Grief and loss

Support and advice following the loss of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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shesawallflower my mum died and i miss her badly.
  • replies: 13

Im 28 years old and my mum died VERY EXEXPECTEDLY with a massive stroke/brain annerysm in November 2017. It was quite confronting as my brother, dad and I sat with her for days in ICU on life support completly unconcious where we told we had to turn ... View more

Im 28 years old and my mum died VERY EXEXPECTEDLY with a massive stroke/brain annerysm in November 2017. It was quite confronting as my brother, dad and I sat with her for days in ICU on life support completly unconcious where we told we had to turn it off. It all went so fast and we just had to deal with what happend. Its been a year and a half but Im feeling like the grief is becoming a little harder. People who have/are experiencing greif. How long does it last? I know there is no right or wrong answer and I know everyone is different. But im just so mentally tired and drained from being so sad and not letting go. My boyfriend has been so supportive, I think its so unfair for him that I am so emotional all the time.

Cass310321 Mental Health & My Dog
  • replies: 3

A year ago I survived Domestic Violence after realising I’d been mentally and emotionally abused for 2 years. Unfortunately due to my loneliness in the relationship I had gotten a Labrador puppy just a month earlier. The domestic violence lead to hos... View more

A year ago I survived Domestic Violence after realising I’d been mentally and emotionally abused for 2 years. Unfortunately due to my loneliness in the relationship I had gotten a Labrador puppy just a month earlier. The domestic violence lead to hospitalisation, homelessness, coming to realise I was a drug addict thanks to my ex, quitting my job to go to rehab and then also finally after 8 months of begging for help, finally getting a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, CPTD, insomnia, substance abuse and I already had suffered depression for 20 years as well as anxiety. it’s been a year since my world fell apart. I’ve worked tirelessly to keep my puppy. I’ve worked so hard to train him each and everyday. We live in a 2 bedroom flat with a small backyard where he gets bored. We have no money and I need to work. But he will destroy the place while I’m at work. And I know I’ll be tired when I get home as I am still considered to be in a crisis situations despite it being a year on. I have such guilt that it’s just him and me and he whines out of boredom despite me walking him twice a day. The breeder I purchased him off made us sign a contract saying that if he needs to be rehomed he must be taken back to her to get a good home which is good. But if I do give him up how do I live with myself? If it wasn’t for him I’d be dead a million times over this past year. But if I didn’t have him I wouldn’t have any anxiety about working, I’d be able to focus on my recovery and wellness and exercise and health. But for so long it’s been either me or him and I alway choose to have his needs tended too first. I see him as a child. I don’t know what to do, and borderline personality can’t be fixed with a pill. It’s lifelong. I don’t know how we will survive financially for the next 10-14 years if I can’t work due to my anxiety over leaving him. I m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. His 15 months old now and 37.5kgs. The vet can’t believe his size. And it’s caused problems such as him pulling me to my knees 5 times over the period of 3 weeks injuring my meniscus. I’m scared I’ll never run again. And I used to run and weight train before Covid for mental health.I even did a half marathon. As I said, it’s either him or me and I never choose myself so I suffer.

Amandam Struggle
  • replies: 1

Hi I don’t know if this right place to post this or asks for assistance but here goes, I lost my father 20 months ago to suicide and then my mother 4 1/2 months ago to suicide also. I decided after my fathers passing to study through tafe nsw but aft... View more

Hi I don’t know if this right place to post this or asks for assistance but here goes, I lost my father 20 months ago to suicide and then my mother 4 1/2 months ago to suicide also. I decided after my fathers passing to study through tafe nsw but after my mothers passing I can’t seem to function or seek right resources I’m looking for individuals feedback or opinions on the following question How is mental health marginalised in your community in the following areas of work and life:Political

Earth Girl Is it normal not to cry much when your pet dies?
  • replies: 6

Last year around this time, my cat passed away because he was very old. When I saw him dying at home, I cried a little bit, but I wasn't a wreck. My parents were also sad, but I don't think they cried. I went to work because otherwise I would have be... View more

