New member, old depression and anxiety

[Marcats]

Hi, first time contact. I have suffered depression and anxiety and maybe PTSD for 27 years and I am 57, divorced, female and on my own. I was first diagnosed when pregnant first time. My husband was emotionally and sexually abusive. In the early years I attended a post natal depression group and was medicated, as this is what my GP suggested. I only used medication for a few years as it made me zombie-like. Now I reject any medication. Since then I have tried many counselors and psychologists and CBT . I am a Highly Sensitive person and an Introvert. So strangers and groups of unknown people are very daunting and exhausting. My children (boys) are grown and don't live close enough to have a close relationship with. Sometimes only see them at Christmas. We are in contact regularly by text messages, but they have their own lives to lead and difficulties to face. Because of my Introvertedness, I only have a couple of close friends and don't socialize at all in unfamiliar situations. I do work part time, have done at the same job for 5 years (I don't like change) and am part of a volunteer community group, but this involves very little socializing, only a monthly meeting.

I describe my depression as "overwhelming sadness" and that I have lost my soul.

I struggle to make myself achieve anything - even the dishes sometimes. My depression is parallelizing and debilitating. I am indecisive, a procrastinator and have no energy. I sometimes justify not doing anything by saying I am "recharging my batteries" or just "having a quiet time". And it only affects me and not bothers anyone else as I'm on my own. But, being on my own, I have jobs to do to maintain my property (that I can't afford to pay someone to do) and nothing is getting done because it all seems too big to handle.

I have achieved in the past, I actually Owner Built my own house 18 months ago (finished after 3 years work) doing a lot of the work myself.

I have been happiest in the past creating things - painting, sewing, woodwork. But I am struggling to get enthusiastic even about the creative things that will bring me happiness. I have always denied myself pleasure - I thought it was a mother thing, but now believe it is the long term depression.

And now I am fearing I will never find love again either, because I am so damaged. I find it so hard just to start a new friendship.

Thank you for reading my post. I look forward to comments and reading what others are struggling with on the site.

[White_Rose]

Dear Marcats

A warm welcome to the forum, so pleased you have written in. Your description of depression sounds very much like mine 18 years ago. Congratulations on building your own home, that is something special. When most people say they have built their own home they usually mean they employed a builder, which is what I did.

Feeling overwhelmed with any emotion is difficult to manage. I know this was also my story and I became quite terrified at not finding a way out. These days I do not get overwhelmed as frequently and I have ways to cope when it happens. Still not the happiest of situations.

I think you are correct about the damage done to you by your husband. The 'person in the street' is as vulnerable to PTSD as those we usually think of. Do you still see the GP who referred you to the depression group? I was wondering if you see someone else and could have a long chat about your circumstances. By any measure it seems that you are very depressed and need more than group therapy. It has a place but not when you are in such urgent need.

I understand about your attitude to antidepressants as I felt a similar way. I don't want to pre-empt what your GP will say to you about meds other than please keep an open mind. ADs have progressed a long way. I take an AD which is from the original group called tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs). I cannot give you the name as it is not allowed to discuss specific medications. I tried many tablets before my GP put me on this one and I have not looked back.

Trying lots of therapists of one sort or another and getting no long term help is discouraging. I certainly think you are better to see one person consistently rather a revolving door. I see a psychiatrist every week and it's now part of my routine. Would you consider seeing a psychiatrist? They have a bit of bad press but in general have a lot to offer. Perhaps you can discuss what sort of person you would ideally like to talk to.

In terms of cost the fee is usually quite high and not a huge benefit from Medicare. However I am sure you are aware of the Safety Net provision for those who have a CentreLink payment or a health care card. Once you have reached the limit of out of pocket expenses your rebates will be very close to the amount charged. I have not reached that limit this year yet but I anticipate it won't be long before my out of pocket costs are down to about $17.

Whoops, I am nearly out of characters. I will write more next time.

Mary

[JRG]

To Marcats,

As a new member, I hope you feel welcome on the forum and I also truly appreciate how open you have been in introducing yourself. It is lovely to meet another fellow soul who enjoys painting and craft.

After reading your introduction, I can only agree with the words of White Rose: it does sound like things are extremely difficult for you right now and it seems likely that you may really need to access more help professionally than that which you will be able to access from this forum.

