My 20yo cat just died and I feel lost

[Bunny]

My girl got me through so much, she would warn me when I would be about to have a seizure (epilepsy) and would never leave my side. I slept with her, ate beside her, sat with her all day, I spoke to her and held her, she was my rescue and I was hers. 

I have grieved before but I have never lost a part of me that I have had for 20 years (longer than I haven't had her). I don't know how to live without her. 

Life is just feeling impossible. For a number of reasons. 

My mum is going through chemo, I found out she needs a single mastectomy and I'll need a double mastectomy in my 30s. 

I've lost one ovary already and just found out I'm probably losing my other one. 

Everything is falling apart. I don't know what to do. I'm really only still here for my wonderful partner. I'd be lost without him but don't want to become a burden. He is already my carer as I have heart failure. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know how to keep going. 

I'm really just getting by hour by hour. I am very open with him about my mental state and know the importance of voicing even the hardest ideations. But I'm feeling like things are just too much. I feel so utterly broken and so completely defeated. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep going. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bunny,

A warm and caring welcome to our forums.

I’m so very sorry sweetheart that your beautiful cat friend, my heart goes out to you…our pets are so very special to us and really do become a member of our family…my deepest condolences 🤗…with a caring hug…your fur girl will always be with you, deep in your heart…I know that in me saying that it doesn’t really help your grief right now…Please take as much time as you need to grieve for your beautiful fur girl…..

You have been and are going through a lot, it’s nice that you can talk to your very caring and loving partner, I’m sure Bunny that you’re not a burden on him…love, real love is unconditional and your partner sounds like he cares a lot for you and is their for you….

I’m so sorry about your mum, and pray that her upcoming operation is a success and she heals 100%…

Bunny, sweetheart I’m just gently urging you to reach out to your Dr for some extra help with your mental health, they can help you with all that your going through…sometimes talking to a professional can help, is reaching out to your Dr something that you might consider?..

My kindest thoughts are with you along with my care…

Grandy..

[ABC01]

Hello Bunny, part 1

I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss.

3 weeks ago, my cat was killed at 3.5 years old. He wasn’t my first cat and I met him after my previous cat passed at 14.5 years old. It has been such a huge trauma for me as I didn’t expect it to happen at all. Or in the way that it happened either. I believed I had at least 10 more years with him. And now he is gone. So I can understand your thoughts and I empathise with you. I  feel for you. When Lewis, my first cat passed in 2020, I had spent half of my life with him. I understand how it is to be lost and not know what to do.

First I’d like to tell you, good job. Dealing with this day in and day out is exhausting and all consuming. And the fact that you reached out is such a huge thing to do. You are still in shock. Mentally,physically and emotionally, you are still in shock and grief. Your body is tired and sleeping doesn’t recover it. Our mind is such a smart organ and it is slowing down things inside us to cope with the emotions that are so intense. It is almost like the body is on autopilot whilst the mind tries to cope.

Your cat was always there for you in all of life’s events. But now they are gone and where do you turn to now? I am struggling with this too. I am bargaining to try and change the events of the day my cat passed,knowing in vain, that it can never happen. I am replaying and questioning everything. I have lost faith in the world and asking why HE was punished. My grief is still so new, raw and fresh. So is yours.

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear Bunny, part 2
You don’t need to do anything but feel your grief for your beloved. You don’t need to have answers for all the swirling chaos happening in your mind. You don’t need to be strong and worry about everyone else first. Your beloved cat’s life matters to you on an unconditional level. To be parted is going to be hard,because you loved them. Your beloved shaped who you are today and will be in the future. Their light is still here in every second you had with them and continue’s on in your heart even right now. It doesn’t make sense now, but in the future with time, their life won’t equate to the last days of their lives. Or our despair. You will start to remember the good moments,tiny steps at a time and you will smile and just maybe,the warmth will return inside your heart. The same warmth you had with them whilst you were together.And that will get bigger as time passes. It only sucks,that we have to get through all the days to get to this point.

I am sure your cat will be one of the best experiences you’ll have in your whole entire life. Be proud of how you raised, nurtured and loved your fur baby. Don’t let anyone else downplay their life “as just a cat”. Your beloved is apart of your family. The unconditional loyalty,acceptance and love aren’t things we experience from humans at the massive level like we do from our pets on a daily basis.There are always conditions. Pets become our greatest allies in life and become our family, our children, our brothers and sisters. They are personally connected to us on a much deeper level.

