My Mum was killed in an accident, my needy father is draining my emotional resources

[CraftDee]

On 22nd July my Dad knocked my Mum with the car in their drive, she hit her head & died the next morning. I KNOW it was an accident, but feel guilty that I "let" my Dad still be driving at 87 (he was cleared by a Dr to drive two weeks prior) My hubby and I were 300km from home for a much-needed break (I was feeling depressed) We got "the phone call" & drove home immediately, half way home we got a call saying there was no hope, Mum would certainly die. My heart broke, "not my beautiful Mum" My sister (who usually lives 400km away) happened to be up, was on her way home actually when she got a call Mum had managed to dial, she called an ambulance & saw Mum just as she was leaving, she was conscious then, by the time my sis got to hospital Mum had lost consciousness, she never woke again. I live less than 2km from Mum and Dad and keep thinking "what if I hadn't been away" "at least I would have had the chance to talk to her, if only for a minute.

Mum was my best friend; I spoke to her at least once every day and saw her at least three times a week. She & Dad shared much of our lives. Mum and I had a lot in common, she was my support person. She said little about how my Dad's memory was failing but it was obvious that it was becoming a problem. I told her how worried I was about her dying first and what to do about Dad, he and I were not close, okay but not close

My Dad's dementia has spiralled since her death, he can't be left alone, cries a lot & is very difficult; cantankerous, even aggressive. I have done all those "things" you have to do when someone dies; undoing my Mum's life file number by licence number was hard!. I try to stay "up" to counter Dad's "down" and he accuses me of not caring.... when I am home alone I am in pieces. I am now my Dad's PoA and running his house as well as ours & our business. My sis (retired) is staying with him for now; her home and partner are too far away for it to continue long term. We can afford a nice nursing home, but he is very resistant. Also I KNOW that once he is in a place, my sis will go home and the visiting and care (Dr visits etc) will all fall to me, & I've done more than my"share" over the years,

I am saddest that I can't grieve for Mum with all the worry and "doing" for Dad taking my time & energy... I am sad too that I resent my Father for being so needy, I know it's unreasonable but when he says it would be best that he die all I can think is, "it would" or if I did.. I am very down

[Zeal]

Hi CraftDee,

Welcome to the forum!

I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your Mum. It's great that you and your sister have each other, even if she does usually live further away. Please don't feel any guilt or responsibility for the accident your Dad made. He was cleared to drive by a doctor. It was a tragic accident, and no one deserves to receive any blame. You and your Mum sounded so close. You are smart in realising that you haven't been afforded the time and space to grieve (and need to).

It must be so tough for both you and your sister, as this constant care makes it difficult for you to be with your partners. It's great that you can afford to have your Dad stay in a quality nursing home. This sounds like the most practical and safe option. I can imagine how resistant he must be though. Your Dad's emotional state sounds particularly complicated, in that he is irritable, angry and emotionally unstable both from the Dementia and the fatal accident, and also displays aggression. Having a carer be with him in his home is an option. However, a care facility is probably more suited for your Dad, considering his age and the advanced stage of his Dementia.

As soon as practical, I highly recommend you visit your doctor (GP) about a referral to a grief counsellor. Hopefully you can have some social and emotional support from friends too.

I hope you are doing alright. It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[CraftDee]

Hi SM

Thanks for the welcome. I am doing "okay", not great but okay

I think too that I'd benefit from some grief counselling, but between assessments for Dad, trying to make an acceptable co-living arrangement for him and my sister, Drs visits and tying up loose ends from Mum's affairs I just don't have time. Dad was admitted to hospital 5 days after Mum died, discharged after 10 days but that just means Physio and Occupational Therapists, clinics etc are now in the mix.

