Hi Cheeso,
My heart really goes out to you. It’s extremely hard to firstly lose your Dad to emphysema and then your Mum having heart failure and you finding her. That would have been a huge shock. I can relate somewhat as my Dad died in 2016 from a bleed on the brain but he had advanced Parkinson’s, possibly in part linked to exposure to the pesticide Heptachlor in the 1950s. My Mum died in 2020 from heart failure. I was with her at the time and called the ambulance. They tried emergency surgery in hospital but couldn’t save her.
So I relate to your post and I’ve had complex grief too. But I hope I can give some encouragement that after an horrendous few years where it felt like the grief was crushing me, I’m finally feeling a shift. The grief is now more tender and I can feel it moving through more instead of being so chronically stuck and debilitating. I know it’s something that never fully goes away but the nature of it is starting to change.
I’m wondering if you have any counselling support at the moment? After my Mum died I did try a grief support group for a while and that was a bit helpful in feeling some support and understanding. I did have a few sessions with a grief counsellor at the same place. From mid 2022 I’ve been seeing a really good psychologist and I know that has been a key factor in things finally starting to shift in me, especially her being a compassionate witness for things I’ve been through. My grief was complicated by past trauma issues as well, so working through that has been part of the process for me.
So I’m just wondering if you have anyone to be present with you in your grief experience, whether it is therapeutic support, friends or other family members? I feel like the sudden shock you would have gone through with your Mum would have been especially hard as it was so unexpected. There are various approaches that work with the nervous system that can sometimes help to release some of the shock from a traumatic event, as sometimes our body-mind is going over and over what happened, still trying to deal with and process it.
One thing I found helpful after moving to the town I now live in was meeting my elderly neighbour. She was so kind and friendly and invited me in for a cup of tea in my first week here. She was like both a kind of mother figure and a friend. She’s now in a nursing home in another town and I’m going to visit her on Tuesday. We are both looking forward to it. I just mention that because I think the formation of new relationships with people can really help with grief. It gives you this sense of connectivity after loss and brings some meaning and warmth back into life. I wonder if there is a way for you to connect with others, maybe through a common interest group or organising to spend a day with a friend?
I know it’s so incredibly hard. There’s no words for it really. But I hope you feel welcome to keep posting here as much as you would like. Feel free to share your feelings about your parents if it helps. We are here for you.
Go gently and take good care,
Eagle Ray
