Recovering

[Love_Heart]

Hi i am new here. I am recovering from a breakdown, hoping someone else understands and has advice. The last 3 years has been too much and i broke. Losing the 2 people who meant the most to me plus my dog, grief, sadness, disappointment took over and i ended up in a black hole. I have improved somewhat but finding a new set of challenges. Now im just losing friends coz i dont meet their expectations. They offer help in the form of information and if i dont do what theyre suggesting, then it looks like i dont care. Im always misunderstood when someone is upset with me. You know what i mean? Like i really want to be like this. My body and mind are slowly recovering but it takes time. I have had major physical symptoms to the point of thinking i was dying and its all from stress. I would like to be whole again and im getting there but losing jobs and people along the way. Everytime this happens, depression gets worse and i withdraw again. Where has my fight gone, motivation? I am sick of being judged when i dont go out of my way to hurt people, just doing the best i can. Its not a lot, better than last year and its something, baby steps. People dont get it and i feel like an island.

[jess334]

Hi Love Heart,

Welcome to the BB forums. I hope you find support.

I'm sorry for your losses. It's so difficult when they come close together.

Well done for taking even those small steps. I understand what it feels like to fall into that hole. It takes so much effort to crawl out that afterwards you barely have energy to live let alone fight!

I hope you find some supportive friends soon.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Love heart,

So sorry to hear of your losses. Losing three significant people in your life (dogs are 'people' too, because they're part of the family) in relatively quick succession is terribly hard. It's gonna take some time for you to adjust to life without them in it.

Have you had any grief counseling? And if not, perhaps you could look into getting some? Sometimes it's good to talk things through with someone who is both professional, but also detached from the situation. If that's not for you though, that's okay too. Please know that Beyond Blue certainly is here for you and you can post as little or as much as you like.

And yeah, baby steps. You don't have to fix your whole life by next week. Grief, I think, can be much like the rise and fall of the ocean tides; sometimes it's high tide and bringing debris and big waves and you've really gotta fight to keep your head above water, and then other times it's like low tide, where it's gently lapping at your feet and the water is clear and the sand is soft. The 'waves' haven't really gone anywhere, they've just calmed down for a bit. And along the way, you've learned to swim, maybe ever surf better than you could before.

Just keep taking those baby steps and you will get to a better place. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Love_Heart]

Thanks Jess. I just dont get it. The last friend thats annoyed with me left because i dony want to do something she thinks will assist me in feeling better. My body has inflammation but i sm making positive steps. Surely i have the right to choose if im not ready to do something? I know she was trying to help.

[Hayds]

All I can write is that I feel your pain. My dad died last year (my altruistic anchor) my mentor died; 2 others died & I live with Bipolar & MDD. I’m in AOD Recovery (a long time) & I’ve literally no one I trust or genuinely have for support left. My clinical team are great yet I’m alone, misunderstood; judged, labeled etc..... it hurts hard & yet I feel so alone. I’m a AHP clinician by trade (extended time off) & I’m so close to just quitting this ‘solitude/universal lesson.... ain’t much left H

[Tynk]

Hi Love Heart,

Coming to this forum is a good step. I hope it helps. You've been through a lot.

I agree with the others who replied. Grief is a very personal journey and it's different for each person. Honour the steps of your own journey. It's not a straight line.

People want to help but can't know what it's like for you. Sometimes they're disappointed their suggestions aren't acted on. They may even get cross. But, you're entirely free not to take on their suugestions. If friend gets upset by that, it's their problem. Try not to take it on.

I've had a similar experience. A friend said grumpily I was not taking her advice and I was not making progress. I had listened, but my journey and needs were not met by her suggestions.

Like you, I withdrew. She could not see or understand how hard I tried and the progress I'd made. I felt she was scolding, when what I needed was encouragement and affirmation.

People can become impatient. Some friends did not understand the depth of my distress and how much time I needed to recover. .

I was more inpatient to get better than they realised.

Now I'm further in my journey, I realise the importance of something said by a new friend. She suggested to only be around people who are kind, positive and encouraging.

Some people thought they were doing the right thing but their actions set me back, causing me to feel even more distressed. Finally I decided to withdraw worsening my losses.

It was hard, but I had to let go of people who didn't "get it" and who inadvertently made me feel worse. Luckily, one sturdy friend and my brother saw me through the worst. Strangely, some people who were new in my life and were not familiar with my story, were very kind when I became tearily anxious or distressed.

Not everyone needs to know the story. It can be too hard for some people.

I spent too much precious energy worrying about the people who fell away. But those relationships may be recoverable once I've fully sorted the key issues and recovered more.

You'll know when support feels right. It's very hard doing it on your own. I learnt that some information came my way when I wasn't yet ready for it. Recovery takes its own time.

I hope you're able sleep and that you eat OK. Seek a doctor's help if need be.

I find it helpful to find one thing each day for which I can be thankful. I enjoy my music and the sound of magpies singing.

Be kind to yourself.

Tynk