered for everyone particularly those with mental health issues.

Another one is- I rarely visit the burial. A service is enough for me. But my dear wife like to and she needs my support. In this case we went but I asked my wife if we could stand behind her brother (the mans dad) and she agreed as she wanted to support him. It turned out I was comfortable looking at the sky there, thinking about something else.

So Ems, you might need to - expect the unexpected with humans, do whatever you can do in your own comfort zone and make yourself a priority.

At that wake with preparation you could have simply walked out and allow the fanfare to happen with no personal cost to you. 

"Why am I still shocked?" well thats natural for your personality, these events you'd assume there to be little talk and everyone to be quiet... if so you wouldnt be in the mode of "expect the unexpected". BTW, I learned that from my prison service- only prisoners knew when a riot was going to occur, we officers didnt hence the saying.

Take care

TonyWK