These times can be extremely hard, especially given that you have described having negative experiences in the past with help you have tried to access. I wish I could help further - I can only encourage you to keep trying with the strength to have an open mind. Some of the things I originally came across in my journey I can relate to your experience in not finding them very helpful. Nevertheless, after persisting with the same specialist, I was eventually able to find a combination of approaches which helped me recover to the point where I am at now.

Keep your chin up and keep posting when you feel down-hearted.

JG.

[Marcats]

Dear White Rose,

Thank you for the lovely welcome and words of understanding. I still can't believe sometimes that I did build a house, I learnt a lot but stretched myself way beyond my comfort zone. But it was the only way to get my own home, but did it on the smallest of budgets.

No, I don't even have a GP. In the last 16 years I have had and divorced another husband (we are still the best of friends though) and during that time we had major moves for his work and went through toxic divorce and family court horror, from the abusive one. I had a psychologist in each town we moved to, got stronger and coped better, so stopped going. About 6 years ago. I tried a GP again and stated I had tried many anti depressants and psychologists but wondered what she could offer - and she said "well what do you expect me to do, if you don't want to take medication?!!" I was more than a little crushed. I haven't been to a doctor since. I have been to a Naturapath, when I had money (from my Dad passing, and selling his house - used money to help build mine) I prefer natural remedies. But it didn't really help the depression - I had a few other ailments they did help with. But the cost is out of the question now.

I actually, literally can't afford any treatment anyway. My part time work and little top up from Centrelink doesn't even quite pay the bills. There is nothing left at the end of the week. I also have 2 bowel disorders and buy 2 pro-biotics regularly to manage this. So I have been just working on getting my mind working more positively. I am trying to bring back into practice all the positive thinking and mindfulness I learnt through the psychologists. But sometimes you just need to talk to someone who knows what you are going through. So I think this forum is going to be a great help.

Again thank you for your thoughts

Marcats

[Marcats]

To JRG,

Thank you for your response. I felt, especially on a site like this, that it would be ok to be totally open about what I am going through because probably someone else had experienced the same or similar feelings. I do tend to be a bit naive and believe there is good in everyone anyway, and they will be compassionate, so tend to "tell all" about myself if it feels appropriate.

I really have to get back to practicing my crafts again, they do bring so much joy. I have done quite a bit of woodwork in the past 8 months which brought me such pleasure. I can get totally absorbed in the creative mood and actually forget about the depression all together - also forget to do the dishes and tidy up, but I think its worth it !

As I have told White Rose, I don't have Any funds for any treatments, that is why I have been seeking ways of getting my head in a positive mind set again without spending money.

I will keep posting, and start reading what others are dealing with. It's always cathartic to hear what others are going through, and to get out of your own head for a while.

Marcats

[paramedicfirey]

Hi Marcats,

Firstly, there is no limit to finding love. I knew a 78yo have a 84yo relationship that started recently. And we all have our own baggage. Its just finding someone right that fits in the picture. It is difficult to find someone even when your young but my advice is don't give up if that's what you really want. There are many ways of meeting people, you just have to find the right way for you.

Being through what you've been through must of been so hard. I came from an emotionally abusive father not physical but I truly believe if you find the right psychologist and talk it out I think your world can change sooner. Shop around for a good one though. I find talking it out helps tremendously.

I can say this as I have Schizophrenia with anxiety, depression ptsd and have worked fulltime in paramedics, fireys and have a great relationship with my wife. What Im saying is dont give up, it is hard, and we all go this to some degree, some worse or better than others but its feels the same for all.

If things that arent making you happy such as hobbies that normally would help you dont then it sounds like it might be early warning signs and need to be checked. About meds, there are heaps and heaps out there. Dont give up, they can help. I changed I think 5 times till I found the right one and now can have a good life.

Hope that helps.

[White_Rose]

Hello Marcats

It's not good when you do not have enough funds to see a doctor. Do you think you could check the various practices near you and see if any doctor will bulk bill your fees. It will give you someone to talk to, so long as it's not your previous GP. I agree, some GP can be very off-putting. You can also see a psychologist via a mental health plan and your GP can find someone who will also bulk bill. Does that sound OK?

There are organisations who do not charge fees or the fee is very low. Can you check out what your local Relationships Australia (RA) and Anglicare have to offer. I know Anglicare does not charge a fee and I think RA ask a low fee and sometimes no fee at all. If you have a Salvation Army office near you I suggest you check them out as well. As a last resort you can go to your local hospital and ask for help from the local mental health team.