A couple of days after Mum's funeral my husband had an episode of Atrial Fibrillation (his second in six weeks after a twelve year "break") .. so we've been doing the stress test/cardiologist two step ... my JR Terrier (who is my only work colleague as I work from home) has gone blind - from an auto immune disease of all things - over a two week period from the week before Mum's death to the week after (one of the last things she said to me when I rang from "our" cabin was "don't worry, I'll help you get through it" 😞 I am trying to prioritise but the dog's problem was time sensitive so we fit his appointments in.

My sister had a chest infection (why she had stayed longer in the city and was available when Mum died, she'd been discharged from hospital that morning!) which she gave to everyone; I don't know if it's being asthmatic or run down but I got it really bad (my Dr wanted to admit me to hospital... when did I have time for THAT, lol) we all recovered, and my son, my husband, sister and me have all just got a virus again!! Really feeling like I'm not cutting a break here.

I am a practical person, not given to whining but I really do feel that I'm being tested right now. Every time I feel I've "reached my limit" something else happens (my laptop died last night... trying to find someone to fix it on a Saturday nearly pushed me over the edge... ridiculous) I've ended up getting my OLD laptop fixed, be ready in three days, and will manage with that until my good one gets back in three weeks, sigh. I am using my Mac right now, but am wary because my luck doesn't seem to have been that good and all my work (our business and the bookkeeping I do for clients) is on this and I'm worried that something happening to THIS machine WILL tip me over. That said, I am absolutely driven to research options for Dad, both in-home/community-based assistance, long term accommodation and financial considerations - need a computer for that

Just writing it all down, sharing, helps

[blondguy]

Hello CraftDee

My sincere condolences on the passing of your mum.

My dad is 81 and just had his license cancelled by the hospital (after he collapsed in the hospital car park for a routine check up) just after he was cleared to drive by his GP.

His dementia is getting worse and is also needy which is a part of the illness. I do feel your pain and anguish so much. I just spent an hour helping him insert a blue ray disc by phone. It hurts...big time.

You have no guilt to fear CraftDee with your dad driving at 87 and having this sad and tragic accident. I am physically and mentally astute enough to drive my XR8. I do have serious doubts though about my reflexes as a driver when I get into my '80's.

Caring for your dad is a huge mega task CraftDee. MY dad lives on his own but I still have difficulty in getting him to accept the in home council help.....

Banging my head against a brick wall here.

The forums are a non judgemental zone. If you have the time to post, I hope you can. Your plate is very full....

You are not alone here CD. Good on you for posting

Kind thoughts

Paul

[CraftDee]

Hi Paul

Thanks for your reply. Like I said just writing it all down helps. Perversely knowing others are going through the same thing helps too.

I hear you re the Blu Ray thing. My Mum and Dad had air conditioning (we live in Western Australia but they got it because it's the most efficient way to heat the place and Dad's always cold!) two weeks before Mum died. She hadn't really worked out how to use it, all remote control and zones so I'm not surprised, but she was doing really well. One night she called and said she couldn't get it turn off, I tried talking her through it and in the end went over (I was NOT very gracious as I had had been to four hospital appointments with them that week and was feeling the need for a break) I finally found a practically invisible button on the side of the controller (that looks like an iPad) and switched it off. My lovely, smart, desperate-to-be-independent Mum burst into tears and said how stupid she was. That memory keeps leaping into my head, because she wasn't a burden... she tried so hard NOT to be one and the thought that I'd made her feel that way cut me to the core. I gave her a cuddle and said that of course she wasn't, she used a computer to keep a spreadsheet for her expenses, an iPhone to send pictures and messages with Emojis... how many 85 nearly 86-year-olds could do that? but now in my guilt,I feel the sting in my first response

Getting Mum to accept the help to which she was entitled was impossible; the cleaner didn't clean well enough and "we don't need all that other stuff". I wonder how much easier the last few years of her life would have been if she HAD accepted more help. Every time we helped her, no matter how trivial the help was, there was a chorus of praise and "how would we manage without you", maybe she didn't want to have that feeling for strangers

Dad has just been approved for Permanent Residential Care (Nursing Home) Respite Residential (High Care) and Level 4 package of assistance... just got to find out what that means. As to whether he'll take it or not remains to be seen. I am his POA and was trying to get him to put some of his pension aside each fortnight to cover bills and he called me a Thief, said I was trying to get everything from him including his house... so we'll see; doesn't bode well

Hope you don't hurt that wall... and leave room for me!

