Seperation and Anxiety feeling broken, lost and un-lovable

[BlackMaccumba]

I have broken up with my girlfriend and I now feel so broken and lost, were both neural divergent known each other for over a year were incredibly honest and direct we were sexual for 1 month, but this has been as devastating as the breakup of the 10-year relationship with my finance. I have now recently been told by her that she is pregnant with a baby that is mine and I have always wanted to be a father, but she has told me she is going to get an abortion, her new partner will leave her if she has the baby. I have tried to come to an arrangement but to no avail.

I broke up the relationship because there was a huge change in her, I realized that I was a second-class citizen in the relationship. She also told me 3 days after my aunt passed away that she was going to start dating other men but only have sex with me, she just liked the thrill of dating.

I later found out that I am the first man to have broken up with her, which does not make me feel better, but I now understand she is so upset. From the work I have done in AA. I realized after the breakup of my 10 year relationship that I needed help and sought counseling to then have been identified with Combined ADHD with a rating of medium to high, Anxious preoccupied attachment and CPTSD, I know that alcohol or drugs were not going to help me in any way and gave up this includes now cigarettes and sugar. I know that I had to do a huge amount of work on myself that up until last couple of years I refused to acknowledge.

The hard part is I know she is seeing someone else in the AA group, but there is nothing I can do it is out of my hands all I can to is focus on myself. I noticed some behaviors in myself like machine gun texting even when there were no reply 15 texts in three days. I have had other women read my texts, they were direct and to the point and I did not talk down, swear or be rude. But I know realize that when I think that someone is breaking up, even if they are not, I will pull the pin and throw in the hand grenade, and I can now see just from my txt's that there is anger in just how I texted even without reading the words.

So, I know have to do more work as I can see from my inventory that this past behavior, what is new is the ability to accept it and work on it and do the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) for BPD (borderline personality disorder).

Regardless of the amount of work I have done and read with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and books I was told to read. I still feel so broken, lost, emotional and keep looking at how I could have done things differently to save the relationship but the friends of my first AA partner keep telling me I have done the right thing and my ex of 10 years that I am still friends with is telling me the same.

Even a friend of mine she knows all the parties involved and she is so supportive. A year ago, when I met her at 17, I thought she was going to be dead in 2 to 3 months she was a hard drugs user with anorexia. No one in AA wanted to help her, I saw the look in her eyes of fear, worthlessness and sheer desperation, and I saw me in those eyes. I could not just let her walk out without support. I have climbed every stair in every club, pub and dive in Canberra until 4am in the morning supporting her and having conversations she has been clean for over a year and is back studying to be a teacher.

I have been called a sex predator and pedophile. We have never had sex she is a lesbian and we both have been abused in the past I am 52 years old. I have no regrets being there for her has been one of the best things I have done, and I now know her family who are really nice people and she is one of my best friends and fiercely loyal. It's just sad my ex would help push the rumors, my friend she has supported me in meeting and set the record straight.

Thanks to her I will be doing CBT she recognized that it would help me 6 months into our friendship that it would help me. She now rings me up to see how I am going even if I am a little down, she will check in and has become one of my best friends and we do things together play tennis, walk dogs or hold her pet snake. My clinical psychologist she wants me to help or support people of all sexes and not just males as what some members of AA want me to do.

I still hurt, feel broken and lost over the separation and that is even with all the support that I have and the rumors since the separation are flying thick and thin. But that is teaching me to work on myself and ignore what others say. I don't know what else to do I have to keep living or try to even through all the pain, anxiety and depression.
 

[Sophie_M]

Hello BlackMaccumba, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with our community.    We can hear how hard things have been for you and empathise with just how challenging going through a breakup can be. Whether it's been one month or ten years, it's still incredibly painful losing a connection that once made us feel safe and loved. 

Your ex-partner's behaviour and choices after such close connection must have felt so confusing and heart-breaking for you... it makes sense why you 'threw in the hand grenade' when you could sense her pulling away; you were trying to protect yourself.  Despite this, I can see how hard you are working to understand your mental health and work on these parts of you that still require some healing. It sounds like she had a lot of her own inner challenges too. Even though this was a hard goodbye for you, it seems like it was the right decision in the end? But I am curious, how is it all sitting with you now that it's been a couple of weeks since you posted?