Last year around this time, my cat passed away because he was very old. When I saw him dying at home, I cried a little bit, but I wasn't a wreck. My parents were also sad, but I don't think they cried. I went to work because otherwise I would have been at home by myself with my cat dying which would have been hard. All day, I felt really weird. When I got home, my Mum told me she made an appointment with the vet to put him down. When we got there, and this is going to sound strange I guess, we probably seemed quite happy. When my Mum saw the vet she said "Here is a very old, little Grandpa" and the vet asked us how long we had him for and I said since I was in year 5. At the time I was thinking more about how I was happy that my cat lived a long, happy life rather than the fact that I was losing him and I think my Mum was thinking in the same way. The vet took him to the other room to see another vet to organize things and then came back out and put him back on the table and Mum and I were patting him as the injection was going in and then he passed away. The vet then asked if we wanted some time alone and I said I would so she went to the next room and closed the door and as Mum and I were talking, I heard her quietly laugh and say to the other vet "I think I would have been worser off." The next day, Dad wrote an email to my sisters to let them know that he passed away and my older sister was sad, but she wasn't broken (I think she thought of it in the same way I did as well), but my younger sister was extremely upset. I think his passing actually affects me more these days than it did on the day. I sometimes have dreams about him and wake up crying and when I think about him, it makes me emotional, like right now. Only just a few days ago, I told my parents what the vet said and they said "She just meant she would have been more upset if it was her" and I said I know, but it felt like she was also saying that I didn't care much about my cat and my Mum said "if she meant it like that, she wouldn't have that job, she would get fired." I'm still not sure though because I've had people bully me straight to my face several times and my parents couldn't even tell they were bullying me or when they could, they would just make excuses for the person and laugh it off. Also, the vet didn't think I would be able to hear her.

Gracieester Sibling estrangement
  • replies: 1

My sister will often hurt me by cutting off contact with me for months at a time. When she does answer my calls she says I have done nothing, get over it and move on. I am left bewildered, sad and so miserable. I never know what has caused her to be ... View more

My sister will often hurt me by cutting off contact with me for months at a time. When she does answer my calls she says I have done nothing, get over it and move on. I am left bewildered, sad and so miserable. I never know what has caused her to be like this toward me. Just now she has cut off contact with me for twelve months. She won't answer the phone and returned an unopened birthday present to me. Please, can anyone help me. I am 69 and my sister is seven years older. She has a husband who spends his time in another part of the house and she has no friends to speak of. Thank you

Lou-ie Shouldn’t have died in iso
  • replies: 2

My Dad died of cancer in late 2021. Dad should have died surrounded by people who love him but sadly he died alone in a COVID isolation hospital ward.He died alone because of extreme/illogical COVID rules that prevented his loved ones being with him.... View more

My Dad died of cancer in late 2021. Dad should have died surrounded by people who love him but sadly he died alone in a COVID isolation hospital ward.He died alone because of extreme/illogical COVID rules that prevented his loved ones being with him. And because I wasn’t smart enough to preempt an extra COVID test I should have done. And because of useless ScoMo not achieving a faster vaccine roll out. And because of all the selfish people who didnt get vaccinated earlier. Like anyone who looses a loved one I miss him so, so much. But he was 77 so I can reconcile he had a reasonably long life. Not long enough, sadly there’s so much he’s missed just in the last 7 months, but at least 77 is not 40 or 20 or 10.What I can’t come to terms with is his lonely end. And knowing it was partly my fault… to explain in brief… I live interstate and had an end of life permit to visit him via hotel quarantine, but it turned out that because I visited him, when he got critically sick at the end, they put him in an iso ward. Then said he couldn’t have visitors until I returned one more negative COVID test (I’d already had 10 negative tests over 2 weeks but they wanted another). My negative result came in 20 hours later and 10mins after he died. In retrospect I could and should have anticipated that extra test may have been requested. And in retrospect, when I was told it was required, I firmly believe if I’d been quicker with my thoughts/words I could have negotiated an exception. But I didn’t. And he died alone. He deserved better from me.I feel so guilty and regretful that I didn’t do better for him. And im also angry and disgusted with ScoMo (‘it’s not a race’) and those who were so selfishly slow to get vaccinated. If our vaccination roll out had happened at a reasonable pace there would not have been interstate travel iso rules at that time. I know others have suffered more than Dad and my family in relation to COVID iso rules, it’s been so tough for so many. One day the real cost of COVID will be realised, not only the death rate and the financial costs, but the far reaching mental heath impacts of isolation. For my part, I just can’t seem to stop being upset and angry about what happened to Dad.