It gets a bit more difficult with medication. There is no way that I know of to get free medication. One difficulty is that doctors, including GP and psychiatrists only seem to prescribe meds from the SSRI group and these do not help everyone. I certainly went through heaps before the psych decided on one AD but the side effects were dreadful and I did not seem to get better. I left him and saw only my GP for a long time. She was and still is fabulous. If you find a GP who will bulk bill perhaps you can ask if there is any way to have meds without the cost. I think someone in your circumstances can get a prescription at a low price in the same way as pensioners etc. You have a CentreLink payment so I think this would qualify you. Prescriptions are about $6, much better than $30+.

Great idea to get back to your hobbies. I find much joy in mine and I would feel somehow lopsided without being creative in some way. I learned how to meditate which was a life saver. In that spot I could let go the of or forget my depression. Amazing.

Hope my suggestions help.

Mary

[Marcats]

Hi paramedicfirey,

Thank you for your reply. Yes I am a romantic so I won't give up thinking I can find love, just some days it seems more remote than others.

Wow, I am in awe that you are juggling so many conditions and have a good life. Your working life must have been so stressful. And obviously you and your wife are very happy together, and support each other, that is so wonderful.

I am starting to reconsider seeking help and getting some medication, and maybe try a psychologist again. So thank you for the encouragement.

Marcats

[Marcats]

Hi White Rose, Mary,

Thank you for the reply.

Yes, my financial situation plays heavily on my mind and my depression I think. An unfortunately being an expert procrastinator, and just being indecisive, it takes me a long time to make changes to help myself. I am working through how to cut my expenses at the moment, only a few dollars a week, but its something. And maybe I could talk the boss into another shift at work, but that is a long shot.I can make a little

I will start looking again at the practices around for the bulk billing ones. This "mental health plan" , who does that, the GP? Finding one you can actually talk to is hard, especially here in the country where they are mostly Indian or similar. And I check the organizations you suggested for psychologists again. Yes I do get prescriptions cheaper with the Centrelink health care card.

I do get enjoyment - when I get motivated enough to actually do some, from my crafts, its the weather also holding me back at the moment. I hate summer!! I tend to stay inside, sometimes with air con on, and read books. Which is very enjoyable. I am working through my collection at the moment, and I think in just the last couple of months I have actually read 8 books!! So maybe Summer is good for something after all.

I am trying to psych myself up to join a local Tai Chi group (been trying to get there for 3 years now ha ha) I did this when at Uni and really enjoyed it.

Thanks again for the suggestions. It is lovely talking to someone who has gone through similar things.

Marcats

[White_Rose]

Hello Marcats

Great to know you are looking at treatment. The Mental Health plan is drawn up by your GP with your input and sent to Medicare for approval. It allows you up to ten visits per year to a psychologist with the fees treated as any other doctors' fees. That is Medicare gives you a set rebate when you have paid the bill. Some psychologists will charge the bulk billing fee which means it goes straight to Medicare and you pay nothing. You need to check with your GP if there are circumstances when you can have more than ten visits. I know this was so in the past but not sure if it still applies or when.

The number of appointments is not very generous in my opinion as if they are stretched throughout the year you see a psychologist about once a month. Sometimes this is not enough. You can see the psych privately if you use up all your visits but then you are back to square one with fees and no Medicare rebate. An alternative is to see a psychiatrist who will manage all your medication as well as your therapy. I expect you know about the Medicare safety net provisions. The psychology fees count towards the safety net if you have to pay part of the fees and of course also for a psychiatrist fees.

Sometimes it can be better to bite the bullet and pay the fees less rebate in the short term to access the safety net provisions. It really depends in my opinion how high your individual safety net amount is and how soon you will reach that total. You will need to contact Medicare about this.

Going to a Tai Chi class is a great idea. I went with my daughter when she did the training for one of her scout badges. I really enjoyed it and it was certainly hard work. Very definitely good exercise and it does leave you feeling good.

Adjusting your budget to save a few dollars is a good move but I wonder if working an extra shift will be worth the extra cash. Depression makes us tired regardless of what we do and putting extra pressure on yourself may work against your other goals. It's also a good excuse for the procrastinators amongst us, like me. Have a good think about the pros and cons.

Sounds as though you are starting the journey to healing. Way to go Marcats. I am so excited for you.

Mary