A different kind of grief?

[darkbetty]

My grandfather has been given just a little over a week to live - if that.

We were never close and we never saw eye to eye. He wasn't the greatest of people.

To be honest, I used to dread family events and having to be around him..

The reason I am writing is because I feel a deep sense of guilt that I don't feel sad at the prospect of him no longer being around.

I feel like a terrible person that my only emotion is guilt and not sadness. He has lived a very privileged and successful life, he will also be out of pain..

Is it normal to feel almost nothing? I am worried by my response to this. I know there is no standard way of feeling and that everybody grieves differently, but the fact I feel no sadness makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

[Croix]

Dear Darkbetty~

I guess there are many people in the world whose passing brings a sense of relief - or nothing.

A couple of things come into it, the first of course being the sort of person they were, not the most attractive in this case, and how close you were to him -again not that close by the sound of it.

So grief, if any, would be muted.

I know you are a warm and caring person, your posts in other threads reveal that, you talk of the pain it gives you to see a loved one in greif at her situation, and express deep care for your parents.

I would suggest your own experiences have a bearing on the matter too, and that is to be expected.

So in short please do not feel you are in any way at fault. There is nothing to feel guilt about, though I'd think me just saying that won't really help, ATM

Can I suggest you talk with your parents and sister, and help support them, and accept their support in return. They sound nice people.

You are not alone and welcome here anytime

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Darkbetty, I feel sorry for your grandfather, but this doesn't mean you have to do the same, especially if you didn't get on with him, so that can't be your fault.

If you didn't see eye to eye and anything you wanted to discuss, he disagreed with, and for him to be a much older person, he thought he knew more than you, so this annoyed you, it disconnected how you felt about him.

It’s normal to feel numb but this does not reflect anything about you as a person or for how you felt about your grandfather.

He might have lived a 'privileged and successful life', but you shouldn't blame yourself for how you are feeling, it is impossible to get on with everybody, people have different ideas, solutions and suggestions that not everybody agrees with.

Don't take it out on yourself.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi darkbetty

I believe 'guilt' is something that asks us to consider the question 'Who do I want to be?' For example, if we've upset someone we care about, guilt may lead us to apologise and make amends (I want to be someone who is more caring). If we've lied about something, guilt may lead us to become truthful (I want to be someone who is more honest). Guilt is something which facilitates higher consciousness and personal growth.

So, with guilt asking you 'Who do I want to be?', I imagine your answer to be 'I want to be someone who is more considerate, given the circumstances'. What I get from your post is the vibe that you already are being more considerate, more conscious:

• You're reflecting on the relationship you've had with him (how you've related to him)
• You're considering his release from pain, which reflects your kind nature
• You're giving great thought to the power of emotion and what different emotions or lack of them mean to you

Perhaps another thing you could consider is 'What did he teach me in life?' This way, you could shift your focus from a lack of sadness to a positive sense of gratitude and growth:

• If he was a somewhat inflexible person: He has shown me how rigidity creates distance or a sense of disconnect. In turn, he has shown me how flexibility strengthens relationships
• If he was a somewhat arrogant person: He has shown me how arrogance is tied to a sense of entitlement. In turn, he has shown me how humility is tied to deep soulful (egoless) sense of gratitude

I imagine he has shown you much, perhaps without you realising.

I like to see guilt as kind of like a signpost ahead of 2 paths. One way offers you a chance to walk a path of self-chastisement with you left wondering 'What's wrong with me?' The other way offers you the chance to walk a path of reflection, enlightenment and personal growth. 'Who do I want to be?' is the question that leads you to choose which path you wish to walk.

Take care of yourself darkbetty