Mr.G Sudden loss of only brother.
  • replies: 8

Hi everyone, Recently I suddenly/unexpectedly lost my younger brother. My only brother the person I grew up with, after taking his own life in April 2022 he was aged 29. I’m a 33 year old husband and father of 2 great kids (Son 11 & Daughter 9) Offic... View more

Hi everyone, Recently I suddenly/unexpectedly lost my younger brother. My only brother the person I grew up with, after taking his own life in April 2022 he was aged 29. I’m a 33 year old husband and father of 2 great kids (Son 11 & Daughter 9) Officially diagnosed at 30 with ADHD, OCD, Border insomnia, Anxiety, PTSD & Depression. Diagnosed as a child with dyslexia. (Medicated for ADHD) 2015 We lost my dad an ambassador for Beyond Blue. To this day I don’t believe I processed/delt with it the right way, the pain is not any less, still finding myself overwhelmed with grief and sadness. My brother had finished university shortly after, gaining employment as a graphic designer, around 12 months later being made redundant due to COVID. Spending the last 2 odd years, job hunting, doing bar work and so on. He appeared to deal with it well, if and when he was in a rut, spoke to mum (They were super close) and his 2 best friends. Anyway obviously the black dog was lingering in the shadows. (No Note) We were notified Monday afternoon, I couldn’t / wouldn’t believe it. I really struggle with emotions/feelings, like BAD. This on top of being a very proud man who self-paints the portrait of “The Man” is a “strong provider”. Trying to be the Rock to support my wife, kids, mum and my 96-year-old nanna. Feeling like I couldn’t and can’t grieve the loss of my brother in front of them without creating more pain…. April was the wife's and my birthdays, this year we just passed on them… But I’m really struggling, I’m just really sad like all the time. Struggle to get going in the mornings, Struggle enjoy anything, becoming withdrawn from friends, distant from my kids, short fused, arguing with my absolutely awesome wife over nothing. Like I really just want my life back, I want to enjoy the time I have with my family be motivated but I guess I’m lost or stuck or both and don’t know what to do now…. Final hurtle we have to cross/deal with is, 1st of September… It was a shared day. Thanks for the vent. Shanon

Earthlyme Early days if loss if my mother ❣️😥
  • replies: 2

Hi there everyone, just want to thank everyone for all your kind and caring words all around Australia it's only been a week since my Mumma has passed away but it feels like a life time allready. I am missing her Love,talks,cuddles and words of wisdo... View more

Hi there everyone, just want to thank everyone for all your kind and caring words all around Australia it's only been a week since my Mumma has passed away but it feels like a life time allready. I am missing her Love,talks,cuddles and words of wisdom daily. Yes I have comfort in knowing she is up with Jesus Christ but I wish I could touch her, I just want to say that I taped her voicemail so wen I need to hear her voice I can , makes me sad but makes me laugh as my mum had a good sense of humour and her voicemail is funny. Anyway just touching base and prayers go out to all who are greiving a loved one , God Bless y'all 🙋

mouse0801 Trying to find an answer
  • replies: 2

Im 19f and lost my dad to suicide two months ago. mum found him, i got that call and now i’ve lost faith in the world. it was unexpected, a complete shock to my family. i have two siblings and my mum now, we are very close family and my parents were ... View more

