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Newbie struggling with the loss of my mum

Nikki85
Community Member

Hi my name is Nicole. I am 35. I am a mother to 3 gorgeous sons. They are 9-8-3. I'm currently struggling with the loss of my dear mother. She was only 56 :(. My mum passed away 11-11-2019. Yet another emotional wave is crashing. Missing my mum so much. Feeling like I am only here because I have to be, not because I want to be. I'm feeling defeated. I'm feeling done.

I struggle to get out of bed. Because sleep is the only time I feel nothing. Wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away. Feeling like I am on auto polite. On the verge of tears. Constant pain in chest. Knowing a part of me is missing. I know we aren't meant to live forever. But I didn't expect my mum to be gone so soon. This is one of the worst pains. I just want my mum back 😞

I miss the old me. I have no motivation. Trying to work out how to survive the new normal. How do you live without the one who gave you life?... This pain is seriously like no other.

6 Replies 6

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator

Welcome to the forums, Nikki85.

We're glad to have you join us, although we're so sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you here. We are so sorry for your loss, we can't imagine how devastated you must feel. But please know that you've come to a safe space and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need.

It sounds like you're in a really tough space and it might help to talk it out. We'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline  who are available midday-3am on 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way. 

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.
 
 

uncut_gems
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Nicole,

I want to first echo Sophie_M in welcoming you to the forums. The raw pain that you are still feeling from this devastating loss comes through so clearly in your post; I found it incredibly moving. Without knowing you or your mother, I can already tell what a special relationship you had.

My mom used to tell me that having children is wonderful, but also terrifying because for the first time your heart is outside your body– you can't always physically protect it as it goes out into the world. I think this is a beautiful sentiment and one I'm sure you feel as a mother yourself, but I also think that the same can be said for other people in our lives– especially our parents. I feel the exact same way about my mother, and it sounds like you may feel similarly. As you so eloquently put it, "How do you live without the one who gave you life?"

It is a hard question, but not an impossible one.

Grief is a long and often strange process with many unexpected peaks and valleys. Given that your mother only passed away in November, this means that you are still only at the very beginning of this journey. Time will heal this wound, but it takes patience, and work. I would encourage you to be patient with yourself and kind to yourself as you work through this dark stage of your grief.

What you say about your sleeping, the pain in your chest, and the tears– they all resonate with me and I'm sure many other people here on the forums. I wonder, given how much it seems like you're struggling, if you might consider reaching out to a GP for a referral to a counsellor? Even if not, just coming here on the forums to chat will help lighten your load significantly. No one should have to bear this burden themselves.

I hope you find the forums a supportive place, full of people who can speak more directly to your experience of losing a parent prematurely and unexpectedly. I have seen many people on the forums connect meaningfully over shared experiences of loss. In the meantime, please feel free to let us know how you are going here, how you are feeling, or simply peruse some of the other posts on the Grief and Loss board.

Very warmly,

Gems

Sunflower2020
Community Member

Hi Nikki, I lost my mum 4 months ago. I am feeling so unbearable pain. It is the process I am going through challengingly.

Hi Sunflower2020,

I'm so sorry for your loss– I can only imagine your pain. Are you able to take it one day at a time? Do you feel like you have enough support from your loved ones? We are always here for you on the forums.

Best,

Gems

Stelly14
Community Member

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I understand the unbearable pain you are going through. My 69 year old mother had a terrible stroke in April she was always fit and healthy and still worked. She was everything to me ,it was always just my mum and i my whole life and we lived together. I spend my days at work breaking down and i cant think of anything else and it knocks me down .i cant believe she is gone. I have never felt such unbearable pain not only emotionally but physically so much that i shake. It is hard to breathe because it hurts so much, my chest hurts and my heart pumps so hard and fast. i also havent slept in months .It has made me feel scared to do everyday things like catching up with friends or going to the same places i would go to with mum or anywhere that reminds me of what happened. i just want to be home all the time.

i am really sorry you are going through such a terrible time.

Ripcantrell
Community Member

Hi Nikki,

I totally get where you are coming from as I have just literally lost my mum. I have kids and a wife but I'm struggling to open up, really struggling!

I have thought about wanting to join her but then rationalise by answering myself "join her where?"

I moved to Australia and all the arrangements are happening in my home country, being taken care of by siblings. I feel so out of the loop, by my own actions to be honest whilst being angry about being so far away. I am regretting so many things like not making more effort when mum was alive, taking her for granted and not going home more (pre-pandemic).

I have read so much stuff about this getting easier over time and I can't get emotional but feel like I want to explode.

Really not sure how this is going to end at this stage but time will tell.

I don't feel like I have anybody to talk to, not even my spouse.

This is the most honest I've been in 3 days and I just want to find a quiet corner to let it all out on my own. I hope to find that place soon to unburden myself.

Sorry this is about me me me and I truly hope your journey to wherever you are heading gets easier. I have come to realise that I don't think spirits live on but memories do and it is this which keeps our loved ones close after they leave us. Just my thoughts for what it's worth.

I would love to have my mum back but know this is not going to happen but doesn't change the thought of it.

Wishing you all the best.