Seperation and Anxiety feeling broken, lost and un-lovable

BlackMaccumba

I have broken up with my girlfriend and I now feel so broken and lost, were both neural divergent known each other for over a year were incredibly honest and direct we were sexual for 1 month, but this has been as devastating as the breakup of the 10-year relationship with my finance. I have now recently been told by her that she is pregnant with a baby that is mine and I have always wanted to be a father, but she has told me she is going to get an abortion, her new partner will leave her if she has the baby. I have tried to come to an arrangement but to no avail.

I broke up the relationship because there was a huge change in her, I realized that I was a second-class citizen in the relationship. She also told me 3 days after my aunt passed away that she was going to start dating other men but only have sex with me, she just liked the thrill of dating.

I later found out that I am the first man to have broken up with her, which does not make me feel better, but I now understand she is so upset. From the work I have done in AA. I realized after the breakup of my 10 year relationship that I needed help and sought counseling to then have been identified with Combined ADHD with a rating of medium to high, Anxious preoccupied attachment and CPTSD, I know that alcohol or drugs were not going to help me in any way and gave up this includes now cigarettes and sugar. I know that I had to do a huge amount of work on myself that up until last couple of years I refused to acknowledge.

The hard part is I know she is seeing someone else in the AA group, but there is nothing I can do it is out of my hands all I can to is focus on myself. I noticed some behaviors in myself like machine gun texting even when there were no reply 15 texts in three days. I have had other women read my texts, they were direct and to the point and I did not talk down, swear or be rude. But I know realize that when I think that someone is breaking up, even if they are not, I will pull the pin and throw in the hand grenade, and I can now see just from my txt's that there is anger in just how I texted even without reading the words.

So, I know have to do more work as I can see from my inventory that this past behavior, what is new is the ability to accept it and work on it and do the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) for BPD (borderline personality disorder).

Regardless of the amount of work I have done and read with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and books I was told to read. I still feel so broken, lost, emotional and keep looking at how I could have done things differently to save the relationship but the friends of my first AA partner keep telling me I have done the right thing and my ex of 10 years that I am still friends with is telling me the same.

Even a friend of mine she knows all the parties involved and she is so supportive. A year ago, when I met her at 17, I thought she was going to be dead in 2 to 3 months she was a hard drugs user with anorexia. No one in AA wanted to help her, I saw the look in her eyes of fear, worthlessness and sheer desperation, and I saw me in those eyes. I could not just let her walk out without support. I have climbed every stair in every club, pub and dive in Canberra until 4am in the morning supporting her and having conversations she has been clean for over a year and is back studying to be a teacher.

I have been called a sex predator and pedophile. We have never had sex she is a lesbian and we both have been abused in the past I am 52 years old. I have no regrets being there for her has been one of the best things I have done, and I now know her family who are really nice people and she is one of my best friends and fiercely loyal. It's just sad my ex would help push the rumors, my friend she has supported me in meeting and set the record straight.

Thanks to her I will be doing CBT she recognized that it would help me 6 months into our friendship that it would help me. She now rings me up to see how I am going even if I am a little down, she will check in and has become one of my best friends and we do things together play tennis, walk dogs or hold her pet snake. My clinical psychologist she wants me to help or support people of all sexes and not just males as what some members of AA want me to do.

I still hurt, feel broken and lost over the separation and that is even with all the support that I have and the rumors since the separation are flying thick and thin. But that is teaching me to work on myself and ignore what others say. I don't know what else to do I have to keep living or try to even through all the pain, anxiety and depression.

Sophie_M

Hello BlackMaccumba,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with our community. We can hear how hard things have been for you and empathise with just how challenging going through a breakup can be. Whether it's been one month or ten years, it's still incredibly painful losing a connection that once made us feel safe and loved.

Your ex-partner's behaviour and choices after such close connection must have felt so confusing and heart-breaking for you... it makes sense why you 'threw in the hand grenade' when you could sense her pulling away; you were trying to protect yourself. Despite this, I can see how hard you are working to understand your mental health and work on these parts of you that still require some healing. It sounds like she had a lot of her own inner challenges too. Even though this was a hard goodbye for you, it seems like it was the right decision in the end? But I am curious, how is it all sitting with you now that it's been a couple of weeks since you posted?

Also, how wonderful that you so selflessly supported this young woman on her road to sobriety - what a beautiful thing to do not only for her, but for yourself too. The rumours must have been very triggering, I am glad you have had support from your friends and your psychologist around this. I can see you are still feeling hurt and broken, but it sounds like you are doing so many good things for yourself, like exploring CBT. You are being honest, open, and asking for help, which is the most you can ask of yourself right now, remember that!

I'm wondering, what is one thing you'd love to do for yourself this year? Think big! Dream wild! We want to hear what you think BlackMaccumba is truly capable of - maybe this is a good place to start on your road to healing?

Warm regards,
Sophie M.