Im 19f and lost my dad to suicide two months ago. mum found him, i got that call and now i’ve lost faith in the world. it was unexpected, a complete shock to my family. i have two siblings and my mum now, we are very close family and my parents were together 30years. im left with so many questions, he didn’t say goodbye. no note, not even a message. i don’t understand how he could of done that. and i feel sick thinking about the pain he must of been in. how did we not know, i could of done something why did you leave me. im in shock most days, i forget and go on as i have moved out and living with my bf since the start of the year. and then i call dad, and wonder why he isn’t picking up. my whole world crashes done for a spilt second before i shut it off because it’s too hard to feel that. im scared now, of how much that hurts and how i become numb, i don’t care about anything damn it all. and how i could hurt the people i love by spiraling out. but i can’t because i don’t want to hurt my loved ones . i want to hurt myself because i feel like it doesn’t really matter,. but then i get moments with the loml that everything feels ok and that the weight of knowing my dad, who was my whole world. who i trusted the most , will not be there for the rest of my life and i know i can still be happy. but it’s this constant battle that i feel is getting worse. my mental health was good before, some aspects of anxiety but normal. i would go to my dad and he would help me rationalise it, and remind me that it would all be ok. so im scared of how i feel, and think now. all i need is to get one last hug, for him to tell me everything will be ok. maybe even just a bloody goodbye. i struggle to talk about it, to really tell people how much im hurting, because it’s easier to not have to except it. i don’t know how i can live with this. i need my dad and now he’s gone. he did this to me

Dean_Dharug Grieving Mum and a Partner I never had
  • replies: 3

I hope here is the right place to put this. I (27m) lost my mum about 1.5 years ago to cancer; I am an only child and she was a single parent, so I have been left alone in the family house to kinda just “deal with it” and “get on with life”. I have b... View more

I hope here is the right place to put this. I (27m) lost my mum about 1.5 years ago to cancer; I am an only child and she was a single parent, so I have been left alone in the family house to kinda just “deal with it” and “get on with life”. I have been completely unable to do that - unable to touch her things, throw anything away of hers or even use some of the shared items - to the point that I have had to buy duplicates of some stuff. Very recently (within the past few months) an ex I still cared deeply for moved in with his current partner-of-a-few-years; I fell to pieces as, not only was the man I loved sharing his life with someone else, but he was (in general) living the life I had always dreamed of, whilst I was stuck here in this seemingly endless hell. I reached my breaking point and talked to him about what “we” were; we were close and felt like a couple in all but name, but one day he just shut me out and became cold and distant. I don’t know what happened or why, but I knew what we had - so I stuck by him through the years. It was immensely painful at times, but I told myself it’d be worth it and he’d eventually come around and see I was always here for him and we’d go back to how we used to be. …That wasn’t how he saw it; he stated that he was “careless and immature” with his emotions and didn’t put proper forethought into them. As a result, what we had was “more than a friendship, but not quite a relationship”. He says that some life stuff happened and he shut a lot of people out (he says it’s a recurring problem he has) and that, when he sat down and thought, he “realised I could never take a gamble on someone I had never met before halfway across the world” (he lives in the US). He said he had a crush on me, but it never would’ve worked. Since then, a (mutual) friend has told me that the ex confided in him a bunch of reasons why we never would’ve worked - distance not being one of them. He told me that the ex I had in my mind was a fantasy, and he doesn’t exist like that. He told me that he’s been polite to me ever since he shut me out - so that he wouldn’t be the “bad guy”. I feel I’ve hit rock bottom, and I’m doing all I can to try and work my way through this, but it feel impossibly hard, working without a direction or goal. I’m aiming to start cleaning up the house, but I have no idea how to start with mum’s stuff. Likewise, I’m trying to take care of myself, but it feels pointless without my ex as the finish line. Any advice welcome.