You only feel this way because you loved your cat this much. Love is beautiful. Grieve the way you need to, for aslong as you need to. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t be guilty if you find days or moments that are like being in the eye of the storm. Just calm or numb. Grief isn’t measured on how much you cry or being all consuming. The fact is humans unfortunately outlive our furry family. But we never forget them,even if we have fears that we will or have because of a particular moment that we can’t find clarity in a memory.They are irreplaceable even if you met new friends to love. They have taught you how to be the perfect pet mum,if you ever decide to explore that again.

Find ways that work for you to find small peace inside your mind. Light a candle for your beloved cat or have a photo to kiss goodnight. Find a gemstone cat that is the similar colour to your cat to represent them. And talk to them out loud to express the things you need to say to them. Make a memory book full of collected things you find like whiskers, fur, claws,their collar, favourite toy ect.

Most importantly keep your regular routine. Eat even if you don’t want to,sleep at the same times and exercise to get out the adrenaline and anxiety that is pumping through your body. AND keep communicating with others. Keep researching the internet for articles that may help you and your grief. Reply to me if you ever want to talk about anything. It is helpful to me to talk to others on forums too. I have my own grief journey,but talking to others in a similar situation is surprising making me feel less alone.

[Bunny]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, I never even considered talking to my doctor about this, so I'll definitely give that a go. I'm at a point where I'll try anything. 

Thank you with all my heart for your words. It really means the world to me to have any kind of guidance. 

Take care of yourself, lovely. X 

[Bunny]

Dearest ABC1

I am so deeply sorry about your fur baby, I cannot imagine the horror you must be working through with such an awful event. I wish I could send you a huge hug. I can tell you are a wonderful parent to your babies, I can tell that they live lives full of love and happiness, more than they would feel in a lifetime without you. Thank you for loving them the way you do. And for sharing your story with me, my heart hurts for you. 

I didn't expect to find such comfort in the words of a stranger on here, but you have really helped me with your guidance. I am going to implement your suggestions. I have found myself just lost. I haven't eaten for three days, I haven't slept, I just sit on the couch with the TV off and just kind of. Cry. And then go numb. And then cry again when I reach for her and find nothing. 

I haven't washed my clothes because I'm scared I'll lose her scent. I just feel lost and my partner is doing their best to help but is grieving also. I am so proud of how he is working through his grief, he is doing a far better job than I am and I just don't want to burden him with my state. 

I really want you to know how deeply moved I am by your words. I am about to make a book of memories for my girl. It gives me somewhere to start. With my entire heart thank you for taking the time to share this advice with me, I really needed this. Your guidance is cherished. 

All the best to you lovely one, I hope you take care of yourself while you grieve also. You are a treasure. Xx

[ABC01]

Thank you Bunny,

Your kind words too have comforted me today. My love for my young beloved boy is beyond description and the fact that someone who has never met me can hear that in just typed words has made me feel so blessed to have been his mother.

Please do look after yourself. My mental health professional told me they have clients who aren’t able to vacuum their homes for more than 6 weeks because they don’t want to let go of the fur. So take your time with anything regarding this. I have actually scoured my cat post with tweezers to collect his fur off it and put it in a jar. I have no idea what to do with it,but it just made me feel better to do it. And trust me, even when you do feel better about your cat’s scent or fur, it is in your floors,clothing, bedding,curtains, closets and under your bed. Behind all your furniture,even under the fridge. You have probably lived covered in some kind of fur and found it in odd places. It can never be “eliminated”. You have probably swallowed so much in your time together too,unintentionally. It is apart of you and your home.

Please go slow with your memory book. I have found that some photos are okay,but when I backed up my photos and videos onto an extra hard drive for safe keeping,it set me off massively. Photos are safer for me. Any videos and I get a fight or flight response in my body. I am just not ready for that yet. So if you feel that too,it is okay. There will be a time that you can. No need to add any extra pressure right now.

griefline.org.au has some good resources too. As well as a hotline to call.

Take care and reply again if you ever need to talk.

Thank you again,

ABC01