Dee

[geoff]

dear Dee, I offer you my sincerest condolences for the loss of your dear mum, this is what digs so deep into your feelings, I really am so sorry.
No one wants to accept the fact that they need 24/7 care and by going into a nursing home this will happen, but it's a dreadful, horrible thought that no one realises needs to happen, OK going into respite is an another matter where people can accept this, because it's only temporary, however there will always be this resistance thinking that a nursing is the end of the road for them, maybe not because activities are planned, outings are organisedand celebrations for birthdays also happen, it's just that it's a different atmosphere, new bed and new bedroom, where meals happen at certain times of the day, in other words their days are planned.
I'm sure that your dad will reject going into this nursing home, but if you tell him that he will need to go there for respite for a few weeks, he may actually like it, talking with other elderly people.
This is what happened to an elderly friend I knew for a few years and he always said that 'there was no way he going into one', well he's been there for a couple of years and has actually begun to like it, because his meals were given to him at a specific time everyday and that's what he always wanted.
He has dementia and doesn't know anybody's name and loses track of what the discussion is about but he's happy.
You have to remember that people like your dad want to remain in the surroundings they know, but tell you and your husband are going away for 2 weeks and he is going into respite, so that he is cared for, again you have to be cruel to be kind.
You shouldn't have to start changing nappies, I did this with my Mum plus another elderly chap, but if you go away for a short time and he can't get to the toilet, then he has to be changed, washed and a change of clothes.
It is a very sad moment but you will know that he is being looked after. Geoff. x

[CraftDee]

Thanks for your reply Geoff... yup, you've hit it on the head; it's the realisation that this is a NECESSARY option that is hard. Dad can still look after himself on a very basic level, he doesn't need help toileting , he can shower himself (needs to be reminded to) and dress himself if you get his things ready - but he can't make a cup of tea or do anything towards true independent living. He can't go out unattended as he cannot remember his address, forgets what country he's in most of the time! and is quite unsteady, even with his cane.

I know that his agitated state is due to him being aware that he has lost a lot of independence and is on the verge of losing a lot more, but the job of caring for him at home is bigger than my sister or I thought and is having a greater impact because of his attitude. You're right about him not wanting things to change too; my sis is staying in one of the spare rooms and it almost came to blows when we tried to get him to let us empty a few drawers so she could put her clothes in them... we'd already given up on getting him to throw ANYTHING that was in them out, we just wanted it moved it! He ranted and called us names for half an hour, it's very draining.

I hope he wasn't like this with Mum, she never said anything to us, loyal to her core and it tears me to pieces to think that she was coping with this behaviour without even sharing it's effect with me - her best friend 😞 Dad's attitude has stunk in some ways for some time, but now Mum has gone it's like all the filters and controls have been removed.

It is a very sad moment, but Ithe atmosphere in the house is really not very pleasant for any of us... my sister and Dad at loggerheads most days, me trying to arbitrate - As I've told my sister, it's reached the point with Dad that we have to do for him what is best for him even if he doesn't like it, just as you would with a three-year-old. I didn't want it to be like this, I've lost my Mum who was the glue of the family and now I discover that I can't replace that glue after presuming all these years that I was so like her that I could take up that role. I have failed, but I know it's not all my fault... the goal posts moved on me with Dad's dementia!

We have just got his ACAT, he is level 3/4 so we will get good assistance at least... that might lighten the load. I just want some time to mourn for Mum, she keeps getting pushed to the back of my mind, it creeps in during the night, robbing me of rest