Also, how wonderful that you so selflessly supported this young woman on her road to sobriety -  what a beautiful thing to do not only for her, but for yourself too. The rumours must have been very triggering, I am glad you have had support from your friends and your psychologist around this. I can see you are still feeling hurt and broken, but it sounds like you are doing so many good things for yourself, like exploring CBT. You are being honest, open, and asking for help, which is the most you can ask of yourself right now, remember that! 

I'm wondering, what is one thing you'd love to do for yourself this year? Think big! Dream wild! We want to hear what you think BlackMaccumba is truly capable of - maybe this is a good place to start on your road to healing?



Warm regards,
Sophie M. 

[BlackMaccumba]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for reaching out and wanting an update I appreciate your interest. Life is bittersweet and never what you expect.

The people who are doing the CBT contacted me on the day that I was supposed to get dates for assessment to tell me that due to a conflict of interest I won't be able to do the group session and only the one-on-one counseling. When I talked to my GP of 20 years, he said that it was highly unusual, and he know the people and said I had been his words "character assassinated" and that they had already made a decision without knowing my facts and that he had not been contacted for a referral, he advised me to get a lawyer, which I have and he/she will now be representing me and my GP wants to talk to the proprietor. My solicitor also stated the same as my GP we will start with mediation the goal is to remain friends, but I am not a fool and am prepared for it to become quite hostile, the fellowship is small. But I won't be bullied, pushed out or intimidated and the rumors are horrific for me pedophile, forced and causing trauma are the words that have been used. I just have to wait for the legal process, my ex's have also rallied around me to offer support and character references written and in court appearance.

The young woman when she found out found another DBT program with an alcohol and drug counseling service and harassed the counselors to see if there were vacancies, which after a couple of days found out they did the final forms had not been submitted. She then started calling quite regularly to make sure that I registered and would not take no for an answer and insisted that I txt her when done. She knew I would not do it for myself but would if I had to txt her to tell her that I had registered. The referral is going to be completed tomorrow and it's free with more options of treatment at the end.

The lesbians and transgender (women to men) have all rallied around me and one is now my new sponsor. Which has been a common theme in my life and it's working out really well. Seems my old sponsor was meddling and played an active role in interfering in my treatment, to help my ex and her new boyfriend in AA.

I was so broken at Christmas I did not even want to go to my parents for Christmas and even got a sick certificate to justify it (it amuses me now). The saying is "To do the same thing and expect a different result is the definition of insanity". I accepted an invite from an ex-colleague, and she could see I was down from my Facebook profile. Long story short she called sick, told me to still go. So, I went to a complete group of strangers had an amazing time ended up riding with a mountain bike group met a girl there. Ended up going mountain bike riding and struggled to keep up but did just to find out that some of them are Australia's top 50 mountain bike riders and were impressed I almost kept up, set me up with a bike and a group, also started teaching me for free and am now going on a date tonight with the girl who is a data scientist. I knew she liked me when she found out I wanted to go to Testament concert in Sydney and basically told me were going together, apparently, I didn't have a choice, which is really nice.

She is now also taking an active role in training me for fitness in person and virtually and is advising on all my bike riding, she is going to NZ to do a 3,000km bicycle ride, wants me to track her as she will be tracking my progress on Strava. I am going back to gym with an instructor my goal, which is still possible is to get back to the weights I was doing in my 20's. Were both the weirdest geeks you will ever meet, hardcore ready to finish a fight start a riot and be in a mosh pit. But are strong on our ethics and principals, she also advises me on managing people and how to handle people being a director and 15 years younger than me, I admit it I need help with people sometimes.

Tonight, she is getting me to pick her up, getting her nose pierced through the Cartlidge, she had an old photo with the piercing, and I told her I liked it, so she surprised me with that, go to dinner, then go to a mosh pit in Canberra tonight. To me this has all the hall marks of one of the coolest dates ever and never thought that would happen at 52, so you never know what life is going to throw at you or gift you.